chapter eight

"hanbyeol, let's go out." jimin said, standing next to me as his eyes drifted to the books and papers that were scattered on my table. "i heard your dad on the phone, he won't be back until saturday. you have two days to go and have fun." he exclaimed.

i looked at him, "where do you want to go?" i asked him, his eyes then gleamed with happiness.

"wait, that means you're agreeing with me? that means we're really gonna go out, right?" he asked, his eyes widening as he clasped his hands together.

i nodded and let out a chuckle, "let's go and do whatever you want, jimin." i smiled.

"well, i've been thinking to go to the park that we always go to. you need some fresh air and i know you won't be in peace if we go too far." he said before heading to my closet and picking out my clothes for me.

i smiled, looking at the giddy boy who was choosing between the neutral clothes that i had. i noticed the frown on his face when he couldn't seem to find the perfect clothes for me.

he glanced at me, reaching out my only pink-colored shirt. he smiled as if thinking of how i would look in it, "you'll look like a girl if you wear this." he said before letting out a soft chuckle.

"i don't really like wearing bright clothes, i'm good with a white shirt and some pants." i told him, grabbing the pink shirt from his hands and placing it back to its place.

"but you always wear a white shirt or a black. i want to see you wear something a bit more lively and girly today." he pouted before grabbing the pink shirt and shoving it into my arms.

"jimin, i don't look good in bright clothes." i said and for the second time placed back the pink shirt back to the closet, "and besides, isn't being comfortable the most important thing when choosing clothes?"

"well, i just thought you could use some brightness. if you really don't want it then i won't push you do it and hanbyeol, you'll look good in anything you wear." he patted my head gently before finally placing a white shirt in my hands.

i took it and grabbed some pants as well before heading to the bathroom to change.

i got out of my room and looked at myself in the mirror before brushing my hair and grabbing my phone.

"are you ready?" jimin asked, suddenly appearing out of nowhere.

i nodded and both of us went to the park which was only a couple of walks away from my house.

"see, it's good to go out once in a while. the fresh air can help relieve your stress and you can see kids play around." jimin gleamed with joy as he took a seat next to me on the bench.

"you really like being outdoors, don't you?" i asked him and he nodded in response, a smile never leaving his face. "i never liked going out, never really enjoyed being outside and socializing with other people." i said.

we both sat in silence, my eyes drifiting to the kids who were immersed in the slides and swings. all had smiles imprinted on their faces, innocence still there.

i wish i was like them before, i thought. maybe i could've appreciated life more if i enjoyed my childhood like them.

maybe if i got to hang out with my friends or even just a stroll around the park with my brothers, i wouldn't hate my life this much.

"what's your dream in life, hanbyeol?" jimin asked me, snapping me out of my thoughts.

his eyes were filled with curiosity and somewhat a bit of pity. it was as if he could see right through me.

"i don't really know, i've been following my dad ever since that i never thought of thinking of what i really want to be." i answered, my voice coming out as a whisper.

"what did you dreamt of becoming when you were a kid? a doctor? engineer?" he tried to pry the answer out of me, insisting that i could have at least thought of one job i had wanted to have back.

"i just never see myself in anything, i try to imagine my self as a doctor but i can't. it's like i'm just made to become a disappoint to the family." i told him.

"hey, just because you couldn't see yourself as anything doesn't mean you're worthless." jimin said, his hand landing on top of mine.

"sometimes i think dad's right, i'm nothing if not because of him. even if i want to become my own self, there's nothing good that would come out of it." i let out a chuckle, biting my lips as i tried to hide my pain.

"and what, let him take control of you? hanbyeol, your life is yours. your decisions are yours to make, just because he's your dad doesn't mean he has the right to make you into his puppet." he looked at me straight into my eyes.

"you have to stop giving me hope, jimin. stop trying to make me think that maybe i can get out of this mess because both you and i know that there's no end to this." i took my hand away, moving further away from him.

he sighed, running his hand through his hair.

"you won't get out of this mess unless you help yourself. you are hurting yourself, have you ever thought that for all the times that you could've stood up for yourself, you couldn't because you're a coward." jimin spat out, having a look of regret when he finally realized the words that came out of his mouth.

"maybe i am a coward, maybe i am really the one hurting myself and not just dad." i spoke, tears on the edge of my eyes.

i felt a lump on my throat, my hands were cletched into fists and my vision begins to get blurry from the tears that were threatening to fall any minute.

"i didn't mean it that way, you know that i don't mean that. hanbyeol, please look at me." jimin's voice was soft, "i'm stupid, i'm sorry."

his hands found its way to my cheeks, tilting my head so that i could face him. i looked away, knowing that once i meet his eyes, my emotions will pour out and i'll end up breaking down again.

"jimin, you said to not do any stupid things with you when we're outside, let me go." i flinched away from his touch, blinking away the tears.

"fine, just listen to me." he took a deep breathe before speaking, "you're not a coward, that isn't what i exactly meant. i just wanted to point out that maybe if you help yourself just like how your brothers and taehyung are trying to do, you'd learn to realize your worth. you let him hurt you, you let him call you names when you know that he shouldn't. he's your father, i get that, but his authority over you doesn't give him the right to hurt you physically and emotionally." he stopped, moving an inch closer to me.

"jimin, you know that things would just get harder if i rebel against him." i sighed, not knowing what else to say.

"i'm not saying that you should rebel against him, just show him that you're his daughter and not his puppet. the only reason he has the courage to hurt you and control you is because he knows you're afraid and scared of him." jimin said.

my phone buzzed and then i saw hyunjun texted me, asking where i went and when will i be back home.

i quickly replied back, reassuring him that i was fine and i was just at the park. both of us stayed silent, maybe it was because we were scared that the next words we might say to each to other might just build a wall between us.

"taehyung likes you, i noticed how his eyes would sparkle when he looks at you and how he keeps on stealing glances at you when you guys are in class." jimin half-smiled, letting out a small laugh.

"are you literally watching me the whole day?" i asked him, my eyebrows furrowed and curiosity filling my voice.

"just from time to time when i'm bored waiting for you. hey, don't avoid the topic." he stopped and frowned, "i said taehyung likes you, how about you?" he asked.

my mind then drifted to taehyung, the guy who never stopped trying to befriend me. the guy who always volunteered to sit with me when no one elses wants to. the one who tries his best to understand me when all i've done was push him out of my life.

"he's nice and all but i'm still not sure of what i feel about him. besides, we just started talking for real this semester and he always have those sparkly eyes." i told him.

"i'm a guy, i know when a guy is interested with girls. and believe me when i tell you that taehyung has deeply fallen for you, young lady." he pinched my cheeks, laughing afterwards. "cute."

"let's go home, i want to finish all my assignments." i stood up from my seat, finally realizing that our hands were intertwined all this time.

i tried to pry my hand away but jimin just tightened his hold, "i like holding your hand, it's smaller than mine." he smiled, his eyes meeting mine.

heat rushed to my cheeks, "if you're just doing this to comfort me, you can let go of me now since i'm already fine." i turned to look away.

"i'm not just holding your hand to comfort you though. like i said, i like holding your hand." he stood up from his seat, keeping his hand in mine.

his thumb began caressing my hand, drawing circles in it as he smiled at me. having enough of the awkward silence, i started walking with jimin next to me.

"people might find it weird that you're clutching your hand in the air." he finally let go but only to move closer to me, his hand still grazing mine as we walked.

since when was he like this?

we got home and went straight to my room, jimin then said that he would go and walked outside, i just nodded in response.

i got straight to my assignments, heaving a sigh of relief when i finally finished all. i decided to head to hyunjun's room afterwards.

"what's with the red cheeks? are you like inlove or something?" i covered my cheeks with my hands but hyunjun pointed to my ears which made it worse, "go cover you ears as well, it's red." he laughed.

"stop annoying me already, i came here to talk but then i guess when it comes to these kind of things, i prefer seojun." i told him before sitting on his bed.

"i'm your favorite brother, go on and tell me what's wrong." he turned his swivel chair and faced me, plastering a smile on his face.

"what do you think of me? do you think that someone can actually like me?" i asked him, pursing my lips when i realized it didn't come out as how i wanted it to be.

i expected for hyunjun to laugh but all he did was flash a teasing smile at me, "well i mean i'm your brother so that means you're like a female version of me and everyone likes me." he sat next to me.

"okay, i'm heading to seojun now." i rolled my eyes but hyunjun grabbed me by my shoulders and pushed me back down.

"i think you have everything that a guy would like in a girl, well not exactly everything but still you're pretty in your own way. wow, that's something seojun would say." he shuddered at the mention of seojun, "what i'm meaning to say is, of course someone would like you. you're literally perfect and who wouldn't want to have someone like you in their life?" he smiled, messing my hair.

"you're sugar-coating your words, aren't you? answer me honestly, i won't complain." i told him.

he sighed, "you're just you and that makes you pretty. you don't need to ask me what i think about you because c'mon you know what my answer would be and i'll repeat it again, you're perfect and pretty in your own way." he nodded, agreeing to himself.

"why are you discussing things without me?" seojun came into the room, wearing a frown as he walked towards us.

"you came at the right moment." hyunjun stood up and slung his arm on seojun, "our little sister is asking what i think about her and if someone would like her, go and tell her your thoughts because she won't believe me." he said.

i looked at seojun with eyes full of hope and curiousity, "you're one of a kind and what kind of question is that, of course someone would like you. who made you think of that? i didn't shower you with love only for you to think of those kind of thoughts." he furrowed his eyebrows.

"i was just curious, thank you for your cooperation and i'll be heading back to my room now." i stood up, smiling and waving goodbye at them before exiting the room.

half of my mind thinks that my brother was just saying those because they were obligated to but half of my mind believes it as well.

if only i could ask one more boy, maybe i could build up my thoughts.

i came into my room and the first thing that greeted me was jimin sitting on my bed, a smile on his face as he waved his hand at my direction.

"you're really pretty so don't doubt yourself." he said, his smile wider than ever.

and before i knew it, i found myself smiling back.