Antidepressant Withdrawal (6)

Aaron was washing his face in the sink; his reflection showed him how pale he got after finishing throwing up in the bathroom. Ignoring how his head hurt and his weak legs, Aaron retreated towards his bed; he just wanted to lie there until he wouldn't feel so dizzy anymore. Lucifer had visited him yesterday in the night to help him sleep so he was pretty sure he wouldn't return yet. He sighed. He couldn't remember when his thoughts had changed from apprehension to the happiness he felt just by thinking that Lucifer would return. Then another shift happened again, but this time in reverse. After all, he was worried that he continued seeing him in a worse state each time.

He clenched his fists. He hated that feeling. He hated growing too close to someone until he started to get worried about when they would leave. Aaron knew, rationally, that he didn't have to be worried because Lucifer knew him very well and was just concerned, but at the same time, his brain couldn't stop thinking what would happen if he did something that was weirder from his usual self. He was afraid to lose everyone around him.

Involuntarily he pressed his nails against the skin on his ribs, stopping when a knock on the door made him jump, startled. He took a deep breath and ran a hand through his hair before opening the door. Maintaining his smile small, worried that the bags under his eyes would be more noticeable if his smile was too broad.

"Good morning, Aaron."

Aaron threw a quick glance at the hall before he answered. "Hi, Mag."

She smiled as she handed him a book he hadn't noticed before she had under her arm. "Thank you, it was really good." Aaron received the object, confused, and looked down at it; he didn't remember having seen it before.

He raised an eyebrow. "I don't understand."

"Don't you remember that I asked you to recommend a book and you gave me this one?" Aaron blinked, trying to remem- Oh, right. He looked down at the book again.

"Yes, I remember, but Mag." He moved the book from one hand to another. "This isn't my book though."

She didn't look surprised when she sighed. "I'm sorry, one of the nurses also gave me one book; I think I grabbed the wrong one."

Aaron smiled reassuringly. "Don't worry, you can return it another day."

"But the book is in my locker." She gestured to the side of the hall where the staff's bathroom was. "I'll go and return it to you immediately, but my shift is going to start soon and..."

"As I said before, you don't need to worry."

Her lips twitched slightly in her usual smile. "But I'll feel bad, Aaron. If you could accompany me, then I would give it to you."

Aaron tilted his head; something he had picked from Lucifer. "Are you sure is okay for me to─"

She waved a hand. "Yeah, sure. Besides, I need to go there to grab something too."

Aaron shrugged and followed her as she started to walk. He had never seen the interior of the room where all the nurses and doctors use to leave their things and showered, so he was truly curious to see how different it was from the one that was for patients. At first, he thought that he would only get a glimpse of the room when Mag opened the door, but to his surprise, she motioned him to enter.

She winked. "I know that you're curious."

Aaron chuckled but went inside and looked around the room; it was bigger than he had thought. The lockers were on the far side, so they wouldn't get wet. Magdolna went there and opened her locker, but before she could pull the door, they both heard the voice of the head of the nurses walking closer, giving instructions to some kind of walkie talkie.

They both looked at each other with widened eyes. "I'll distract her; you change the books and stay here until I return and tell you it's good, okay?" she said quickly in hushed tones, Aaron nodded and grabbed the book from her hand.

She ran towards the nurse and Aaron could barely hear the words they exchanged. He opened her locker's door carefully, afraid that it would make a sound. He saw his book on top of her stuff and took it out too quickly, making some of Mag's stuff fall. He glanced around, hoping that no one had heard him before he knelt and grabbed all the things from the floor. His hand stopped when he saw her razor, though.

He took a deep breath as his fingers brushed the edge, closing his eyes as he thought about the possibilities. He tore his hand away and clenched his fist, not wanting to see them shaking; he took a breath and opened his eyes, blinking a few times to stop them from watering. He remembered the blood, the calm.

Magdolna would notice if he took her razor, he thought, repeating the sentence over and over in his head while he grabbed the razor and returned it from where it had fallen among the other things. He heard a sound and Aaron's head jerked towards it. He decided that he would hide while he waited until Magdolna came. Looking at his surroundings, Aaron noticed a good spot in a corner next to the lockers with a trashcan in front that seemed to have enough space for him.

He moved the little trash full of bottles, papers, and other things, to hide. He only had to wait a couple of minutes. When he stood in the spot and returned the trash in its place he blinked, noticing another razor that it was similar to the one he had seen in Magdolna's locker, the only difference was that this looked less new, the edge not longer so sharp. He swallowed and heard another sound. It was something from the spur of the moment that he decided to grab the razor and place it between the pages of the book. He accidentally cut the tip of his finger but it didn't bleed, making it easier to hide it when Magdolna came for him.