Chapter 17

1. Dogs are the literal best and let me tell you why. When my parents are out of town, my pup Remmy sleeps downstairs with me. I don't mind because the basement is chilly sometimes and he's a fuzzy little space heater. But he always does this weird thing and I didn't figure out why until last night. I'm a stomach-sleeper, while the rest of my family are back-sleepers. So Remmy has taken up this very different behavior with me (my family says he doesn't do it with them). It always takes me a while to settle down, but when I do, Remmy takes his head off of his paws and rests it square in the center of my back So I'm thinking, What's the point of that? It can't be comfortable. It cranes his neck in a funny way, and besides, every time I breathe his head goes up and down. That's a weird thing. "So I formulate a hypothesis, and test it. Last night, I got comfortable, Remmy put his head on my back, I waited a while, then I held my breath. It took him a while to react, but when he did, he fuckin lost it. He started whining and yipping, and repeatediy licking my tace and hands. And I was like oh my god. Conclusion: my dog noticed that I slept in a way that was different from the rest of my family, thought "that kid is gonna die" and made sure that I never stopped breathing in the middle of the night. Dogs are fuckin smart as hell. What a wonderful animal.

2. A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling.' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!" ... I just lost it. "CASE DISMISSED!

3. Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School, usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. "Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?" When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret. The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class. A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" But Mary didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt. "Jesus Christ!!l" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said, "Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep. The Nun asked her a third question."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, r'l break it in half!" The nun fainted.

4. A POLISH man moved to the US and married an American girl.

Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well - until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and asked him the following questions:

Lawyer: Have you any grounds?

Man: Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

Lawyer: No, I mean what is the foundation of this case? Man: It's made of concrete.

Lawyer: I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?

Man: No, we have a carport.

Lawyer: I mean. What are your relations like? Man: All my relations are still in Poland. Lawyer: Is there any infidelity in your marriage?

Man: We have a high fidelity stereo and good DVD.