Ups and down (3)

"Are you fine, Aaron?" Someone asked as it touched his shoulder, knocking him out of his thoughts.

"Hm?" he turned around quickly and saw a familiar nurse behind him. "Oh."

"I'm Magdolna. We've met a few days ago." Aaron knew that, since the next day she had started to work in the hospital, constantly helping him. She always repeated him her name probably because of how distracted he always seemed, or maybe just because she thought that he was that bad and considered a necessity to constantly remind him.

It bothered him.

She didn't seem to care how fake it looked when he tried to smile at her as a form of greeting. He felt it too forced on his face, but she merely squeezed his shoulder in reassurance before letting him go completely. For some reason, the place where her hand had touched him started to itch but he ignored the feeling; he was getting too paranoid lately.

"Yes, I remember you. Hi, Magdolna." Looking around Aaron noticed that there wasn't anyone in the room with him anymore. "You need something?"

She chuckled lightly. The tone was sweet, but it made Aaron want to run away. "You were spacing out, big boy. I didn't think that you've noticed that it was already dinner time."

"Oh, yeah." Aaron glanced down. It was true. He hadn't noticed how much time it had passed with him sitting on the same spot.

"You need to eat, Aaron. You still have a diet to follow." His teeth clenched involuntarily at how condescending her tone sounded, but he closed his eyes instantly and tried to count to five before sighing and deciding to stand up. He didn't feel hungry but his doctor always kept telling him about how important it was for him to eat constantly ─ one of the conditions he gave him if he wanted to get out.

Luckily he was a fairly healthy guy who liked exercise and being active. The routine of doing it was soothing.

"Thanks for reminding me, you're really nice to me." Magdolna's lips merely twitched in a strange way at the compliment and instead of leaving, she accompanied him to the dining room.

She left when they finally reached his destination, mentioning how much work she still had to do. Aaron was paying too much attention to her that it wasn't until he nodded and wished her good luck, that he noticed his surroundings for the first time. He normally went to eat earlier than everyone did, sometimes even later, because he felt too uncomfortable eating with too many people around him. He hadn't checked the time and Magdolna had made him go when the place was fuller. He was still in front of the counter with his tray in hand when he started to look around for a place to sit; his usual spot was occupied.

He fidgeted before deciding to sit next to John; he thought it would be easier because even while the guy was eating, his eyes never left the pages of the notebook he kept scratching. Though that didn't stop John from glancing up nervously when he felt someone sit beside him. His eyes widening as he looked at Aaron.

"Oh…Uh, Hi, Aaron." John's hand started to tremble slightly as he tried to make himself look smaller, something easier for him to do considering their vastly contrasting sizes. John was a small Asian guy with dark black hair and brown eyes, while Aaron had red hair, blue eyes, and was fairly tall, which sucked when he was a teenager with gangly arms. Now that he filled out, his size no longer bothered him.

That didn't mean he liked being observed though.

"Hi, John. Can I sit here, please?" Aaron tried to use his friendlier smile and his politest tone. John looked surprised and a little shocked before he sighed in relief.

"Yes, yes, of course." The panic in his voice seemed almost completely gone as he slowly smiled.

Aaron didn't mention the change in attitude. He didn't blame the guy, really. He knew that most of the patients had already noticed his mood changes. He was getting too at edge these days and it was getting harder to hide it if the tension he had felt around him was something to go by. It was as if everyone saw him like a time bomb, looking for a sign at any moment to know when he would explode.

He had tried everything so that way no one would notice, but he had failed horribly.

Two days ago he just couldn't anymore. The realization of what was happening hit him really hard that day and that was why he only wanted to be in bed and if he was lucky, get some sleep. Maybe in his dreams, it would be easier to ignore his thoughts. But Magdolna always knocked his door to remind him about his pills and eating schedule. Aaron had spent some time trying to perfect his normalcy act in front of the mirror before being able to go outside, even if he still felt guilty because of how he responded at Lucifer's proximity a few days ago.

He knew that they had become close in the last few weeks, and Aaron could even begin to call Lucifer a really close friend, but at that moment it hadn't felt like friendship and he was afraid of getting too attached. He didn't want that, or maybe he did but knew that he didn't possess the sanity to be able to form a healthy relationship. He still wanted to talk with Lucifer; he enjoyed his presence. Though it had passed many days since the last time he had saw him and now Aaron was getting worried.

He knew that Lucifer didn't like humans, he wasn't skittish to vocalize it in every opportunity he had, but for some reason, he looked like it didn't bother him to talk with Aaron. It was as if he even liked him. He knew that Lucifer could chose to come to say hello and then go, or simply to not come at all. Their deal was to be his friend but that didn't include that Lucifer needed to visit him. They could easily be pen-pals.

Aaron couldn't avoid feeling especial, because Lucifer went to saw him almost every day, even when he was busy he came for a couple of minutes to see if Aaron was doing something interesting enough to ignore his work. He was able to see his soul; he had told him that many times but Aaron didn't know exactly what that meant and he never asked, probably because he didn't want to hear the answer.

He didn't know if Lucifer had noticed the spark of arousal he had felt that day at their closeness either. Though that may be why he hadn't returned since that day… Probably he had been disgusted at Aaron's human behavior. Maybe he had realized that Aaron was just like any other human being with the same primitive instincts. If that demon in the crossroads had known what Aaron had done in his past, then it meant that Lucifer knew too. But maybe he was already used to those kinds of souls, having been around demons and all? Though he was an angel too, right? One who didn't like humans (if any of the other angels did like them). Maybe there was a line that Aaron had crossed.

Aaron could remember the thoughts that had invaded two days ago, four days since the last time he had seen Lucifer. He had felt like shit while he was eating his lunch and had ignored others because, at the time, he wanted to be alone. The good thing about this kind of place was that everyone seemed to know when someone wanted to be alone; it was like a silent agreement between the patients. But that didn't mean that they wouldn't notice when someone did something that was far from normal.

Like what happened after he finished his plate that day. He was sure that his grip in the tray had been strong, or perhaps that was his brain trying to create more excuses for his clumsiness. He just remembered standing up with the tray, feeling relieved that he just needed to take his pills and then he'd be able to return to his room, but in the next moment, the tray fell from his hands. Aaron had tried to grab it before it hit the floor but that only made him fall too, cutting his hand with a piece of broken glass as a result.

He thought that it had been Dalton the one that first laughed. He didn't pay much attention; he could only see the trail of blood that rolled from his palm, reminding him of the day he left the marks on his arm, it was hypnotizing how bright the red was, how alive it looked.

Aaron suddenly felt heavy as he started to clench his fist, feeling ridiculous because he wasn't able to hold a tray correctly; he wasn't even a good human. He was pathetic.

He remembered feeling a hand touching his shoulder and then there was gauze covering his hand. Magdolna was the one adding pressure, looking him with the same pity he had seen in Will's eyes as he kept asking 'Why you've done this to yourself, boy?'

Aaron pushed her and pressed his injured hand against his chest. He thought that he might have screamed at her to leave him alone. He didn't remember a lot after that, everything was blurred; the loud pound in his ears, his throat raw and tight; the desperation being the only thing clear to him. He didn't know when he started to scratch his face, but the reflection he saw in the mirror the next day was the confirmation that he had done it. He did remember when they grabbed him from behind to inject him though. He remembered seeing a smile as everything went black.

Since then Aaron had done everything to redeem himself. He started to talk more with the patients, helping the nurses to carry things and trying to make himself look harmless in front of them, something that had always been hard considering his height, but Aaron had practice. He was also more careful when he ate; ignoring how he wanted to pull his hair out of his head every time he felt eyes on him. He had started to count until five, sometimes even ten, to be able to calm himself.

He told his doctor that he had a dream of Erika the day before and that it had felt so real, he couldn't stop thinking about that. Telling him some of his fondest memories when he asked about her, feeling hollow and repulsive as he did so, expecting that he'd believe that the few tears he shed were because of him remembering and not other thing. It wasn't as if it didn't hurt to think about her, but it was easier because the ache was familiar. He had grown used to it.

"It's okay to grief; emotions are what makes us humans, Aaron. But if you get lost in the pain, then you'll only end unable to feel anything else."

"But I don't want to forget her, what if I stop thinking and then─" Aaron stopped. He forgot that he only needed to nod. He didn't want his doctor to think that he wasn't right. He shook his head, wanting to show as if he was clearing his head. "I'm sorry, you're right."

His doctor's eyes softened. "It's fine. Just remember that is normal to think in a person, a memory; just remember that it doesn't define you, Aaron. Don't let it led your life," his doctor said. And for some reason, Aaron thought of Lucifer. How, whenever he thought of their last meeting, he felt guilt, embarrassment, shame, and longing.

After Erika and Marcus died, Aaron pushed his friends away. He wanted to be left alone, afraid to depend on other's empathy and become attached. Because they could leave whenever they wanted and what would Aaron do then? And he was sure they would leave after finding how broken he was. So, what had changed? When Lucifer's presence had become so important? He knew that they had grown close since they met, but if Lucifer didn't want to visit him, then wasn't entitled to do it. With the deal, Lucifer agreed to be his friend. But 'friend' could be an empty title too. Lucifer could hate Aaron and still pretend to be his friend.

Aaron sighed, returning to the present as he grabbed carefully his empty tray, smiling at John when he told him that his book was almost ready. Magdolna waved at him when she saw him entering his room, giving him a plastic cup and his pills. They tasted weird, but Aaron was already used to it; he knew that it wouldn't be too long until they started to kick off and make him sleepy. That was why he instantly lied on the bed and closed his eyes, waiting.

What he liked about the sleeping pills was that they made no room for him to think and that was good because it had almost passed a week since he had seen Lucifer and he didn't want to think about that. He felt too co-dependent already.