Chapter Eleven : Maintain The Elusion

The power of the mind and its ability to retrospect has always been a fascination of mine as you would have noted by this point of my story. The competency of one to relive life changing moments, pause the action midway and even fast forward to the good parts.

We are able to create seemingly impossible scenarios in our head just like our own personal portable media player with files that only you alone can access. It also comes as a disappointment the mystery of how some important moments in our lives are easily forgotten lost in our endless nerve fibers.

I sometimes wonder how my world would have turned out if I possessed psychic powers of some sort, imagine having a front seat in what people were concocting in their minds all around me. All the nasty, perverted, psychotic, romantic, impossible thoughts from all kinds of people.

I sometimes wished I had such powers not because I was heroic or wanted to save the world and all that bullshit but simply just to save myself from the numerous awkward moments I managed to get myself in over the years. Atleast now I wouldn't still have the gruesome memory of my first of many let downs. I remember one Valentine's day in highschool everyone in my grade seemed to have a girlfreind as such, I found myself hovering over Natasha and her group of friends in the cafeteria. She was my childhood crush and this was going to be the start of our love story as I had already fantasised for years.

"Will you please be my valentine?" I heard myself squeal resounding all through the cafeteria. All eyes were on us, I felt the silence maniacally mock me from every corner of the room. Given my powers I would have saved my heart the public embarrassment.

Fast forward to several years later, I would have had the chance to know exactly how Anna felt about me, I would have been able to read all the mixed signals creating a constant state of confusion in my prematurely developed youngin's heart. The games we were playing were deadly but all the excitement was worth the pain and so i convinced myself to endure it all just for my 'seven minutes of heaven' with Her. She was the drug; love was the game and like a junkie i was hooked and Weirdly enough I inwardly seemed to enjoy it all.

The events of the previous night were so much like a dream to me as i woke up the next morning. At that point i had no idea what to expect from the days that followed.

Was this the beginning of that magical story i had hoped for all along? now that I had kissed Anna was everything in our lives about to change. She did not make any valuable utterance after our sizzling moment the night before and we just walked with our fingers locked in a forever bond smiling down at the earth and conversing with our inner voices. That had to mean something right?

I was so preoccupied with my thoughts that all i could master at the end of the night was a goodnight. Maybe it was from all the adrenaline pumping through my system or maybe the pheromones running wild from all the exchange of saliva on that sidewalk.

In my head i hoped for the best from what happened the night but that was just me, whatever was going on in Anna's head was a total mystery at this point. I had learnt to trust less from her heart melting smile and tender voice over my part experiences with her. Morning had come and with it gone the illusion of a late night utopia and like the coward i was i resorted to the best thing in my head.

"Good morning" i sent the text, her status bar indicated that she was online but three minutes later our chat was still a ghost town i could hear the crickets in my head. It was not a problem she was probably on a call or something, more over we were having a class together that morning, if I was lucky enough I would get to see her sitting in the front column looking breathtaking as usual.

As far as i can remember, school had always been a safe haven for me. I got to challenge myself intellectually and soak in all the knowledge from my lecturers, at a time like that was when I needed a distraction from my world and that's when school came in handy in keeping me sane.

I needed to find a way to get my mind off all the teenage drama and there was no better way to achieve this but to immerse myself it my studies, i planned to head down to the library after the Organizational Management class but first i had to meet Anna on my way out to see if she would be interested in tagging along.

I was not even sure that was the topic i was interested in discussing.

"Hey Anna!" i barely caught up with her as she was walking out the door

"Hey" and there was that intoxicating smile again.

"Are you okay?" I asked and immediately felt silly thinking to myself why she wouldn't have been fine.

"Yeah, as far as i can tell. Thanks for asking though"

"Yeah sure" i responded.

"And yourself?"

I hesitated to reply as i thought to myself; this is your moment, ask her about last night. All of a sudden my mouth becomes dry I am betrayed as i cannot get the words out of my mind.

"Yeah all good here"

"That's great" she replied. I could then tell she was expecting something else, something more from me but nothing came out.

"Am heading down to the library, you coming with?

"Nah... i have to meet up with some friends, maybe later? if you will still be there " She responded

"Yeah maybe I will see you then"

I watched as she disappeared into the crowd of chattering students moving in all directions. A part of me could not help feeling disappointed in my aptitude, i had failed myself once again and this one hurt more because I could almost see myself at finish line.

A simple question "what now" was all it could have taken to ignite a life changing conversation, it would have been intense for me but at least then i could get my answer and put my mind at ease even if it would have been not the one i was longing for.

I was willing to drag on my delusions making sure not to spook the sleeping tiger. In a way, i was letting a sleeping dog lie by not trying to confront my situation with Anna. It was all delicate and i had already been in similar instances with her a couple of times before this and the results were the same rejection over and over again with an extended side dish of the friend zone.

This time around i decided i was going to let it be, i could not afford another shattering of my heart.

I never really enjoyed the whole walk to the library; it was not the most popular building on campus, most students would even go on to graduate and maybe only once stepping into the dusty old building. I on the other hand loved the place, it was quiet, had all almost book for my studies and even when i found myself not in the mood of studying the fast Wi-Fi came in handy.

"Hey Kiddo!" I recognized the female voice calling.

It was my best friend Lily.

"Oh it's you" are the first words that escape my mouth and she quickly noticed my disappointed reaction.

"Were you expecting someone else?"

"Not really, just surprised to see you. I haven't seen you in a while" i lied.

"Well I have been around you just never text or call. Everything okay?"

"No not really it's a mess, i have been in my zone a lot" i quickly replied.

I could not lie to Lily she had always been my rock just for one, she was the one that came to my rescue after my embarrassment in the cafeteria in highschool we ended up going to the Valentine's dance together with her insistence.

"I see. Trouble in the Anna camp?" She knew me so well.

"Yap" i replied.

"Give it to me what happened this time?"

I broke down all the details about the kiss the night before and the events that led to it all making sure not to leave out any detail.

"Wow! That's a lot" i could tell from her facial expression she was astounded.

"And all this happened just last night?"

"Yap and we have not talked about it yet, what do you suppose i should do?" i asked. Seeking her opinion as my confidant and a girl.

"This is a new stage in your weird relationship but the fact still remains that she has run you down countless times and if you think you are ready to talk to her about it then by all means do it but i would recommend you just take it easy for now and see how it goes. It's not like she is going anywhere soon i believe you guys will have your chance of love in the end"

She always had the wisest sounding advice, just like the old woman on the rocking chair in the movies.

"Thanks for the advice, i just had to get the whole thing out of my head, i felt like i was going mad. Oh, this is my stop" i said as we approached the library.

"You are such a nerd you know" she made fun of my fondness for the library

"haha that's' funny tell the squad we should catch up in my room after five"

"You know what, let's do it in my room tonight. I'll get the food you just make sure you are there"

"Alright it's a plan"

"Later Tee" she shouted as i duck into the dim lit room.

In a way the library was my cocoon a place where i would retreat to whenever i felt like my world was spinning too fast.

The silence presented me with the perfect ground for meditation.