The apricot blossom hairpin

I brush the embroidered saddle, the bow and arrows and the sword in my study room. The time during which I could once play with those has passed. If I want to play with them again, I will have to first regain a lot of strength - and that, that would take time. I suppose Prince White Fur's mother and my mother should be happy now. I have no choice but to stick to the past times considered more proper for women.

Even walking for a prolonged period of time can easily cause me to become dizzy and faint. I have to force my old impatient self to slow down. One thing I have gained through all this is patience. I have learnt to bend and flow with the water. Sway with the wind. My weaknesses remain but I must build myself up to become more resilient. Such that when I am forced to bend, I will be able to return to my original upright position. I hope that one day, I will be able to achieve at least that much progress.

As for the lute, I never had much interest in music anyway. I have little talent in it. It is in painting that my interests lie these days. That and improving my calligraphy. I feel it is sad if I can paint but not produce the correct calligraphy to match the painting.

Today though, today I am not painting. Today, I am taking my broken apricot pin to find an old acquaintance. I wonder if I will recognise him or if he will recognise me. I believe I have changed and no longer look quite the same.

The branches on my hair pin are cracked. Two of the blossoms have dropped off and many of the little jewels have gone missing. The gold is scratched, bent crooked and has lost much of its sheen. The colour of the remaining blossoms has changed. I am not sure if the little money I have now is enough, but I hope that it is.

An entourage follows me the moment I step out of my little courtyard. The whole family have decided to follow me into the city centre to play and explore. While the others bring the children to sightsee, Prince White Fur has decided to accompany me together with Fluttering Bird and Keen Eyes. Little Swallow insists on following me as well, and Deep Waves puffs out his chest.

"I can take care of everyone else with my Mummy while we see the sights in the city," he tells Little Swallow. "Don't worry. You follow my Lady and take care of her. I will make sure to buy those cakes you asked for."

"Good," Little Swallow pats him on the shoulder. "I will tell you everything that happens afterwards."

"You'd better," Deep Waves replies, "or else I won't help push you on the swing next time."

"Grow up," Little Swallow retorts. "I'm not that mean."

We mount the carriage and Prince White Fur sits next to a window, looking out the carriage. Little Swallow sits on my lap. Keen Eyes sits with the carriage driver. Fluttering Bird takes her place by my side. They discuss the recent news and trends in the city. Little Swallow chirps about what she has asked Deep Waves to buy in the market.

When the carriage stops, I pause outside the shop. I have never been here before but somehow it exudes a comforting air. Once we step inside the shop, the shop assistant takes one look at us and runs to the back. We look around at the jewellry and wares available for viewing. Some of them look strangely familiar to me.

"Wow," Little Swallow swallows her excited squeals when her mother's hand falls on her shoulder.

A man with a red circle around one eye where something had made an impression comes rushing out. He wipes his hands on his smock, taking it off and passing it to his shop assistant. Fluttering Bird catches his eyes and he is about to greet her first when he notices me examining a belt buckle. Then he notices Prince White Fur behind me.

Fluttering Bird makes the introductions in the background while I move on to look at a familiar cloak clasp. I have seen this before and yet not seen it before. The oxymoron confuses me. From piece to piece, I continue looking, only realising after a long period of time has passed that there is silence in the shop and the shop doors have been shut.

Turning, I tilt my head at the man with the red circle around one eye. He is wiping his eyes with the back of his hand and trying not to sniff. Passing him my handkerchief, I pat him on the shoulder. The man clasps my hands in his, wetting my hands with more of his tears. Prince White Fur seems unsettled by this, but I stop him with a gesture.

"Jeweller Ping?" I say and hesitate, holding my hand out to Fluttering Bird. "I'm back."

Fluttering Bird puts the box with my hairpin in it and hand it to Jeweller Ping. He opens it with shaking hands and lets out a sad sigh, turning it around and around to examine the damage. Shaking his head, he returns it to me.

"Consort - no, I mean, Princess," he stutters.

"Lady," I suggest with a tiny smile.

"Lady," he repeats after me and tries once more. "My Lady, it's so good to see you again. Your hairpin, you should just keep it. There's no point mending this. I would have to make it for you from the very beginning again. I can do that for you, if you'd like?"

For a long moment, I look at the hairpin thinking. Then I replace it in the box and close the lid with a sense of finality. Looking around the shop, I press my lips together.

"Or would you like something else?" Jeweller Ping says. "I can give you anything in here. Over half of them are your designs after all. Perhaps something for this Lord?"

A dozen individual designs dance through my mind. Something for each of my family and the people special to me.

"Brush," I say, returning the box of my damaged hairpin to Fluttering Bird. "Paper. Chair."

Clapping his hands, Jeweller Ping shouts to his assistant.

"W-wait right here, my Lady Princess. You-you-you wait right here. Let me bring a table and chairs for everyone. We'll get some tea and cakes and close the shop for the day. Excuse me, your Highness," Jeweller Ping turns in a circle a few times as if trying to decide what to do first. "P-p-please excuse me. I'll be right back."

Eventually we are led into the back of the shop where assistants are clearing up a space and cleaning things up so that our entire group can sit down. Little Swallow can't sit still until Keen Eyes keeps his hand on her shoulder to help her to suppress her excitement at all the things she is seeing. Her eyes are so big while she looks at the various jewels and expensive metals that they look like they might pop out of her head.

I am seated at the table and everyone is served tea. Now that she has a cake in her hands, Little Swallow is a little calmer. She watches over my shoulder while Jeweller Ping and I draw and annotate and argue over the designs that emerge from beneath my brush. Different colours. Different strokes. Light and dark. Sheet after sheet after sheet until all the lamps are lit. Jeweller Ping and I keep at it. Sheet after sheet after sheet.

Keen Eyes takes the sleepy Little Swallow back to residence first, with Prince White Fur's retainer. After some time, a guard comes to whisper in the Prince's ear and Fluttering Bird is sent back to the residence. It is only after Jeweller Ping and I both throw down our brushes in unison that we look around and realise how late the night has become. We look at the pile of new designs with names and numbers scribbled across them with a sigh of satisfaction.

"Are you done?" Prince White Fur laughs at our similar actions, although his laughter seems to carry a sour and bitter edge. "It's late, Princess. We should return to the residence."

Jeweller Ping and I bow to each other across the table.

"Gogogo," he waves at me. "I know what to do. I forgot the time and you need your rest. Forgive me, your Highness for taking up so much of your time."

The moment I stand up, a wave of giddiness assaults me and darkness covers my eyes. Strong arms catch me before I can fall and it is a moment before I can find my feet again.

"Oh! My Lady!" Jeweller Ping exclaims.

"We'll take our leave first," Prince White Fur says gruffly, sweeping me off my feet and into his arms. "Excuse us, Jeweller Ping."

I am carried out the doors into the cool night wind, toward a waiting carriage.

"Put me down," I say, patting the firm chest. "I can walk. It was only momentary."

"No," Prince White Fur says. "You say that but you have probably pushed yourself too much today. I'm afraid if I put you down, you'll properly faint. You only ate a few cakes that Little Swallow fed you while you were working."

In the carriage on the way back, Prince White Fur holds me close to his side. He is probably right to do so because by the time we have returned to the residence, I have fallen asleep against him. I try but am unable to walk. My legs are too weak. They will not hold me. I can barely hold my heavy head up.

"You are not going there again," Prince White Fur scolds me lightly, while carrying me toward my courtyard house where my worried girls are waiting. "I won't allow it."