Seven - Kageyama's POV

When I was having the lowest time of my life. I left him. Black and blue with my words.

I left him with words I didn't mean to say. I should be the happiest when he went to my place when I told him that I'm having a match in Brazil. I should be the happiest when he told me how much he improved himself for just a year. I should be the first one to feel happy that he's catching up with me. But seeing him all happy on how far he can fly alone now, frustrates me. It made me useless.

The feelings I had way back then whenever some setter of other school invites him out or coincidentally met him lingers back to me. But this time, he feeling is a bit more hateful. I feel so disgusted with myself for having this hateful feelings.

It was like that one time in high school where I don't want him to open his eyes that made us not talk for a week. Or I think it was more intense? As if I wanted to totally cut off his wings so he won't leave my side. So he won't soar higher alone. So he won't learn to fight without me.

Having these disturbing thoughts scared me. I never knew how possessive I am after having those thoughts that will probably make him hate me. That's why those words left my mouth instead, even before I could stop myself. I was too scared that he will hate me if I told him what I really have in my mind.

After saying those words, I thought he will just shrug it off like before. But I was mistaken. He just accepted it without a fight like before. He didn't even chase me when I bid goodbye.

I waited for him to knock on my door. I waited until it's time to go back in Japan. I waited. But all I received was a notification on my Instagram tagged by Oikawa san, a picture of Shoyo having fun with Kenma and some unknown guys in a bar in Brazil. I wouldn't really mind if it wasn't the same shirt he was wearing when we met. It infuriates me.

I called and confronted Kenma about that picture but he just laugh at me and told me that I have nothing to do with his Shoyo anymore that Shoyo doesn't need someone like me in his life. His words ticked me off but what makes me angrier is the fact that Shoyo trusted him so much to the point that he told him about our break up right away.

And because of my damn pride, I totally cut off our communication. I didn't reach out to him, I never did. But I did not dare to unfollow him in any of our social medias. It's not that I can't, I just won't. A part of me won't let go of him just like that.

Shoyo is the first one to confess his feelings but it was me who fell in love first. I'm not gay. I admire girls before I met him. But since our middle school match, I have my eyes on him already. During our match with them, when he managed to hit that missed toss, he already made me marked him.

I remembered in one of my subjects back in middle school where they said that we have this fight or flight response, a person's psychological response to stress, that moment is comparable to it because for me it was the alarm reaction stage.

Knowing his existence, triggers it. Every time I remember him, my heart rate increase, boosting my adrenaline increasing my energy. The feelings I have whenever I think about him is the same as the feelings I have every time we have a volleyball match.

When we both went to Karasuno in High school, these curiosity, these unexplainable feelings I have for him significantly blooms into something else. Something more dominating. A feeling that I thought I'll never have.

I still remember how he makes me feel better in every words he say regardless if it's with sense or not. Just knowing that he will always be there for my tosses, I feel calmed and secure. The feeling I had back in middle school where my team mates deliberately did not hit my toss, it vanished the moment he called my name and told me those words, "I'm here."

Shoyo is the one who made me 'The new king of the court'. He is the one who fixed my crippled wings. That's why when he confessed, it was euphoric to the point that I could still remember his flushed cheeks after confessing his love for me out of the blue. I could still remember how my head and heart run in turmoil because of his sudden confession that all I could say was a simple 'okay, let's date' when all I want to tell him is that I love him too.

I could still vividly remember the first time I held him. His soft moans every time I planted soft kisses to his naked body. I still remember how he cried in ecstacy every time I thrust inside him rapidly. And his words of love whenever we come together. It's still clear in my mind.

We always fight. About volleyball, about him wanting to learn how to fight alone, and about the other guys trying to get close to him, other guys touching him casually or even guys who casually calls him by his name publicly when I could only call him by that when there's only the two of us.

I tend to get jealous easily that's why I always have this urge to lock him up so others won't see or touch him. That was the resistance stage, where I keep on resisting this urge to lock him up, to cut off his wings so he couldn't fly on his own.

Every time that I feel that itching urge to lock him up, I always try to break up with him. Why? I know it's wrong but it was the only way for me to know if he still loves me even if I'm this fucked up. But never once that he let me go.

I'm a selfish bastard, I know. Just like what Tsukishima told me before when I learned about Shoyo wanting to go in Brazil to train after we graduate in High School and I got mad about it although Shoyo doesn't have any idea that it was because of that matter, only Tsukishima knows about it.

Tsukishima clearly told me how selfish I am for not letting Shoyo fly on his own. But what can I do? I just love him so much that it's hard for me to part with him. I want only him by my side. I don't want us to part. But seeing how dedicated he is on learning how to fight alone, I gave in and tried to let him do what he wants with a smile. It's just two years, just like he said. We won't break up just because of that.

It's what I thought but...

"I saw the great king and we played beach volleyball with the locals here. We lost but it was fun! We're planning to get our revenge next time!" Shoyo narrate with excitement when I asked him about the picture of him and Oikawa-san together.

My heart tightened on how happy he is even without me. It's suffocating. It's starting again, this hateful feelings I have is starting to flow once again but unlike when we're still together, there's no way to stop this overflowing jealousy of mine. Because he's not with me to assure that I'm the only one for him. I can't even see him. I can only hear his voice. And it's so damn frustrating.

"If you're that happy to be with him, why don't you just date him!" I said coldly that made him stopped blabbering about how bad Oikawa-san is in beach volleyball on the other line.

"Why should I date him when I'm dating you?" He said calmly not even aware of my raging jealousy.

"Then why don't we just break up so you can freely date him or whoever it is you want to date?" I want to punch myself for this hateful words coming out from my mouth but I can't stop. It's hard to stop.

"I'm sorry okay? It's just that, I feel so homesick and seeing Oikawa-san, no I mean, a friend here in Brazil makes me feel better. It's you that I love. You're the only one for me. Isn't that enough reason for you to stay, Tobio? I don't want to break up." He said in a trembling voice that really makes me loathe myself. I didn't mean to make him cry it's my fault. For being this jealous. For being selfish. For being insecure.

"Stop crying. We... No, I won't break up with you. Just stop crying you dumbass. Just stop blabbering stupid things like Oikawa-san is great. I don't give a damn about it. Take care." I love you.

For the nth time, I got scared to tell him those three words that I've been containing to myself. We've been dating for the past four years but Shoyo never demanded or even asked me if I do love him. It feels like he's already contented on being with me. And I feel okay about that. Because I still don't know how to tell him what I really feel even after four years of dating.

Everything goes well after that but then because of our schedules, we barely have time for each other. We still send daily messages but our calls eventually got lesser.

I missed him. A year of not seeing him or touching him drives me crazy. So much that I almost jump in happiness when I learned that we're going to have a match in Brazil. I told him about it and we planned to meet right away when I arrive there.

But what he didn't know is that I've booked a flight a day earlier, because I wanted to surprise him. I already planned to tell him I love him when we see each other again. The ring that I've been wanting to give to him before he left, I brought it with me.

I already planned everything perfectly. But every thing shatters when I saw him with his Brazilian friends, casually hanging their arms around his shoulder, when I saw him laughing so happily, when I saw him fly high without me, I lost it. I gets intoxicated with the jealousy with the rage inside me upon seeing him okay without me. And that was my exhaustion stage.

I got exhausted with my own jealousy and I loathe myself for being this possessive, for being insecure, for being so afraid on losing him.

The night that we're supposed to be happy, was the night that Shoyo finally let go of me.

"Being with you is suffocating. It's like my wings will get clipped any moment because of your existence." I coldly told him when we met outside my hotel.

He has a painful look on his face when I looked at him but I remained distant and cold. I want to know if he's still the same Shoyo. If he's still mine. I know it's wrong to test his feelings for me but it's the only way I know for me to erase these negative thoughts.

"Let's break up, Hinata."

Shoyo remained silent before heaving a sigh while looking up to suppress his tears. I was expecting him to tell me that he doesn't want us to break up but I was slapped with a harsh reality.

"Thank you...for the past four years Kageyama. And I'm sorry for taking this long to let go of you. I wish you all the best." That was his exact words so even before my tears fell, I bid my goodbye and left him.

It was so painful. And still painful until now that it's been a year since we last met, since we broke up. Memories of him haunts me every night.

I thought that Shoyo won't forget me easily. But just seeing him with somebody else, really crushed my heart. Seeing him posting pictures on his social media how happy he is with Atsumu Miya, the man who vows that someday he will toss to him, the sight of the two of them kills me.

And that's how I throw away my pride and call the person I didn't know I will ask for advise during this time too.