Chapter 18: Unnecessary Worry

I swept the students' reports and the portfolio into my backpack, except for the page with Melinda's details, and wanted to make a dash for the door when I heard Crath from across the room.

"Maybe you should come and join us, the boys, for a drink sometime. Your old man used to hang out with us but he thinks I'm mad at him for not returning my money. If you see him, tell him it's fine. I don't need it.'

I looked around the room and saw Mrs Ismelle, Bale's secretary, and another fella', whom I hadn't met before, halting whatever they were doing and turning to Crath.

'How much does he owe you?'

'Peanuts. Don't worry about it!'

'How much?'

'A couple of hundred. More or less...", and he took a large bite from his apple.

I wished I had done a good ole' scene and taken two hundred bucks out of my pocket, crossed the room and slapped it on the table in front of him. But I didn't have a couple of hundred bucks with me. I don't think I even had one hundred.

'I'll get you the money', was all I could muster up in the circumstances and, as unheroic as it sounded, was a bit more than he'd anticipated.

I bought a large Americano from Alfredo's, sat in the green enclosure outside his diner and smoked two in a row. Then, took the paper out and made the call

'Could I speak to Mrs Morata Hoakes, please?'

'Who is this?'

'Hi. Miss Hoakes? Sarpaulis. Rick Sarpaulis. I teach Maths to your daughter, Melinda.'

'Oh yes, Mr Sarpaulis.'

'I hope it's not a bad time or anything...'

'No. Please, go ahead. Did Melinda do something bad at school?

'No. No. Quite the contrary.' Even though she was asking the right questions, she seemed slightly out of touch and sounded frail. 'Actually, that's why I'm phoning. You see, I was teaching elementary Maths this morning and, well... long story short, I asked my students to solve this very simple problem. Well, Melinda came with this answer which was quite unusual.'

'Unusual how?'

'Unusual, like... let's just say that what she did is like rocket science compared to what I teach. Ya' know? I was wondering if you, her dad, or I don't know, her odd, genius uncle might have helped her with it....

'So you've noticed too.'

For the second time today my heart sank deeper into my chest. 'Noticed?'

'That she's acting like this.'

'Oh. So what else has she done? You know, Mrs Hoakes, I know it's been a pretty miserable day of sorts, but it's looking like it's clearing up. Would you like to grab a cup of coffee and talk more about it maybe?'

'Maybe...you should come over to our place. If you're free, that is. Actually, I don't know.' And she paused and I thought I'd lost reception. 'Yes, come over, if you want. Could you come now?

I looked at my watch. Half past two.

'We can meet in town, if it's...'

'No. No. Come over to our place. It's better this way. I need to show you something.'

'Okay. Yeah. I could come now.'

Mrs Hoakes then told me where she lived and, after a couple of clumsy exchanges about mistaken places I was able to understand that her home was a few miles outside town and that I could get there on the bus within half an hour from where I was. So, that's what I was going to do, it seemed. I didn't know where I was going, what I was getting myself into, or what was driving me to keep at it. But I had discovered I was more apprehensive than before and abode more by the 'if you don't risk anything, you risk everything' adage. It wasn't an easy decision to make. I could've backed down at any moment. For all I knew, the Hoakes' could lure me into a cult as well, the way I thought Audrey and her parents might have done and, why not, could still do. This is what living with OCD does to you. You are afraid to commit to any step in whatever direction, for fear of screwing up. The worst fear is not that you're causing harm to yourself, but to someone else dear to you. Although, from a quantum point of view this thought doesn't have much weight. Fear of having something bad happen to someone you love is in fact fear of your reactions and the extent of your suffering in such a scenario, and has nothing to do with somebody else. You might say that, once you have accepted that quantum mechanics plays a role in your life, and that you could actually and totally believe in solipsism (the theory that nothing exists outside your mind) then it wouldn't be impossible to break walls, move mountains and cut short suffering. It also seemed like a reasonable problem for Hamlet; being so aware of the quantum aspect, and yet so unable to yield any peace of mind that I don't see how you expect me to totally dismiss it at the snap of a finger.

I asked Audrey if she needed my help. No answer. Mrs Hoakes had told me to get off at Saturniun Creek, and I didn't actually expect a bus sign which read that, but there it was. More surprising was that their farm stretched over a vastness of crop fields and I wondered where the famous Saturniun Creek actually was. It was the strangest of names for a field of corn. The dry, withered stalks were still surprisingly beautiful for October and, with the weather clearing up and yesterday's sun reclaiming its place in the skies, they donned a grayish yellow that took me back to late August and its warmth, which I miss a lot.