Tomorrow

I spent a week orchestrating the best date I could imagine. Sage didn't like my plan. According to her, it was better to plan our first date together.

She suggested going to the new bookshop/ cafe for our first official date. She craved the hipster scenery that I wanted nothing more to make her happy.

I arrived at her place at five o'clock the next night with a bouquet. Not just rose but roses with sunflowers and carnations and Ericas drizzled in between the bunch. I hoped that she liked them. She did. The Uber dropped us off at the café and tried to maintain my cool as we walked inside. It was an upmarket place with Instagram ready decorations begging to be tagged relevantly. Despite my newly acquired knowledge about the social scene at large, I was still wildly unprepared for that café and its frequenters. Sage seemed quite at home in the establishment; as if she's been there numerous times before.

Sage was tapping her finger on the wooden table rapidly for the whole fifteen minutes it took the barista to bring us our orders. She smiled when I told her that she looked beautiful for the fourth time in the last hour. We spent the time talking about new books she had read and the latest gossip she overheard at school. I'd tell her about myself and she'd pick something I said to laugh wholeheartedly at. When I went to kiss her, she stopped me. I understood I guess. We were still new to the whole public thing. I convinced myself that she needed time to get used to the idea of us before PDA became a part of our relationship. No sooner than it took me to make peace with my decision to be patient, did Sage kiss me in a way only she knew how to do? Her kiss torn me down to my foundations and rebuild me brick by brick; all without allowing a single breath to come between us. She pulled away and left me in my trance as she smirked behind me and took her seat. I didn't dare move. I mindless traced my lips and smiled at her. She said that she was "full and ready to go back to my place". I knew what she meant. I didn't understand her to need to proclaim it so publicly, but I smiled at her regardless. Perhaps, she reserved her enthusiasm for her partner. I'd never been in a real relationship with her, so I did not complain.

With the bill settled and a tip left for our kind waiter, we were ready to leave. I made a move to help her out of her chair. She was still looking past me as I moved to stand behind her. She was staring straight ahead. Incapable of keeping my curiosity at bay, I followed her eyes too, low and behold, her ex. I paused for a moment as the last hours passed through my mind like a rapid river and the gushing memories as it eroded the banks of my perception.

Bitch!

She didn't want me. She just wanted to be seen with me. She was using me; knowing the pain she was causing me and doing it regardless. Lara was right. She doesn't deserve me and, she never did, to begin with!

"I'm so done with you," I said in a voice that scared me. It was rough and roar and drenched in hatred.

"What do you mean you're done with me?" Sage asked me in surprise. She tried to laugh it off as if I hadn't caught her in a lie.

"Exactly what I said. I'm done with you. I deserve to be loved – not used as a pawn to make your ex jealous!" I could see the tears well up in her green eyes, but I couldn't bring myself to care anymore. I needed to tell her exactly how much she was hurting me. So, I continued:" You never loved me. You only used me to make yourself feel better about the boring life you lead. And, just so you know, Lara doesn't love you. How could she love someone whose too selfish to see anyone further than the use they serve to her!" I knew I was crying too at this point.

My voice was steady as I spoke but everything inside me was burning to scream at her. I wanted her to feel every ounce of pain than she made me endure - that she inflicted. I wanted my scream to pierce where her heart should be and slowly tear her flesh apart. I wanted the guilt to seep into the open wounds and paralyse her with a pain that no modern language was equipped to describe. I just wanted her to realise that I was a person, who loved her, and that she hurt me. I wanted too much.

I was an idiot. I wondered if Lara ever got bored of always being proved right. Probably.

I looked once more in Lara's direction. Her smile spoke volumes. She was proud of me. I was proud of me too. I deserved more than someone who put me last at every opportunity. I looked at her and offered her a sad smile. She nodded her head. I looked at my ex-girlfriend once more before turning and leaving the cafe.

--

Three weeks and not a single word passed from me to her. She had tried to call, text, and confront me but to no avail. I was done with her and she needed to get that through her head.

I expected myself to return to my previous routine of avoiding my friends by busying myself with before school, break time and after school activities. I didn't. Instead, I started to genuinely get to know the other members of the clubs and teams I was now a part of. They noticed me and listened when I spoke. I did the same for them. It felt good to be a part of a team.

There were moments throughout the weeks when I felt alone amidst the crowd. I would miss Sage and my former friends and the comfort pretending to matter to them brought me. But I was longing for something that was never real. I hated them for making me feel unworthy of their love. I felt like I'd have to change everything about myself to warrant their attention. That might still not be enough. That did matter, though. I had a new life without them and for the first time in my life, I had an actual best friend. Granted, Lara was still a ruthlessly honest a-hole most days of the week, but I had come to love that about her. I always knew where I stood with her.

"I take it you're not going back to the table anytime soon." There's the arrogance. The arrogance to pose a question as a statement because she never considered that she might be wrong. She knew me too well.

"I never had any business sitting there, to begin with," I said, smiling up at her. She gave me an impressed look and sat beside me on our pavilion.

"I see you stopped being an idiot," she smirked, "I also see you've gotten more popular since we last spoke."

I looked at her and shrugged.

"Don't tell me it isn't what you wanted."

"I'm not going to lie; it beats being a ghost in my school, but I never wanted popularity. All I ever wanted was a real friend," I bumped her shoulder as I spoke. She chuckled and shook her head.

"I hope you don't mean me," she said with fake surprise. We shared a laugh.

"Thank, Lara. You might be an asshole sometimes, but I don't think I'd know how to be me if I hadn't met you… so thanks." I spoke earnestly and squeezed her shoulder. She offered me a small smile and nod her head.

She was silent for a moment, deep in thought.

"You asked me before why I was helping you and I told you that you reminded me of someone I used to know. The truth is that reminds me of myself. I used to be invisible and lonely and I hated everyone. The truth is I hated myself. I still do sometimes. I know everything about me exudes greatness," she said with a cheeky smile, I snorted, before she continued, "I guess I've always been so good at getting people to like me I never needed to like myself. People are easy to manipulate sometimes but that doesn't mean they see you. Having Psychiatrists for parents teaches you that if nothing else. But I don't want to be fawned at or studied, I want to be understood. So maybe... just maybe… I need you just as much as you needed me. I want what you want. I want to be seen and loved and to feel like I matter to someone. We are just at different parts of our journey. That's okay, maybe we can help each other out with staying on the right path."

I was honestly in awe of Lara and her strength. In many ways, she was only now becoming a human in my eyes. I had been looking up to her so long that sometimes I forgot that she was still standing on a pedestal. She jumped off on her own, thankfully and now we were seated side by side.

I hugged her. I gave her a moment to relax into the hug before pulling away.

"It doesn't mean I like you, but I do trust you so yeah maybe we can help each other. Common goals and all that." I said with a smirk

We smiled at each other and walked off in different directions towards our respective classes.

---

Knock

Knock!

Knock!!

Knoc--

"What the hell are you do... Sage?"

I looked at the red, wet eyes of my ex-girlfriend and unyielding guilt and a strong desire to help her. Never one to fight my hero complex, I pulled her into my flat and shut the door behind her.

She was shaking and heaving with tearless sobs wracking her body at every breath. She shocks violently as I took her into my arms and all but carried her to my room, careful not to wake up my mother and sister if her loud knocking hadn't already done that.

I knew better than to talk when she was like this. I had felt these shakes enough times to know what to do. I had a step by step protocol for situations like these, but the thing is... I had never felt them be this violent and painfully pronounced as they were right now.

I held her for an hour before she calmed down enough for me to start to ask her what was going on.

"What happened, Sage?"

She looked at me with heart-breaking vulnerability pouring out of her eyes. She pulled me impossibly closer to herself and hid her face in my neck before releasing broken breaths in rapid-fire as I gently soothed herself to a calmer state. She pulled away and I could see the explanation pooling at her tongue.

"I hate when you call me Sage!" She sounded so enraged but at the same time, she sounded distraught as she spoke.

"Why? It'd your name?" I tried to lighten the mood. I failed.

"You never call me Sage. I'm always 'sweetheart or 'darling'. You only call people you don't care about by their names. I hate that you call me by my name now."

Oh.

"You are my best friend. were. Now I have no one." She was crying again. I held her tighter.

"I'm sorry that I hurt you. I didn't mean to hurt you, but I just wasn't thinking."

"You were thinking. You just weren't thinking about me. I get it. You wanted to make her jealous, why you chose me to do it is beyond me, but I get it."

"You are the only person who I have ever loved, Sage, its hurt to find out that I didn't, would never, mean the same to you. That's okay, though. I won't force you to love me. That would be selfish and everything that loves isn't." I said in a voice that was laced in acceptance.

"I'm so... so sorry."

"I know," I said gently and put my hand on top of hers.

"It hurt to find that out, but I needed to feel that so in a way I'm kinda grateful that you did it. It opened my eyes to the truth. I deserve more ... and so do you."

she looked at me with shock.

"I deserve more than what?" She asked me as if the notion that she was worthy of more was foreign to her.

"You deserve to be with someone who loves you completely." She looked up at me with a broken heart reflected in her eyes.

"You love me." I smiled at her softly and kissed her forehead.

"I do. But you don't love me."

She looked away with a sad look and sunk shoulders.

"It's okay. We are both still learning how to live life and a big part of that it seems is learning how to move past heartbreak. Someone smarter than both of us told me that we need to 'stop being stupid' and to 'love yourself enough to prioritise yourself'. You need to realise that you're worthy of your love. After that, you can work on letting others love you too. We both need to do that."

I kissed the crown of her head and continued, "Just take some time to yourself. Before long, you'll see the amazing person I see when I love at you" She openly cried now and nuzzled further into my arms.

"That's easier to say than it is to do," she admitted in a whisper.

"True. It's going to be difficult but it's worth it. You need to do this not for yourself. I love you. I don't think that's ever going to change but you need to love yourself more than I could. I think that's a good start."

"Thanks, Tay. When'd you get so wise?" I laughed at her obvious sarcasm. I shrugged and laughed again. I knew that we would be friends for a long time and just like with my other new "life coach"

Friendship, like love, is not easy. But, sometimes, true love needs to take the back seat and let friendship ride shotgun. Because love may be the end game for most, it's your friends that will make that journey worthwhile.

For the first time, I felt at peace in myself. I was a work in progress, but I knew, at that moment, that I had everything I needed to create the best life possible. I wasn't alone. Life was never meant to be lived alone. It's a team sport after all.