Chapter Five:

I couldn't stand them at all. In that particular moment I hated them. Well, not all of them... Just mom, dad... and Jake.

And how dare he interrupt the conversation! I was so mad... I'm still mad at him for that. God, I can't believe it's possible to love and hate someone at the same time. Love? I don't know.

Everything is so twisted and messed up from the very beginning. I hate this, I'm sick of this and it's so suffocating feeling so lost. Being neglected from our parents is making me so angry, being heart broken from your one and only crush sucks. Don't get me wrong, Brandon and I like each other. Or at least I tell myself that and I'm forcing myself to feel something for him.

When I got to California I was so lost in my thoughts and so disorientated. He was the only person that helped me in that hard moment to put some kind of order in my messed up life. And dating him? I don't know. I'm confused about that. I know how he feels about me and I don't want to hurt him, but to be honest I don't like him the way you should like a boyfriend. I just need him, because if I lose him I'll lose everything I put back on it's place in my head. I'm afraid of what'd come after an alleged break up.

"You okay, kiddo?" Roberto's voice broke the silence. "You're crying."

I touch my face and find it soaked in my own tears. I was so lost in my thoughts that I didn't realize I was crying.

"I'm okay." I mumbled another lie and took a napkin from my bag and blew my nose in it. Recently it got so easily to lie without the others noticing.

"You know? You're stronger than you think." he said and stood beside me, propping himself on the front hood of the black Bentley.

Was I that strong? I don't know. I don't feel strong at all. Recently all I felt was weakness, misunderstanding, neglectance.

"Tell that to all of them who think the opposite thing. They all think I'm broken."

"You're not broken, kid. They are just worried about you. They are afraid of losing you."

Were they? When were they ever? They just love making me feel fucked up. First was when mom and dad fucked us all up the moment when they signed the divorce papers and started fighting, the second thing was the accident. That broke me completely.

"I'm gonna go buy cigarettes. Are you okay all by yourself here?" Roberto asked with concern.

"I'm good." I mumbled and waved my hand at him in a manner of sending him away.

"There's a blanket in the trunk." Was all he said before walking away.

Ever since I started running away from home, I ended up on the beach at a certain spot - the only place our parents took us and pretended everything was okay for a few hours. It was a happy place once, when we were little kids, but now I look at it from a different point of view and realize the truth - it is soaked with sorrow. Mine and everyone elses.

I look at the dark sky that is illuminated by billions of shining stars. I hear the waves of the ocean splashing in such harmony. It's the only sound distracting me from my thoughts.

But one thought doesn't leave my mind and is making a cottage in it - why do toxic people refuse to leave us be? Why did he stayed? Wait, I know that one, he's like a gum stucked to your shoe. But how dare he opens his mouth and talk to me that way and most of all, telling me to calm down?! Who the fuck does he think he is?! I can't believe there's a majority of idiots like him out there who poison people's lives with shit like that!

"Calm down." I mimic outloud him in a tiny annoying voice. "I am calm. Maybe you should shut the hell up." I am calm. I am the most fucking calm creature in the whole wide world. "Stupid piece of shit." I spat in anger and slammed with all my strength the door of the trunk. I carry the blanket to the beach, put it on the sand and sit on it.

"Fucking hell." I curse under my nose and groan in frustration.

In this exact moment I feel like the angriest person in the world. God, if I could slap the living light out of him, I would and it would be the best fucking thing ever.

I remember that time around my 15th birthday when I ran away from home and came here at the beach and hid from everyone. Jake found me here. He just sat beside me for a while staring at the waves... And it's like he felt it when was the right moment to tell me 'let's get you home'. He always said it the second I reached inner peace.

After the first time I hid here, I did it again and again, and again, and he found me again, and again and again. He was so fake sweet to me, pretending to be so caring, until the second I saw him cheating on me with his stupid bitchy ex.

It makes me so mad knowing I was that blind and let it happen. How could I buy his bull-shit?! How could I be so blind trusting someone? That's why I took my time in Los Angeles and recovered from him. I built those walls around me and swore to never trust anyone like that ever again.

"I always find you here." his voice boomed from behind me and I felt the vibrations of his presence. That voice that sent shivers through my whole body and blurred my mind with desire.

If I wanted to survive I had to fight the desire of wanting him, needing him. I'll never forget the good memories, but those bad moments are what taught me tif strength. I learned to fight the biggest pain.

"Derek's friend." I found the strength in me and open my mouth, talking to him with my coldest voice.

"Derek's friend? Is this how you call me after three years?" he asked and sat down next to me. With my peripheral vision I could see him looking at me.

"I guess you're my brother's bitch then. Are you letting him fuck you? I asked with a mocking voice. To be quite honest, he deserves it.

"Ouch! That hurts, baby doll." I bet it hurts to be fucked in the ass. But baby doll... That's what made me lose my breath.

In this moment I wanted to cry so bad, but I couldn't let him see me hurt. How can I have feelings for him after everything he put me through?!

"Why did you leave like that?" he asked me with calm voice. Well, straight to the question I see.

"I couldn't deal with my mom." I replied casually like I was brushing something off of my shoulder.

"I'm not asking about that. I'm asking about why did you leave like that three years ago?" he sounded demanding, but I couldn't give him the satisfaction of exposing my heart to him.

So I finally turn my head and look at him. I lose my breath the second our gazes meet. He looks at me with such warmth, desire and in the same time pain. One thing I learned in my life is that eyes never lie. And right now the sparkles in his eyes are making my heart hear madly.

"Ever since your brother told me you're coming back I couldn't sleep." he was taking deep breaths, staring at me with desirein his eyes. But I couldn't buy that shit again. Not after seeing him with someone else.

"Oh-kay." I mumbled, pressed my lips into a firm line and looked around the empty beach. I mean, honestly, what am I supposed to say to that? "I'm sorry, but I didn't get your name." that's when the warmth in his eyes died and was replaced with coldness.

"Is this how much California got inside your head?" his words sounded like he was blaming me. Me?! Of all people he was blaming me!

"Wow, I get why you're friends with my brother. Both of you are assholes."

"Oh, really sweetheart?! I'm the asshole? You ran away to Cali, you told me to fuck off three years ago and you know what? After three years I still love you!" he yelled the last part.

Love me? I was so close of telling him the truth about caughting him with his supposed ex cheating, but decided to play the role of the girl who lost her memory. "I come here and find you on this place, like every God damn other time I used to find you here. I talkes to you, I listened to you, I took your pain and made it mine, and the only thing you did was leave me! Why?"

"I don't know who you are, but you're scaring me." I continued. I couldn't fall into this trap again.

"So you're gonna act like there's nothing between us?" he asked hurt. "I don't believe you for a second." his voice sounded so low, seductive and sent shivers down my chest that ended up between my legs.

He never made me feel this way before. Just looking at him is enough to make me want him. That desire he ignited in me is so hypnotizing, it made me forget who I am.

"I'm gonna make you forget about you're stupid boyfriend." he said with a husky voice and leaned his head down.

His lips were inches away from mine when I slapped him in the face. Is this how much I cost?! A few good words, a kiss and everything is okay and I forget about his cheating like it was nothing?!

"Get the hell away from me!" I cried out with tears in my eyes.

He was the reason for my tears, he was the reason I got hurt, he betrayed my trust in him. What did he expect to happen?

"I never thought you'll turn into a such a bitch." Jake said with disgust. "I don't know what made you leave three years ago, but it was so low of you."

That's so low of Me?! He cheated! He cheated and I left him! It was the logical thing to do. And he's mad about it?!

"Get the hell away from me!" I screamed and pushed him with my hands.

I was so mad at him for what he did to me, but it turned out I just wasted ny energy on negative emotions. He's not worth it. He was never worth it. Guys like him care only about themselves.

I raised on my feet and pushed him again, only this time he didn't even lose his balance. Jake stood before me, staring at me with lust.

"You know? It makes me want you even more." stupid fuck boys

Then he grabbed me and pulled me to his chest. I tried to push him off of me, but the more I fought, the more he held me tighter. And he slammed his lips on mine, kissing me gently and passionately. This kiss was full of desire and love, but I couldn't get myself get hurt again.

So the only logical thing to do was to bite him. And I did it and slapped him even harder. Jake pulled away and rubbed his lips where I bit him and I saw a track of blood.

"You can't push me away for foverev, baby doll." and he walked away.

Was I that cheap to him? Wasn't I worth a thing so he could play with me the way he wanted? I wasn't made of clay and I wasn't heartless or some kind of cheap whore he could play with. No matter his kiss made me feel warmth and butterflies in the pit of my stomach, I couldn't let him rip off my heart and step on it. Not again. Once was enough.

I loved him... I love him... I still do. But I can't let myself fall into this trap. I don't want to waste my time on something that's going to poison me.

Only to find out later that he wasn't going to give up that easily...