Epilogue

Thank you for reading this rambling tale. ❤️

Grief is a pain that never goes away fully. It's not just losing someone, it's living without them.

For anyone interested in listening as they read: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yiUwVwFBtPk

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

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The sun was high when Shen Wei opened his eyes to greet the ceiling of Zhao Yunlan's apartment. Well, their apartment really, considering the sheer amount of time he spent here in this amazingly comfortable bed. They had talked of buying a house or an apartment for their own nearer to Dixing, but right now this place was home. Anywhere with Yunlan was home.

He stretched languidly against the sheets, feeling lazy, but it was the Spring Festival and as part of their preferred schedule, Dixing opened later than usual and stayed open longer during this Golden Week, until about two am. So, he wasn't likely to see Zhao until the early hours of the morning tomorrow, and spending this precious time with him was all Shen planned to do, especially as Zhao would go on tour with Rising Tide in a few months.

They had been together now for eight months. Eight glorious months of love, laughter and discovery, with the sound of classical music being played at all hours, that silky voice murmuring into his skin, talking animatedly or chatting quietly as he cooked. It was domestic, perfect and everything Shen Wei could ever want.

His hollow, lonely life was filled with color. Filled with Zhao Yunlan, who made sure there was never a dull moment.

He turned his head and gazed at his man lovingly. Yunlan was sleeping on his side, curled towards him with the covers kicked to his toned waist. Shen smiled exasperated and pulled the duvet up to his shoulder, just content to watch his sleeping beauty. He was tired. Yunlan had performed live until four in the morning, in the freezing cold of the open air concert, so Shen was inclined to make the stubborn man stay warm and sleep in.

When their parents had died they had always been cold in winter.

It was a stray thought but his throat closed up, thinking of Ye Zun. Some mornings he woke happy and faced the day with a lighter heart and sometimes he would be struck once more with the realization, that he was alive and his twin was dead. His brother was always in his heart, there in his mind and choices, every day, but the guilt and bleak days where Shen pretended to function, pretended he wasn't crying, had ended with Yunlan. Still, some memories are hard to forget and while they were becoming odd days in the week, it was thoughts like these that ripped the still bleeding wound wide open.

He never told Yunlan about these moments, when Yunlan wasn't there or like now, fast asleep unaware of the soap opera beside him. They talked freely of everything but that. They talked about the park and Zhao's mother, a minefield of a topic that he often avoided and even, when they had to, about Zhao's father, who treated his Savior as though he were some kind of failure. He told Yunlan stories of Ye Zun, showed him photos and Zhao was always interested, sympathetic and kind. But, these jagged edges and bleak thoughts were never something he wanted Zhao to worry about.

Shen Wei knew that he would be fine, if not today then one day. Zhao Yunlan, his Savior, his angel and the love of his life, walked beside him, braving every storm and rejoicing in every good memory. He didn't need to know that it was Yunlan's music and voice that got him through and how it was that very medium that was going to make Zhao's upcoming trip survivable.

It was Zhao's strength that let Shen finally think of good memories. Them as boys in the summer months. As two adults sharing a flat they could barely afford and a dream they made reality through hard work, never fearing to reach for opportunity. Shen Wei was proud of all they had achieved and didn't think he could ever stop turning around, looking for Ye Zun.

He smiled as he remembered how Ye Zun would often lie on the bed with him talking at all hours. Closing his eyes, he feel his brother's phantom warmth and smell the familiar scent of cloves. White t-shirt, gold earrings and that slow smile, as he tapped his fingers on Shen's arm, the adult version of when he would tuck his head against his shoulder, two battle weary children, afraid of the future. "Dixing." He would say, like a prophesy.

He was rarely soft but to Shen he was his little brother. His Didi. He could see him laughing as they opened the doors to their dilapidated building for the first time, drunk on excitement and the fear of debt. A frown of concentration, making dumplings with nimble fingers. Brightly smiling as they tasted each other's ideas or swapping New Year's gifts, carefully chosen. The way he rolled his eyes washing the dishes, hating the lack of respect thrown their way, how even though he was the elder brother, Ye Zun had always reached to protect his Gege.

Cold, lifeless on that steel table. No explanation, no chance given to prevent the outcome. He had acted and Shen was left with the pieces. The questions. The guilt.

"Silly Gege." A phantom kiss on his forehead, "I'm always with you."

He had said that in a parking lot when Ye Zun had been fired and Shen Wei had immediately planned to quit when he heard. Ye Zun had convinced him not to and had smiled when Shen protested that they always cooked together. "I'm always with you."

Possessive and loving that was Ye Zun.

He talked about him in the twilight hours, pressed against that lean body, detailing everything for Yulan, so he could know his twin, without ever having met him. It hurt to know that Ye Zun would never have liked Zhao. Possibly never have accepted him.

Heat suffused his left side and long callused fingers scented with rosin caressed his cheek, stroking away his tears. A strong arm encircled his waist and that beautiful poet's mouth, pressed a kiss to the skin above his heart. Quiet words, rough with sleep and imbued with love, "Don't cry. I'm here."

Zhao Yunlan was a fighter to his very bones. He was always tender in his touches, but he would rather confront with fists or words or masterfully deflect attention. He didn't whisper soft words unless he thought Shen Wei was hurting.

The tears overflowed and he knew those foxfire eyes were assessing, with sorrow and worry in their boundless depths. He didn't want Yulan to think of him as broken. He turned over and pushed the covers back, "You must be hungry. I'll make some breakfast."

He forgot about it being the Spring Festival and all the plans he had made as a pastry chef to surprise Yunlan. Tried even harder to forget about how much Ye Zun despised what he knew he was going to make. Jian Bing and Zhao's favorite, Jin Dui. Little brother had always called the latter cement balls and the former a boring ode to onion, but he focused on the thought that Yunlan loved whatever he made. Even his congee made just about any way too. Taking a deep breath, he forced himself to prepare the ingredients steadily.

This was what he needed. His kitchen and the solid ground of cooking, so he could salvage today. He was so busy looking in the fridge for the green onions, currently flirting with the choice of chili sauces, when an odd noise had him looking up, clutching a bowl of lotus paste while drying his eyes.

Zhao Yunlan was sitting down with his cello, in nothing but his boxer shorts, with wild hair and a determined expression that never failed to focus Shen Wei's attention. "What are you doing?" He asked bewildered, sounding almost betrayed by this sudden turn of events. He was supposed to be in bed.

"You're cute when you're confused." Was the only reply, as Yunlan rolled his shoulders and smoothly set his bow against the strings imperiously. As if he was in a concert hall, not their living room. The sound he produced was vaguely Spanish and Yunlan was swaying slightly, suggesting that he liked the song. He saw Shen's expression and laughed, "Tell me you recognize Havana by Camila Cabello? They probably know her in Outer Mongolia!"

Shen Wei felt himself sway slightly too and stared at his world, who was now humming. "Never heard of it." The name sounded Spanish which was not strange as Zhao often played everything from ancient Greek melodies to modern pop songs, from just about every country. It was why he was so in demand for his talents. That and his masterful skills.

Yunlan rolled his eyes and sighed put upon. "Its my new favorite song. Da Qing wants to marry her. What's for breakfast?"

Confused as ever and already calmer, the tears drying with the sound of the romantic song and the sight of his beloved, Shen laughed, heart dancing at the love in Yunlan's eyes and how amazing this man was to play his cello to cheer him up, when he was so short on sleep. "Your favorites."

The foxfire eyes gleamed and that breathtakingly beautiful grin warmed his soul. "I love sesame."

He turned back to his prep work, not sure what to say. His heart full and the claws of the past receded slowly.

Yunlan never had such a problem with words, "She was in love with a hot Cuban guy in the music video. They danced in an alleyway. Do you think my hot Dragon City chef, would do that? I'm in love with him."

He laughed despite himself and turned to look at him, "No."

When they danced, the only destination was the bed after just a few steps, but that sinful mouth pouted, "Mean."

Shen smiled and moved his bowl of fruit closer. There was only the sound of cooking utensils and the sultry almost playful chords, until Yunlan said, "I'm sorry."

Zhao Yunlan was not someone who apologized easily. He turned and looked his Savior and beloved angel questioningly. He just smiled sadly, "I know you miss him"

The pain lingered but the yawning chasm of grief had closed a bit more with the love in Zhao's eyes.

"I'm a mess." It hurt to say that. To admit the truth even to the chopping board.

"I fell in love with you in that park." He stated calmly as if the world already knew, never mind turning Shen Wei's world upside down.

"I was..."

The bow never wavered, those eyes were so intense on his back he could feel it as a caress, as the bow vibrated against the strings, "Hurting. I wanted to run over there and wrap you in a blanket. Hold you for the rest of your life. Keep you safe."

Shen grabbed the clean tea towel and dried his freshly wet eyes. "You did. You always have."

Yunlan kept playing, never missing a note as the song seemed to dance between them, cajoling and sultry, soothing his bruised heart as he dried his eyes. Then Yunlan grinned, "Still can't believe we were married to the sound of the flute."

"Sang Zan did a wonderful job." Shen Wei said, turning back to his completed sesame balls. As the song was nearing crescendo, he admitted quietly, "I play your wedding album on my way to work. All five songs."

Yunlan's smile became blinding when he chanced to look. "Good morning husband."

Shen Wei just laughed and kept on cooking to the sound of the cello and feeling of pure love. They could do anything as long they were together.