four.now

"'She's in the clouds/ heavy and dark/ waiting to/ fall like rain," I murmured as Noah and I climbed the stairs that led to his apartment.

He looked down at me, confused.

"Christy Anna Martin."

Another blank stare.

I sighed. "It's a poem Noah."

"Right. A poem."

As we reached our floor, he reached into his pockets and pulled out a bundle of keys. My eyes fluttered and suddenly I couldn't stand. I leaned into the brown brick wall and slid into the ground.

Whenever will I stop my fall, when the hands that would catch me ceases to be? I hate the darkness, and yet the darkness is all I seem to know now. All I can see is the endless darkness engulfing me. It's all I need. It's all I know.

"Yara." Distantly, Noah was calling my name, but I barely noticed.

Not crying, not hurting, just existing. Just... alone.

"Yara," he said again, and this time his hand closed around my left wrist and I flinched, feeling the impact of the pressure against the multiple bandages.

He let go immediately, and I stood up. I could feel him staring at my wrists, so I shoved my hands into my pockets.

And then he said the words that I dreaded, the words that had hunted me since early that morning: "Are you alright?"

I didn't answer him. I turned to face our apartment and twisted the already unlocked door open, feeling his eyes on my back as I trekked to my bedroom. Idly, I heard Isis call my name, but I dutifully ignored her as I walked into my room and closed my door behind me.

Finally alone, I pulled off my sweater and gym shoes and collapsed into my bed. A pounded headache had formed behind my eyes, and I reached into my left pocket and pulled out two Tylenol Extra Strength pills. Swallowing them dry, since I've never really seen the issue with that, I dug into my other pocket and pulled out my AirPods. Engraved into the case was W + Y. My heart started hurting again, and I closed my eyes.

Breathe in, breathe out.

My eyes still closed, I took my AirPods out of their case and plugged them into my ears. Stuffing the case back into my pocket, I went on my phone, went to my Sad Girl Music playlist, and shuffled it. Billie Eilish's soothing escaped from my headphones, and I lay down on my bed.

And, in those moments, I felt nothing. For the first time that morning, I completely at peace. Only the sound of her voice flowed through my mind.

🎵 ...if I love you was a promise, would you break it, if your honest...🎵

My eyes shot open. I pulled the AirPods out of my ears and threw them onto the dresser on the side of my bed.

I heard someone knocking on my door, and I whispered, "Come in."

Then, realizing that whoever's out there couldn't hear me, I slowly stood up. Slightly lightheaded, I took four steps toward my door and pulled it open, revealing Isis, Noah's girlfriend and the only thing close to a mother I'd ever known. And, of course, there was sadness in her eyes. But there was no pity as she pulled me into a tight hug. I stood there stiffly, having never formed a close relationship with her.

She let go, and I took a few steps back. I prepared myself for the speech I'd knew she'd give me.

But she didn't. "Do you want some ice cream?" is all she said instead.

I nodded.

"Chocolate?"

I nodded again.

She gave me a small smile and disappeared down the hall that led to the kitchen. I waited in the hallway until she returned with a full tube of children chip ice cream and a single spoon.

I wanted to smile, but instead I took the ice cream and turned to re-enter my room. Behind me I heard Isis say," You should really talk to your brother. He's worried about you. I'm worried about you. We just want what's best for you, Yara."

What's best for me.

Slowly, I said, "What's best for me you'll never know. What I really need is quiet, and I can never have that. My mind will never be quiet. I will never stop thinking about her." I felt like crying, but in that moment I refused to cry.

"And you and Noah, you keep asking me to talk to you, to explain what I'm going through. I don't even know what I'm going through, let alone how to explain it. All I am asking for is peace and quiet. Then, I'll answer you. Just please leave me alone."

Isis blinked, for once rendered silent. I gave her a tiny smile, all I could really manage, and then turned into my room, shutting the door behind me.

I slid to the floor along my door, and that's when the tears started racing down my cheeks. I tried to wipe them away but they kept falling, as if they were running away from the same thing that I was.

And, of all things, through my tears I remember a poem she told me so long ago.

"I play strong, but there's/ a mountain of fire/ burning in my chest/ and I crave you in/ my calm silence."

"It reminds me of you," she'd told me. "I can't stay away from you."

I couldn't stop crying. I couldn't stop thinking about her, the way she laughed, the way her face lit up in the most amazing way when she smiled, the way she never understood my poems but loved them nonetheless.

She loved me nonetheless, in a way that no one ever had or ever would.