Chapter seventy-six

It's a quiet night. There don't seem to be any parties on tonight, for when my hand presses against the wall, there is no low rumbling of a beat beneath my fingertips. Instead, I brush a cold surface, I shut my eyes, letting myself trail my fingers over the plentiful miniscule dips and bumps in the wall. I imagine that my hand is cupping his face.

I almost kissed him when he tucked that strand of hair behind my ear. I had let myself go in that moment, and Harry's lips were there, parted and perfect, reeling me in. I think my eyelids were drooping, and although I hadn't moved, I found myself closer to him. I still don't remember if it was him or me who moved closer. But something seemed to have alerted Harry to attention, because he slid away slowly, cautious of how quickly; he didn't want to hurt my feelings. Because no matter how much he tries to be closer to people, it seems that it'll always be harder for him.

I drop my hand to the mattress and grip it tight. I want to know and I don't want to know what Harry went through to be so apart from everyone. I can't help longing for those times in primary school when he would smile and the whole classroom would light up.

I think of the first time we met and how nervous I was to meet him, finally, after staring at him from across the playground and from across the library. I think of this evening, clutching the ring on my finger and turning it around and around.

Turning on my side, I trace his name on the wall, shivering at the chill that meets my spine. If he was here, I'd run my fingers through his hair, and perhaps he'd feel a bit better. Harry is keeping more from me, but I'll be there for him when he decides to tell me.

A sense that I'm being watched wakes me, and when I lean over the rail of my bunk to take a look, I lock eye-contact with Lilli. Neither of us say a thing, but her eyes flash disapproval. I turn over and await for sunrise to trickle through the curtains.

As I slump beside Harry, placing my breakfast tray on the table, Ben comments: "Nice ring, Tasmin."

I bite into my croissant. "Thanks," I mutter, then turn to grin at Harry. He returns the gesture.

"You know," Ben starts with a mouthful. "I've been really impatient on this cruise."

"Why's that?" Lilli asks.

He chews loudly in response. "I'm still waiting for Harry to make a move."

Everyone freezes a little, and even I feel my spine stiffen. Ben of all people should know that Harry's sensitivity around his relationships with others is… well… sensitive. I wait for Harry to somehow laugh it off, brush it off with a somewhat nervous shrug and weary smile, but silence greets us all.

Ben continues eating like normal. "You know, on Tasmin," he adds casually. "I mean, we all know Tasmin's obvious big crush on him in Year Six." He chuckles and I feel my cheeks heat up in both embarrassment and a small burst of anger. "Harry, dude, you used to be such a party animal, you know? Always smiling." He nods at me. "You remember, don't you, Tasmin?"

I bite my lip and shrug slowly, peering at Harry momentarily. "There's nothing wrong with the way Harry is now," I say, truthfully. "We've all changed in certain ways. That's nothing to be, you know, ashamed of."

"Of course not! Harry, no offense or anything, bud, okay?"

I hear the struggle in his voice when he replies, "None taken."

Ben leans back in his seat, bringing his cup of orange juice to his lips. He chuckles. Beside him, even Emily seems somewhat uncomfortable, and usually she'd be up to seconds by now.

"I'd just like to see the ship sail, you know? As much as it is for Chilli."

It takes a moment, but I remember our first day on the cruise when we came up with those stupid but adorable ship names for each other.

The change of topic relaxes me a little, but I can see Lilli tense up.

"I won't deny, I didn't expect those sorts of moves from Charlie but –"

"God, Ben, would you shut up about that?" Charlie mutters, trying to grin.

"Ha. I don't think I could ever! The look on your faces when I caught you two –"

"Ben!" This time it's Emily.

I suddenly realise that there is a lot more to Lilli's unease than meets the eye, and Ben seems to be abusing his position as know-it-all. Perhaps he's in the mood to tease, but he's touched on so many sensitive topics that even I'm on the verge of doing something slightly insane.

"What? I'm just teasing! I'm happy for you guys, really."

Charlie scoffs, but a smile spreads over his face. "You exaggerate things so much, I wouldn't be surprised if you became a politician when you're older." Ben raises an eyebrow but laughs. "Lilli and I did nothing we weren't supposed to do." Putting an arm around her. The Lilli I know would probably push him away, but she instead wraps her arm around Charlie's middle, and grins at Ben, challenging him. Under the table, Harry takes my hand.

Ben watches us, back and forth.

"Guess our teams are decided then, huh?" he says, finally.

"Huh?" Emily exclaims.

"What teams? What for?" Lilli queries.

"Emily and I took a walk yesterday and we found an arcade room. We thought it was just old-school gaming and whatever but there's a whole laser tag arena."