I am Tofu

"I can't believe I am reduced to this," Fighter grumbles, picking up most of the packs. "My army was supposed to be invincible. I had the largest army in the world."

"And that's why you lost,' Gentle Whiskers says with the voice of a teacher. "It was too big. You only thought for yourself and not for others. You were too harsh. You neglected the Mandate of Heaven and the sentiments of your people. So when you killed all the rest of your consorts and so many guards along with their families, they turned on you. If you had not destroyed Guoyuan and all its allies without sparing them, you might even have had assistance. Somewhere to run to."

"But now I am a fugitive wherever I go. You may as well call me that. Fugitive. It can be my new name. You can't call me Imperial Majesty anymore. I am an emperor of nothing now," and Fighter laughs. A bitter laugh.

"No," I say, and all four blink at me as if they had forgotten my existence. "You are Fighter. You have hidden in the dark mountain caves for so long, afraid of yourself and afraid of others. So you struck out at them, when all you really wanted were friends. You didn't allow yourself to grow. But here you are now. Changing. Learning. The Emperor is dead, but the boy is not. So you are Fighter. You find him, fill your core and be the true man the Emperor was not."

The man who had been Emperor blinks at me.

"I didn't realise what a treasure you are and I used you like a lowly pawn when you should have been an advisor. A queen. An empress. If only I had just been kind to you and wooed you gently. Had I not kept hurting you, I wonder what you would have become," Fighter reaches out a hand to touch me, but then drops his arm when I step away.

"Your enemy," I smile and look into the distance where I can hear the crashing sound of the sea. "The Princess would have gathered all the countries near and far. She would have infiltrated your army and broken it up. She would have sent assassins and learned to do evil, because she would have preferred to die than to get to know you or let you get to know her. She would have preferred to die than to end up like this or to be claimed by you. She would probably have been successful too, but she died in the water boxes. 'What ifs' are irrelevant. She no longer lives. There is only me left now."

"And who are you?" Fighter asks in a wary voice.

"Tofu," I say and laugh when he steps back and holds up his arms as if to ward me off. Ignoring him, I turn to Swaying Blossoms. "I am Tofu. And that must be Baby Tofu. You said I lost him, but here he is. You lied to me. He's been here all along."

I take the baby from Swaying Blossoms and kiss him. Sweet baby. My baby.

"What?" Fighter looks confused.

Gentle Whiskers strokes his beard. The two girls hold each others shoulders for reassurance and I see the hairpins I had designed in their hair. Fighter and Gentle Whiskers' cloak clasps are the ones I had designed for them during what seems like another lifetime ago. I am satisfied with this, but then I cut off the memory. It is not relevant any more.

"Every person, one day, has to make the decision," I tell the confused man, while in the background, the three people who care about me the most in the world wipe their cheeks over and over. Streams run from their eyes. I don't understand and I don't want to. It is better not to even try. In case I remember. It is better not to remember. "You decide who you are. You can't blame others. Only one person decides. You must make your choice. I have already chosen."

"Why did you choose Tofu?" Gentle Whiskers asks me. Swaying Blossoms takes Baby Tofu from me once more, while Gentle Whiskers leads me by the hand and Fluttering Bird supports me from the other side. It seems I am too weak to carry my Baby Tofu and walk at the same time. Fighter scans the area in case of enemies but I can tell he is listening carefully. I wonder how he joined my people and escaped from his enemies.

"Tofu is soft. It does not think. Does not remember. Holds no grudge. Is simple," I give a tired, faltering smile. "Best of all, it does not feel. Does not care. I have no centre anymore. Poke me and it goes right through. No worry. No fear. Nothing. Tofu is nothing and it is better to be nothing than to remember and lose everything."

They all wipe their eyes. Fighter draws his sword and begins to turn the blade on himself.

I put my hand on his and guide the sword back into its sheath.

"Fighter," I say, "the Emperor is dead. If you are gone, who will protect us? Who will make sure Baby Tofu grows into a man? Who will teach him right and wrong? Who can tell him the mistakes he made, so that he does not do the same thing? Fight for us. We are all we each have left."

Fighter falls to his knees and cries. He cries loudly. Like a child.

Gentle Whiskers helps me to sit down under the overgrown pavilion.

"My Lady," he says, letting me lean against him. "What about you?"

"There are too many holes. Tofu does not heal well," I whisper. Apologetically. "Tofu can fight to remain, but mould can still eat her and break her down until there is nothing left. All you are left with are mushy crumbs. If Gentle Whiskers can find a way to help heal the holes and stop the mould, Tofu is happy to remain. Tofu is happy either way. Tofu doesn't mind. It doesn't care."

"Oh, my girl," Doctor Guan holds me tight for a moment and I squeeze the memory of the proper names back out with the last tears the Princess will ever shed. Mustn't remember.

It's safer that way.

The Princess is dead.

All that is left is Tofu.