Chapter 20

Summer

Jenny was tagging along tonight. Unlike the rest of us, she lived in Myrtle. She and Ian had been hooking up on and off for years. I couldn't help but wonder how strong Ian's supposed feelings for me were if he had no qualms about having her around. It kind of solidified my suspicion this was all physical.

I closed my cosmetic case and stared at the sink. What would my father want me to do? He'd been a hopeless romantic at heart. I'd gotten that from him. Except he'd acted on his passion and I only dreamed about it. He'd never loved again after Sharon left. He hadn't so much as looked at another woman. Would he say, Go ahead, have a wild fling with the guy next door? Or be more level-headed and say, Pick the stable choice with Matt?

"Dee."

"Yes?" She smoothed out her dress and stood.

"Do you think my dad would be proud?" Hot tears formed a ball in my throat "I teach more than I paint. I haven't fallen in love or made plans for a family."

She grabbed my shoulders and gave me a firm shake. "Look at you. Beautiful, sweet, smart, talented. You give everything to your students and they adore you. The love and family part will come. What's not to be proud of?" Her soft gaze met mine. "Your daddy loved you so much. You know that. And he knows you loved him."

I dropped my forehead to her shoulder, swamped with immeasurable gratitude I had the best friends in the world. They picked me up, time and time again. The pressure behind my ribs eased and I was able to fend off tears. "You're the best, Dee."

"Well, no duh. Now, enough of this. You'll ruin your makeup."

I laughed, the sound catching in my throat. "Let's go."

The bonfire festivities on the beach were already crowded by nightfall. People swarmed to buy popcorn and cotton candy and barbequed pork, the smells wafting through the air and tempting my uneasy stomach. Children ran about, laughing and playing with glow sticks and sparklers, delighted to be free of their standard bedtime.

The six of us were gathered around a picnic table, sipping beer and taking it all in. Off to one side, mindful of the tide, a band was setting up a stage just outside of an enormous, open gazebo. It was the ideal spot because those wanting to catch the music could gather on the beach, and others wishing to dance could do so inside the gazebo.

It was my favorite part of the evening, usually. Watching the crowd, the hum of music, dancing with Matt and losing reality to the joy of Fourth week. The freedom from sick kids and board meetings and deadlines.

But I wasn't thinking about Matt. I was trying not to be obvious about watching Ian with Jenny. They hadn't made out or gotten cutesy, but he'd had his arm around her half the night, would casually murmur or laugh in her ear at some private joke.

Proof our kiss meant nothing to him.

Completely unused to this new jealousy, I reminded myself I liked Jenny. Ian was not an option and Matt was right beside me. He was my future.

Yet I was crawling out of my skin. No matter how hard I tried to focus on something else, my gaze kept landing back on them. On him. The way his easy grin transformed the rugged shape of his jaw. His dark eyes as they scanned the beach. The way the muscles in his forearms coiled when he held his cup. His T-shirt molded to his shoulders and chest, enhancing the ridges and bulges as he flexed. His dark, messy hair caught the breeze rolling in off the water, making my hands itch to run my fingers through the strands or pick up a brush to paint his likeness.

My turmoil wasn't just about losing Matt, or being alone, or changing the friendship with Ian. Those were factors, not whole reasons. Truth was, Ian was the only person in my life who loved me as myself. He got me on a bone-deep level and, I feared, the only person capable of breaking me. History assured me that if we acted on our attraction, he'd get bored or eventually resent any romantic relationship. He was the only reason I was still alive, the reason why I got out of bed most days. Take that away and I would vanish.

Matt nudged me with his elbow. He jerked his chin toward Jenny, indicating she'd been talking to me.

I rubbed my forehead. "I'm sorry. I didn't hear you."

"I said we should get a bigger bonfire going this year." Her reddish brown hair was short and neatly styled in a perfect bob. Jenny was a very petite woman. I used to think that if I hugged her too hard she'd break in half. Her voice always came out like an amused squeak and raked my ears raw.

Nodding, I tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. Ah, yes. Tomorrow, we would build a bonfire on our private section of the beach, just outside of the Memmer's house, roasting marshmallows and watching the Myrtle fireworks display over the ocean. A tradition for us.

I caught Ian staring at me, concern and curiosity in his gaze, but I quickly turned my head. A blush heated my neck, rising to my cheeks.

The last thing I needed was Ian knowing where my thoughts had been. The man knew women, myself most of all, and could read them like one of his books on his shelf. I had been struggling all night to hide from his stares, to keep my voice even when I spoke. It wasn't easy when his jeans enhanced his strong thighs and narrow hips, when the deep timbre of his voice heated the blood in my veins to scalding.

It occurred to me, I'd never had a reaction like this to another man. Part of me had begged fate for this kind of response, to give credence to the romanticism I envied. How stupid I'd been to hope for this. It was like freefalling with no net. A fever that wouldn't break. Being taken apart cell by cell.

I swallowed the lump in my throat and blew out a careful breath. I glanced around while the others chatted, their voices just white noise.

Red and yellow lights from the Ferris wheel illuminated the night sky, reminding me of when Rick had kissed Dee for the first time in one of the bucket seats at the top. I looked over at them, arms around each other. I wanted that. Someone to adoringly look at me like I was the only thing that existed. To hold me and wake with me and fill the emptiness inside. Someone to give me the warm fuzzies Rick and Dee felt for each other.

With stark clarity and deep regret, I understood I'd never have that with Matt. If I didn't feel it now, after a year together, it wouldn't emerge at all. He loved me, or the idea of me, but I wasn't his moon and sun. Affection and endearing sweetness filled his hazel eyes when he'd look at me, but the hot pang of need was missing. Sticking with Matt was probably the right choice. The reasonable one. There was no chance of him wrecking me.

The band started, having finished a sound check.

Ian took my hand from across the table, sending an electric charge of hot blue lightning pulsing through my arm. The pad of his thumb swept the top of my hand as he held me captive in his gaze. The air sizzled between us, an undercurrent of what-if and precarious yearning.

One corner of his lips curved, the expression he used when trying to assure me everything was okay, that we were still us. "Dance with me."

Matt's gaze darted between us. I caught the swivel of his head in my peripheral vision. Slowly, he stood. "Go ahead, beautiful. I'll take Jenny for a spin."

That. That right there was like a claw shredding my hope. A person would have to be an idiot not to pick up on the heat between me and Ian. I was too inexperienced to know how to hide my reaction. And Matt...was just willing to let me go. A dance, into the arms of another man...it didn't matter. He wasn't going to fight for me, even if the other guy was my best friend.

It had been that way my whole life. People walked. Ignored me. Didn't notice me at all. Died. And no one ever fought for me. Like I wasn't worth the effort. All except...Ian.

I cut my gaze back to him. Those dark as midnight eyes watched me, waiting. Warm pools of liquid chocolate, and I melted. On shaking legs, I stood and let him lead me across the sand to the open gazebo, where other couples were slow-dancing to the band's rendition of Howie Day's Collide.

Gently, he tugged me to his hard wall of chest and wrapped his arms around my back. My head spun as I breathed in his earthy scent mixed with cut wood, one that was distinctly his, and I closed my eyes. Ian wasn't overly tall, just under six feet, so the top of my head reached his chin. Every inch of his body was in direct contact with mine. Our thighs brushed as we moved slowly. My breasts crushed between us, our hips aligned so that I could feel the ridge of his slight erection against my belly. I sucked in a harsh breath and opened my eyes.

As if knowing what I'd been thinking, he dipped his head and spoke against my ear. "There's your proof, Summer, if you were looking for it." His voice was broken, hoarse, and riddled with a need I'd never heard from a man.

A tremble tore through me, in direct contrast to the heat infusing every one of my cells. My hands, trapped between our bodies, fisted in his shirt. I stared at the dark stubble on his jaw, wanting to press my face against his throat, and tried to draw air. Futile. There was nothing to breathe but him. A want, so deep I nearly wept, rose inside me and consumed. Obliterated. Savaged.

He slid one hand down my spine to the curve of my backside and urged me closer, as if I wasn't already so embedded I could crawl inside him. His other roamed up and stopped at my neck, the callused fingers dancing along my hairline. My pulse thumped wild and I couldn't bite back the needy moan in my throat.

He heard, because I felt him smile against my temple. And, if I wasn't mistaken, he sagged in relief. "Tonight, Summer. In your room, we'll talk about...this. Just you and me. No one else. That's why I waited." His warm breath traced the shell of my ear and I trembled again.

Some of my defiance broke through the haze, and I shook my head. "No. I know what you're going to say and...no." My body cried yes to contradict my words.

He stilled, jaw grinding. His muscles tensed against me even as his heart pounded under my palm. "You think you know what I'm going to say, but you don't. Not this time. And you're running from me before I have the chance to reach for you. That's not fair to me, to us."

I drew away to look up at him. The turmoil and hurt in his eyes unglued me. "You don't get it, Ian. You're the person I run to, not away from. That's why we can't do this."

His lips parted as if I'd slapped him, surprise rounding his eyes. He gave a slight shake of his head, a sense of betrayal emanating from him. "Summer..."

The song ended, and I backed up before he could stop me. The loss of his heat shocked like withdrawal, leaving an empty shell in its wake. A shiver cut through me, beginning at the base of my spine and emanating out until I was nothing but a block of ice. The aching twinge in my chest escalated into pain and I almost caved.

His eyes narrowed to dangerous slits as he reached for me.

I turned and bumped solidly into Matt's chest.