CH2.1: Yellow Notebook (PA)

Trigger Warning: Suicide Letter, Abuse

The nurse who came in later on woke Nagisa up and advised him to go home. "I'll be taking care of Kirishima-kun for the night. Go home and come back tomorrow afternoon,"She whispered. Nagisa and Yuto were enveloped in a blanket but Yuto had fallen asleep in his arms. Nagisa sluggishly wiped his eyes and peered at the clock.

4am. He looked down at his lap to see a sleeping small 19 year old and huffed but his lips curved into a small smile. The nurse shook her head but she smiled too. "I wouldn't have called you to leave sir, but that would be against policy,". Nagisa lied Yuto down in bed properly and tucked him in before he pecked his forehead. "I'll come back to get you, Yuto-kun,".

He picked up his bag, his damp jacket, and Yuto's satchel. He slipped on his glasses and glanced at Yuto once more, who was peacefully asleep. The nurse ushered him out and the door shut behind her. When Nagisa arrived home, he couldn't sleep a wink so he attempted to make a coffee for himself but he didn't even know how to do that properly. He had added too much water and was disgusted with his diluted concoction.

After being babied by Yuto for so long, he had forgotten how to do even the most basic of things for himself. A pale yellow notebook stuck out of Yuto's bag and caught his eye. He pulled it out, intrigued. He knew that Yuto took fantastic notes for his classes, he'd seen him complete them at home, with the extra material pasted neatly to the pages and the key points were highlighted.

But Nagisa pulled out the wrong book. Yuto's lecture book was a light blue. The unsuspecting one that was chosen was the book he used to vent his emotions. On the last page, Yuto had marked out was a suicide letter.

There was only one letter and it was addressed to the man he had been living with. The bottom half of the page was tear-stained and his handwriting had been smudged, which means Yuto must have been blubbering away while he wrote it. Hot tears welled up in his eyes while he read the letter. The man didn't try to hold back his tears and continued flipping through the front pages of the book.

It contained Yuto's vents from when he was a senior in school. It talked about how he was abused at his family home, the gruesome and cruel torture he had to put up with. How he was sick of it. How he was lucky to be liberated from the vindictive women in his family for a few years. How euphoric he felt whenever he the dull kitchen knife at home sliced through the skin on the back of his thighs, cutting himself as if he were a limp piece of paper being sheared to shreds by a pair of scissors at his own will.

The pages also talked about how grateful he was to actually live with Nagisa, even though he came with a lot of emotional baggage. How he hoped he would be declared dead before he could even step foot into his family home again.

Nagisa shut the book and finished his coffee, feeling heartbroken. He'd been through this much? How did he not know this? No, how did Yuto manage to hide all this from him? So all the short responses, the rude demeanour, hating physical contact; they were all his defence mechanism. It was a way to keep this dark and morbid secret all to himself. All of this overflowing pain to himself.

That expression of pain when Nagisa just didn't believe that he had been abused. Nagisa couldn't imagine how hurt Yuto must have been after realising that the only person he trusted with his life didn't even try to acknowledge the trauma he'd been through. All of this was hard for him to digest but he knew he had to because it was time for him to stop feigning ignorance. He was so busy wallowing in sadness, he almost forgot to leave for work.

Once he arrived in school, he couldn't teach the kids properly anyway. "Shinji-sensei, did you eat breakfast and get enough rest?"One of the students asked and Nagisa slumped on the teacher's desk, exhausted. "No, I didn't and I think I need to rest for today. I can't collect your English assignments either. Ugh.."He groaned and the students secretly rejoiced. "Just finish your work if you haven't done it yet,". The students obediently followed his instructions while he had a short nap.

While switching between classes, he bumped into his sister. She was a policewoman and sometimes taught the children about road safety and other rules. "Aniki, you look dead,"She snickered and punched his shoulder. "Hitomi, I didn't sleep too well last night nor did I eat breakfast,". His sister looked surprised. "Ehh?? Doesn't that darling brother-in-law of yours cook your every meal?"She asked, stopping him in the hallway. "Don't call him that. No, he's in the hospital but he might get discharged today,".

Hitomi looked enticed. "I'll come along. I haven't seen him in years. Is he still a rude depressive teenager?". Nagisa shrugged and leaned against the wall in exhaustion. "He's much better than he was back then, trust me,"He smiled a little and Hitomi sighed. "Aniki, you're useless at taking care of yourself,".

She dragged her brother to the cafeteria and made him eat something. As Nagisa shoveled fish porridge down his throat, his sister asked for permission for Nagisa to go home early. "Shinji-sensei can't possibly teach today. He stayed over at the hospital last night and he hasn't gotten much rest,". The school authorities allowed Nagisa to take a break for the day because he looked like he had been overworking himself.

They knew that if their teachers worked in poor conditions, the students wouldn't be able to learn well. So after a very brisk breakfast, Hitomi brought her brother to the hospital. When approaching Yuto's room, Nagisa felt excited to pick him up again and take him home. He noticed that Yuto was being ticked off by a woman. The structure of her face was too similar to be a coincidence.

As he got closer, the woman was about to strike Yuto's face. He ran into the room and grabbed her wrist just as Yuto flinched and he stood over the boy protectively. Hitomi thought that her brother was rude to leave her behind but as soon as she heard the shouting in the room, she understood why. "Oh..Shinji-kun...What a surprise to see you here..."The woman gasped and retracted her hand as she shot him an innocent smile.

"You...you were about to hit him.."He growled and held the boy's trembling body close to him. Hitomi peered through the door that was left ajar. "Well, I'm his mother. I have all rights to see him and to-" She began to drawl but Nagisa was extremely angry and cut her off rudely. It was like seeing Yuto almost get hurt blew all the lethargy out of him.

"That's not a valid reason to beat him!". Even Hitomi was shocked. When they were growing up, Nagisa was never really angry with her. Sure he'd be irritated with her or their other siblings sometimes but it always blew off quickly. Not in this case though. Yuto's eyes had tears in them, his body shaking as he clung onto Nagisa and the man held him protectively in his arms.

Running a knuckle down Yuto's cheek, he was enraged. "I told you to stay away from him! Why can't an old rascal like you listen for once?!". The mother turned back to run away but Hitomi smirked from the entrance. "It's a fun time at the police station, don't you think so Ma'am?". Mrs Kirishima aimed a swift punch at Hitomi who merely laughed and seized her arm before pinning her to the wall, handcuffing her. "So you're his mother huh?"She jeered and gave the old woman an evil look. "Well well..enjoy calling him your son for the last time,".

Hands gripping onto Nagisa's shirt, Yuto cried in his arms. "There, there, that was scary right? Don't worry, I'm here for you,". Nagisa didn't know the fear of being abused but he knew that Yuto was dead afraid. "S-Shinji-san,"He whispered and held the man close to him. Nagisa was surprised to hear some form of emotion in his voice. 'He must truly be scared'. The man took a good look at Yuto's face and when he spotted a scratch on his cheek, he just felt so relieved that he decided to get there earlier.

What more could she have done if he decided to take Yuto home after work? She'd probably add more to the repertoire of bruises on his body.

"Did she slap you?". The boy nodded and it only sparked a mixture of anger and worry. "That's not the only number she left on your body, right?". Yuto blushed and realized what he meant. The bruises and cuts all over his body. Of course he would have seen them, Nagisa changed him out of his soaked clothes and everything. "Shinji-san, I'm sorry to trouble you,"He apologized and let go of Nagisa's shirt to push him away but the man held him tighter, refusing to let go.

"Don't let go of me Yuto-kun,"He huffed and the boy was surprised. Nagisa held his hands that were still trembling. "I know it was hell for you, having no one to lean on during such a dark period in your life. Because of that, I don't want you to let go of me,"Nagisa spoke gently and clasped his shaking hands even more tightly. He couldn't tell if they were shaking from the fear earlier or shaking from being held but that didn't matter.

The only thing that mattered was an important and precious Yuto was safe with his protection. The boy slowly put his arms around Nagisa's neck. He still couldn't understand physical affection but he was trying his best. Nagisa held the boy close to him and shut his eyes, petting him down his back delicately. Hitomi called Nagisa right at that moment. "Aniki, could you bring Yuto-kun to court? The judge wants to see him,".

Fear introduced themselves back into Yuto's eyes when he heard what she said. He began shaking again but Nagisa hugged him comfortingly. "I'll protect you with my life, Yuto-kun,". He whispered, the tone of his voice was full of determination and tousled the boy's hair tenderly. He pat Yuto's head before replying his sister's question. "Okay, Hitomi. We're on our way."

______________________________

Nagisa held Yuto's hand as he brought him home from court. He had also bought daifuku on the way home for Yuto to eat. Nagisa shouldered a bag that contained Yuto's damp clothes as he held Yuto's hand in one hand and the bag of deliciously large daifuku in another. "Yuto-kun, aren't you glad? You're free now,".

Nagisa didn't know what the court had granted for Yuto but he knew that Yuto was free now and he was overjoyed.

Relief. Joy. Happiness. He just felt so happy. But he didn't know how to express it. He hadn't smiled since he was a child. It felt awkward because he didn't know how to smile anymore. As they were climbing up the stairs to the porch, Yuto wrapped his arms around the man shyly. "Thank you, old dog,". For once, Nagisa wasn't angry at Yuto calling him that and he just laughed.

"No problem Yuto-kun. Yeah, why don't you make us some tea and we can eat these strawberry daifuku together hm?"He asked and the boy merely nodded and boiled some water in the kettle. He tied his hair up, like he usually did. As they sat down, Yuto unwrapped the daifuku and set it out on a plate. "Shinji-san, what's in a daifuku?"He asked as he waited for the water to boil.

Re-bandaging Yuto's hand carefully, he was as ginger as humanly possible. "The gash is still there right? Be careful,"He huffed and directed himself to Yuto's question. "Oh? There's usually bean paste but the one I bought for you has chocolate and strawberries in them,". The boy allowed the man to bandage his hand and looked wistful. "I've never had daifuku before. Does it taste good?". His reply stunned Nagisa for a second but then he remember that Yuto was practically starved and deprived of treats as a child.

Nagisa split the largest daifuku on the plate in  half with a knife and Yuto's emerald eyes twinkled like a child. Nagisa felt his cheeks flush a light shade of red as the boy observed the cut of dessert. "It looks so beautiful, Shinji-san,". The man noticed how impressed Yuto was with the daifuku. "Don't just stare at it, try it,"Nagisa giggled. The boy picked one half of the daifuku and took a small bite. Nagisa made the tea as Yuto sat down at the dining table, munching on the dessert quietly.

"This is really tasty~~". Nagisa looked up and noticed that Yuto's eyes sparkled even more than expensive diamonds. 'Shit, he's so cute. He's such a child when it comes to normal ordinary things'. The man served them tea and the one thing he noticed was that Yuto had a small smile on his face. A smile. Nagisa pet Yuto's head gently. "Hey, Yuto-kun, could you do a couple things for me?".

That smile was still on his face when he turned to look at Nagisa. "Hm? Shinji-san?". Nagisa felt his cheeks burn. He had never felt this lovely lightness when he was with anyone else. This flustered feeling that he had. "Show me more of your smile please,". Yuto realized that he was smiling. He was smiling. He hadn't smiled in forever. Yuto felt like a weight was lifted off his shoulders and Nagisa's gentle words made him smile even more. "Also from now on,"Nagisa chuckled as his fingers wiped away the small smidge chocolate from Yuto's mouth. "Please address me as Nagi. When you call me Shinji-san, I feel old,".

Cocking his head to the side, his eyes still glistened like wet rocks by the beach. Nagisa thought that he looked like a cute puppy and laughed. "There's no need to be so formal with me. After all, I'm just an old dog to you,"The man winked and Yuto's face heated up. "Don't tease me, old dog.."Yuto huffed and stuffed the remaining daifuku into his mouth but Nagisa just laughed it off. He was glad that the boy had returned back to normal.

Later that night, Yuto went to his room, clutching a brown envelope. It was full of the money that the Shinji siblings had the court give Yuto to support himself. But he didn't need it right? After all, he was already receiving an allowance from Nagisa. The man he was living with bought all the groceries for him. Yuto didn't need much anyway. The boy went to Nagisa's room with the envelope tucked under his armpit.

"Shin—Nagi?"He asked softly as he opened the door. Nagisa was sitting on his bed, changing into his pyjamas. Yuto saw his toned muscles, especially his biceps and his abs. Our shy blonde haired darling could have colour matched his cheeks to that of a tomato when he laid his eyes on them. He wasn't even wearing his glasses and his hair was swept back but messy. 'Nagi looks really.... This can't be good for me. I don't think I should have seen this..'.

Being one with the frozen prehistoric creatures in a glacier, Yuto just froze at the doorway and Nagisa seized that opportunity to tease him some more. "Should I put on my pyjamas faster or are you going to stare at every inch of my body first?". Yuto hung his head and Nagisa laughed. "There's nothing to be ashamed about. We're all built differently,". The boy covered his face with his hands. "Hurry up and put something on...."He mumbled and sunk to the floor.

In the mood to play with him, Nagisa stood up and pulled Yuto close to his bare chest. "For someone who fell asleep while cuddling me, you're still quite innocent and shy, aren't you?"He teased, Yuto's face crimson behind his splayed hands. "Old dog, its so embarrassing to talk about all this...please stop treating me like a child,"Yuto complained and almost instantly, Nagisa grabbed him by his wrists and pinned him to the bed. "You're one to talk when you've not been babied before,".

They locked eyes for a split second and Yuto tried to look away, ashamed with himself. So he did know everything. "I don't know what its like to be treated like a child..you're right,". Nagisa held him close and allowed Yuto to hide his flustered face in his chest. "Then why don't I show you?". Nagisa stroked the back of Yuto's head, soothing him. "You're too cute sometimes Yuto-chin~~"He smiled and pet his head gently. "Sometimes you're like a grouchy old man but deep down inside you're just a child who wants affection,".

With his cheeks were hot and flustered as he received more attention from Nagisa, he knew this was the most 'love' he had ever received from anyone. Nagisa praising him and petting him made him feel good. "Nagi, I've brought the money. I don't need it,". The man directed his focus to the envelope with a puzzled expression. "Eh?".

"I've been living here without rent haven't I?

Gomen ne, I should have been paying you". Nagisa threw his head back and roared in laughter. "You really are still a kid deep down inside!!". "Shut up old dog!!"Yuto yelled and pouted, crossing his arms.

A smile was on Nagisa's face. "You already cook my meals, clean the house and take care of me. You've done more than enough for me,". Nagisa embraced Yuto in his arms and nuzzled the tip of his nose into his neck. "It tickles..."He huffed softly and then he suddenly turned to Nagisa and looked at him in the eye.

"Nagi, what do you see me as?". Nagisa paused and looked at Yuto's eyes. They twinkled like a child's and it softened Nagisa's heart even further. "You know, you're the first person who's ever loved me. I mean, you're the only person who's ever protected me and given me so much. I just don't know how to thank you sometimes..."He sighed and laid down on Nagisa's bed.

It felt cosy. And it smelled like Nagisa. He smelled quite calming and refreshing, like the beach. Yuto liked how comforting it was. He began burying his face in the blankets, completely raptured in the scent.

"Your room is really cold and cramped, Yuto-kun,"Nagisa chuckled and put on his shirt as he looked at the sleepy 19 year old. The boy slowly sat up, ready to leave the room. "I think I should sleep in my own room anyway.."He yawned and stood up but Nagisa yanked him and hugged his waist. "Come on, sleep with me~ My bed is big enough~"The man whined as Yuto rubbed his bleary eyes.

"You're 35 years old, Nagi. You should be fine sleeping alone.."He groaned but the grip around his waist tightened. "Please~ My room just feels so empty,"Nagisa begged and Yuto sighed but ruffled the man's messy hair gently. "Alright, Nagi,". Somehow, he could never say no to Nagisa.

Yuto held Nagisa close to him that night. The man's bed was big enough for both of them. He caressed his hair tenderly as he felt Nagisa snuggle into his small chest. 'He's going to protect me with his life, huh? I guess I mean a lot to him'. Nagisa embraced Yuto's body tightly, his arms around his waist. The boy blushed and cupped Nagisa's cheek gently.

'He's such a good looking adult, he doesn't even notice. God, I can't possibly be falling for this man'. Yuto groaned to himself but then the more he looked at Nagisa's sleeping face, the more the hard shell around his heart peeled away.

'Then again, I'm a child who's never experienced love. What do I know anyway? Falling in this kind of love with someone as nice as Nagi....it can't all be bad'. Yuto thought to himself as he cuddled the man he was slowly growing to love in his arms that night. Specifically that night, he slept with a small smile plastered on his face.

_φ(･ω･ Author's Note

At least Yuto is safe and sound now. Or is he? Let me know what you think in the comments! Voting is also appreciated! Thank you for reading this chapter of A Heart To Heal! ♡