Chapter 7

All my life, I wanted to feel like I belonged somewhere.

I learned that sometimes, you don't need to belong somewhere. It is okay to be on your own and it is okay to want to belong. It can be with a group of friends, at home with your family or with someone significant. It can be a place that brings you peace and it suits you well so that you don't ever want to leave.

It is okay to feel it and it is perfectly okay to crave it, because it is not wrong as a human being to feel such thoughts or emotions. After all, we have been mechanically wired to live with a partner, to have a family, and to work as a unit. We can't possibly survive alone in this cruel world, you'll end up going insane while craving for it.

One day, while I was making my way downstairs to the vending machine to purchase a warm drink, I received a call. I felt my mobile phone vibrating and so I stopped walking to pull the phone out of my skirt pocket. My heart froze when I saw the caller ID and my hands shook slightly as I accepted the call.

"What do you want?" I asked.

"Amari-chan, can you transfer me some money? I'm tight on cash this month."

My heart sank. There was no way she calls me for things other than getting money from me. It was like I was reduced to a cash mule now. Frustration rose in my throat like bile and I fought to keep it down. It had been months since the last time I spoke to her and I thought she wasted away.

"What? Aren't you working? Give your mother some money!"

"I told you, I don't have –"

"Come on, this is your mother you're talking to! Help me! I birthed you! The least you can do is help me!"

"Inari -"

"Just give me a thousand dollars! I need it!"

"A thousand - I told you, I don't have that kind of fucking money!"

I ended the call without hearing her reply and pocketed my mobile phone. Anger rose in my chest as I stared down at the ground, too shocked to register what was happening. Letting out a breath, I ran away from there and headed towards the nearest female bathroom.

I needed to cry, and I wanted to be away from prying eyes.

I was on the second floor, running towards the bathroom when I heard a male's voice calling out for me but I was too preoccupied to answer and dodged into the female bathroom, going to the last stall and slamming the door closed. Locking it behind me, I sank to the ground with the stall to my back and started sobbing my heart out.

My chest hurt, my breathing was starting to get bad and I knew I was going into an attack soon. I let out a groan, as I tried to control my breathing. My tears were blurring my vision and my hands were shaking badly as it cupped my mouth, not wanting to create noise. It was a fight for control, between my own fears and my mind.

One was telling me to give up, while the other was telling me to calm down and breathe.

Breathe.

Breathe!

Slowly, I pressed myself into a curled position while I kept my forehead on my knees as I squeezed my eyes shut. Forcing myself to breathe through my mouth, I began to think of other things, of happier things so I could get myself out of this panic attack. It was the only other way for me to get out of this without harming myself. It was a battle of the mind and who was stronger; the panic or my own mind.

It was no easy feat.

My whole body was trembling, and my hands were so cold.

Come on Izumi, you can do this!

I tried to think of the future; where I could live freely. I tried to think of the happiness I will achieve once I graduate from High School and get my ass to University. I tried to think of seeing Setagawa-san's proud face as I showed him my diploma certificate. I tried to think of happiness that I never had. It was difficult but then Hajime-san's face showed up in my mind.

Suddenly, the fear gradually disappeared and my head shot up in shock as I realized that the panic had died down and I was back in one piece.

I was still shaken but I was fine.

Hajime-san.

Why did I think about him?

Deciding that it was long enough in the stall, I got out and washed my face. I glanced at myself in the mirror, seeing my face and knowing how much everything hurts that I couldn't look at myself for long before I left the lavatory altogether. Sighing, I ran a hand through my hair to mess it up as I made my way back to my classroom.

I didn't walk far when I was called. Surprised, I turn around to see Hajime-san idly standing by the hallway looking apprehensive.

"Hajime-san?" My heart doubled its rate. I felt like a deer caught in headlights, did he see me run to the girl's bathroom earlier?

"Are you okay?" he asked. "I called you just now but you didn't see me and I got worried. You were so long in the toilet."

So, he was the one who had called me out just now. What am I supposed to explain to him?

"I'm okay," I said, keeping my eyes averted.

I didn't want him to see my vulnerable state, couldn't bear it if another man saw me in this state. I just didn't want to appear weak to others. I didn't like showing my weak side to anyone. The call from my mother has shocked me, and was the trigger of my panic attack. But, I was more in shock of the fact that he could stop my panic in one smooth move.

Hajime-san was quiet, and I wanted to get out of there. However, before I could move, I felt him in front of me and then his arms curling around me to pull me in his embrace. I looked up in shock, seeing his chest closing in and my face was pressed against it. I was too flabbergasted to do anything, so I simply allowed him to hold me in his arms.

I could smell him.

Like the sea breeze against the beach.

Like sun-dried clothes after dipping in the sea.

I was frozen stiff.

Honestly, I was terrified beyond comparison and shrugged off his arms immediately to step back from him. Hajime-san looked confused, and I didn't like seeing that expression on his face but I didn't want to explain my reason to him. My heart was hammering away, all sorts of thoughts and emotions were filling up my chest.

"I'm sorry," I whispered and fled.