Chapter 26: It's not Love
It was one of the unforgettable afternoons she had. Soon as their school bell rang loud and clear, the students from the first grade started to fall in line as instructed by their teacher.
This little girl kept on fidgeting. She can't wait to go home as she kept staring at the star badges pinned on her uniform.
One, two, three...
She got more than five today! And she can't wait to show these to her parents. Soon as they got to the school gate, the little girl ran as fast as she can with her short small legs.
"Good afternoon, Yana!" Greeted by the old lady from the store.
"Good afternoon, Mrs. Flores!" She greeted back and continued running.
"Watch where you're going, be careful." The old lady reminded.
She just waved her hand as she crossed the street.
'Almost there!' She thought and turned to her left side.
From there, she opened the small blue gate and almost forgot to close it in such excitement.
"Mom! Dad! I've got a surprise!" She exclaimed soon as she opened the door.
She saw a man's figure going down the stairs while carrying a suitcase. He's wearing polo and pants, seems like he's going somewhere.
Despite these things, this little girl rushed towards the man.
"Dad, look! I've got a--" she paused when the man walked passed through her and ignored her presence.
He walked towards the door with his head down.
"Dad? Dad, where are you going?" She asked but he didn't respond.
He didn't even look back. He kept on walking until he opened the door.
"Dad--!" She was about to stop him when her mother held her shoulder.
"Mom?" She glanced at the woman behind her, "Mom, we've got to stop dad! Where is he going?"
"Yana, listen to me..." Her mother said with a painful expression, "Your father... he won't be coming back. You won't be able to see him again..." Her eyes began to water as she tries not to cry in front of her child.
The girl, on the other hand, perplexed, refused to accept what she heard.
"No..." She shook her head and looked at the man from the door.
"Dad! Dad, don't go! Don't you love us anymore? Please, don't leave me!"
Still with no respond, the man didn't turn around and closed the door behind him.
"DADDY!!!" The girl cried and cried but the man she called so much didn't come back from that door.
She gasped as she shot her eyes wide open. She panted as beads of sweat flow from her head. Soon as she gets up, something wet fell on her blanket.
"Huh?" She blinked, and another drop fell on the blanket.
Curious to find out where it came, she checked her face and noticed her vision became blurry. Then, her fingers became wet from the water in her eyes.
"I'm... crying?" She mumbled and remembered her dream.
It was painful. Still painful. How the shadow from her past still haunts her even in dreams. Why did she suddenly remember that awful memory? Why does it suddenly appear when she feels like everything is fine?
Everything's fine? Does it?
The lass took a deep breath to calm herself. All of a sudden, she patted her cheeks with her hands as hard as it could; the sound of her cheeks getting slapped echoes in her room. She can feel it stings, maybe her cheeks' turning red now.
With that pain, she's fully awake.
"No time to feel sad, Yana! Today is the day!" She mumbled and stood up.
She went to the bathroom, washed her face, and accomplished her morning routines. After all, today is the day that they'll be going back to school after their Semestral break.
Soon as she went down the stairs, she saw her mother sleeping on the couch. She looks tired with the way she snores and with those big circles around her eyes.
She flashed a sad smile and approached her mother. Gently, she planted a soft kiss on her forehead.
She moaned, "Yana..?" Her mother rubbed her eyes as she slowly sat up.
"I'll be going to school now. You'd better go upstairs and rest in your room, okay?"
She nodded and yawned, "Okay... take care, then..." She waved her hand.
Yana smiled before she closed the door.
From their small gate, a familiar figure awaits her.
"Good morning, Yana." He smiled brightly and charmingly.
"Good morning, Rae." She smiled back.
Seeing his smile first thing in the morning makes her day. Even so, she can't help but remember what she witnessed few days ago.
'Why did that girl kiss him? Who is she? Does she know Rae? I don't think she's Rae's girlfriend.'
These are the thoughts roaming inside her head. She wanted to ask him so bad. But can't even begin a single word.
"Yana," he called, and she flinched in surprise, "Auntie seems really tired. She should get a good rest." He said, referring to her mother.
"Ah, right. I already told her to rest."
'Why does that kiss didn't even bother him a bit? Does he even care? Is it fine for him to be kissed by anyone?'
The familiar feeling of her blood boiling from these thoughts suddenly came back. Something inside her feels irritating, feels annoying; something that can easily make her piss off.
"Good morning Rae!" A voice said from behind.
"Ms. Sally, good morning!" Rae greeted with a smile.
Then, another girl approached him, "Rae, good morning!"
Followed by several girls who sweetly smiled at him.
If she's not mistaken, they're from their class that she can even barely remember their names. Was she that of a loner or too busy on her own business that she didn't take time to care about their names?
Either way, she's certain they're their classmates.
'Great! Their intentions are way too obvious by greeting Rae and not me!' She thought as the irritation gets worse.
"Yana!" A familiar voice called out.
"Ella!"
'Ah, my life saver!'
She ran and hugged her dear friend as tight as she could. They haven't seen each other in two weeks after all.
"I missed you!" Ella whispered.
"I missed you too!" She replied as she gently moved away.
"Rae! How have you been, man?" A group of boys from the soccer club approached him.
"Jacob! How are you!" Rae walked towards them together with the other boys from their class.
'When did he ever get close to our classmates like this?' Yana thought as she stared at them.
"You okay?" Ella asked.
"Ah, yeah..." She nodded and fake a smile.
As they came back from school, it feels way nosier than before. Well, they must've missed each other that much.
Ah, the spirit of youth.
This excitement and energy are perfect for their gardening class. They are redecorating the garden as their section was assigned for this job. The boys are the ones watering the plants and digging up soil. While the girls are the ones cleaning the fallen leaves and planting some flowers.
"The teacher said we should help our librarian after this, okay?" Their president announced while carrying two pots of roses.
Rae stood up and approached her, "Miss president, let me help you."
"B-but Rae, these are heavy!"
He chuckled, "That's the point. Besides, you might get yourself hurt from its thorns."
The class president flushed in red as the roses. She handed one pot to Rae as he smiled charmingly at her.
Seeing this, the heavy feeling returned once again. It feels like there are huge rocks piling up inside her heart, making it hard for her to breathe. Something irritating and suffocating.
'Why? Why does he smile like that to everyone?' She bit her lower lip, trying to calm herself down.
"Yana, are you done? Let's clean up and go to the library." Ella said and pulled her to the washroom.
"You look pale. Did you sleep well?" She asked.
"Ah, do I?" She made an awkward laugh to hide her pain.
'I should get myself together! I shouldn't feel any of these!' She thought.
After washing their hands, they went to the library to clean and arrange the books. This is one of the places she missed in school. Too bad the books are old enough with tattered pages. They haven't been taken care of for two weeks.
"I'll arrange the books from this shelf." Ella said.
Yana nodded, "Sure, I'll wipe the dust off on these books."
Since it's been quite a long time they've seen each other, some of them can't seem to stop chatting about the things they did. Some act how they usually does like Yana. And some can't help but feel a bit over the board. Like how these male classmates of theirs kept on running and laughing around.
"Hey, give it back!" One of them said as he chased the other one holding a magazine.
"You've never told us you had this, Chad! Lemme borrow it!"
"Oh no you don't!" He tried to get the magazine back but his friend moved aside to dodge him.
Chad hit the shelf a bit harder that it fell. This shelf collided with the other shelf, falling like a domino.
Being reminded that her friend is cleaning in between of those shelves, Yana ran to check her out.
"Ella!"
When she was about to get hit by the falling books and shelf, Rae suddenly rushed in and used his broad body to block them. Some books fell but more importantly, Ella is safe.
"Are you okay?" He asked.
Ella sighed in relief, "Yeah. Thanks a bunch, Rae!"
He smiled and pushed the shelf to stand.
"Woah! You're stronger than I thought." She blinked fast.
Pushing a heavy shelf back to its position isn't an easy job. Plus, there are other shelves behind so it's indeed amazing how he managed to push it all.
"Well, I've been working out since our Sem-break." He explained, though, he actually meant his training. But of course, he can't say that.
"I see. That's great!" Ella giggled.
Seeing this scene in front of her makes her chest aches once again. She quickly turned around and went to the bathroom.
'What's... wrong with me?! Why does it hurt so much?' She placed her hand near her chest and clenched her fist.
'No... Ella's my best friend. She won't look at Rae like how those girls look at him.' She thought, taking deep breaths.
'She knows... that I've... liked Rae, that I'm in love with him... So, Ella wouldn't make a move on him, right?' A feeling of uneasiness crept into her system.
She has felt this before. Way back in first grade. The feeling of something may break... and something may lose again.
Brushing those feelings aside, she continued to act normally like how she used to. It was like then until lunch time. Usually, she and Rae would eat together in the roof top. But when she glanced at his direction, his male classmates gathered around him.
"Hey Rae, let's eat at the cafeteria!"
"Yeah, we've never eat with you before."
"Uhh..." The lad hesitated.
He glanced at Yana who happened to look at his direction as well. He's certain, their eyes met but she chose to turn away and leave the classroom.
'What's wrong with her?' He asked himself.
"Are you coming, man?"
"Ah, yes, yes. I'm coming!" He stood up and walked with his classmates.
'Eating with others for a change of phase wouldn't hurt. I guess I'll ask Yana later after class.'
As their eyes met, the familiar heavy feeling of pain came back at her. She knew, for sure, if she stayed by his side today, her chest would hurt more and more.
'I guess avoiding him would be the best option today.' She thought and turned away, leaving the classroom.
"Yana, come and eat with us!" Ella invited her and didn't even give her a time to respond when her dear friend pulled her away.
As much as she wanted to decline for feeling guilty earlier, she can't just turn her down like that or it would suspect her.
Ella brought her to a table where their class president and other classmates were eating.
"Can we join you guys?"
"Sure!" They nodded.
"It's been a long time since we eat together, don't you think?" Ella smiled as she gently bumped her elbow at her.
Yana slowly nodded as a response.
"Say, Miss Yana..." Called by one of the girls, "I've been meaning to ask you... you've been friends Rae, right?"
"Uhm, yes." She casually said.
Then, their eyes averted as if their hesitating to ask the next question.
"What is it?" She has broken the silence.
"Uhm..." The class president began to speak, "We just wanted to know, you've been close to him since then. Are... are you two dating???"
That question sent her blood rushing to her head, "D-dating?! With Rae... N-no! It's nothing like that, we aren't dating!" She shook her head.
"Then, you two are just friends?" Asked the other one.
"Uhm, yeah... we're just friends..."
Those words cut deeper than she thought. It was the truth and yet it hurts so much. Yes, she does like him. She's in love with him. But this feeling of affinity is nothing but one-sided. And that's what it hurts the most.
The girls sighed in relief as if a thorn has been pulled out from their chests.
"Then, miss Yana... if you don't mind... May we ask what kind of girl does Rae like?"
Their eyes twinkled as if they're eager to know the one-million question of every girl to the guy they like.
"Uhm..." She looked away. She doesn't even know how to answer the question herself. But these girls, they leaned forward like they're waiting for her reply.
"That's enough, girls." Ella interrupted, "We're suppose to eat lunch, not talk about those things."
The girls sighed in disappointment, making an 'aww' expression.
At the back of her mind, Yana sighed in relief. She doesn't even know the answer to that question. She even asked herself about that but got no answers.
'Of course, I'm the least type of girl on his list.' She scoffed bitterly.
Away from this school, about five streets away, several tall buildings can be found. Be it a business company, a hotel, or condominium. And one of the things mentioned, there's this particular condominium popular for it's good place and service. From the twelfth floor, going to a certain room with a number sign of '1204' on the door, a girl came and pressed the code before entering.
"Master, I'm back!" She exclaimed as she swings the door only to find out the mess inside.
The clothes are scattered all around. The books and pieces of paper were all over the floor.
"Master, what's the meaning of this!" She scolded and rushed at the lad who kept on looking on his bed sheets.
"Frisca..." He called in a cold voice that send chills to her spine.
"Y-yes?" She gulped.
"Have you seen a small brown notebook around here?" His sharp golden eyes pierced at her.
The girl shook her head, "N-no master, I haven't seen it. You always carry it with you as far as I can remember."
Orpheus flicked his tongue and walked towards the terrace.
"I'm going out. Clean this mess up." He said before jumping down and let the wind carry him.
"M-master! You're so mean!" Frisca cried as she gazed upon the mess around.
"Geez... why would he go that far over a small old journal notebook." She pouted and started cleaning.
Taken by the wind, Orpheus carefully landed on secluded areas to avoided being seen by humans. Then, he crossed the street and walked towards the eatery, the first place he have ever visited (unintentionally). He was seen by the owner who seems to recognize him.
"Oh, you're that handsome lad from the other day. Are you here to eat again?" The old lady smiled.
"I'm looking for a small brown notebook. Have you seen one?" He asked with a stoic expression.
The old lady held her chin, "A small brown notebook, eh?" She tried to recall, "Ah, yes! I've seen it!"
"Where is it?"
"Oh, but didn't your girlfriend give it to you? I saw her took it."
'Girlfriend?' Orpheus frowned.
Then, Yana's face flashed on his mind as he heard it.
"No, I'll just go and find her. Thank you." He bowed politely and walked away.
'Now... I have to find that girl no matter what...' He thought as he narrowed his sharp eyes.
"What? She already left?" Rae exclaimed when he heard the news that Yana went ahead of him.
'She didn't tell me anything. If I chase after her, I'll be late on my training. Dad wouldn't like it.' He gulped and glanced at his watch.
'Maybe I'll visit her after training.' He shrugged and went towards the woods.
A bit earlier just soon as the bell rings, the students started to fix their things as they prepare to go home.
And Yana, on the other hand, quickly stood up and left the classroom while Rae's been preoccupied talking to the girls in their class.
"Yana!" Ella chased after her.
"What is it?"
"Can you come with me for a bit? Mom asked an errand for me to do." She clasped her hands together.
At first, she was hesitant. But she can't really refuse her friend.
"Sure." She smiled a little as they walked out the school.
"You've been spacing out a lot lately. Are you sure you're fine?" She asked.
The lass nodded, "Yeah. I'm fine. Don't worry."
Ella pouted, who seems unsatisfied to her response.
"Argh! I can't take it anymore!" She suddenly exclaimed.
She pulled Yana to sit on the nearby bench.
"Alright. Tell me what's wrong?" She crossed her arms to her chest and glared at her.
"What are you saying? Why do we need to sit here? You've got an errand from your mom, remember?"
Ella sighed, "That's obviously a lie, Yana. Look, I know there's something wrong with you and I can tell you're not okay. Don't even try to hide it." She insisted.
Yana blinked, she wasn't her best friend for nothing after all. She can easily tell if she's okay or not. How could she lie to her dear friend?
Suddenly, tears started to stream down her cheeks.
"Ella... I'm not okay..." She cried, "I don't feel okay... It hurts, it hurts so much in here..." She added and pounded her chest with her fist.
"I don't know why but... it feels so heavy. Whenever I see him talking with other girls, I don't like it. When I see him go to other people, I just hate it. It feels like he doesn't notice me at all. It feels like they've stolen his attention away from me. And his smile... the very thing I liked the most about him... I hate how he showed it to others the way he does to me. All I thought, he only smiles because of me. I thought he smiles differently towards me. But it's not! It's painful that I share the very thing I love, his smile, to others." She glanced at her friend.
"I'm jealous Ella! And I don't like it! I hate how he can easily capture every girl's heart. I dislike how he's so popular even to boys. I feel sad when he's not telling things to me. When he's keeping me waiting. I feel so far away from him even we're inch apart. What if... what if he doesn't want to be with me anymore? What if... he'll leave me one day as well? Ugh! I hate this feeling because I got mad at you earlier. I didn't really mean it, I'm so sorry, Ella!" She cried and her friend pulled her for a hug.
"It's okay, it's a normal feeling. No need to apologize." Ella hushed as she gently rubbed her back in circles.
Truth be told, this is the first time Yana has ever been honest towards her feelings. Usually, she remain silent all throughout until the feeling gets numb. It all started on that very day, back when they're in first grade.
She let her friend cried to her hearts content. She waited until her tears became dry as her eyes became red.
"Feeling better now?" She asked and gazed at her.
Yana sniffed and nodded, "A bit. Thanks, Ella!" She smiled.
"Man! What a huge impact Rae has done in your life!" She sighed.
The lass flushed, "I-I... I didn't even mention it's Rae!"
Ella scoffed, "Oh c'mon! I know you liked him right from the start. You can't fool my eyes." She smirked.
Yana sighed, "Looks like I can't hide anything from you."
"Of course! I'm your BFF! And that being said, will you hear me out?" She glanced at her and Yana did the same.
"Yana, it's normal to feel jealous towards the person you like. That's just part of being a human after all. But..." She took a deep breath, "Don't you think you're going way overboard?"
The lass blinked as she felt confused.
"I know you like him, a lot. But you said it yourself earlier... you guys are just friends. Which means you haven't told him how you really feel."
"I... don't think I have the guts to say..." Yana sighed.
"And in that case, I don't think you even have the right to feel jealous. I know you only want him to look at you, to stay with you, and to tell you some things. But I guess you're going to suffocate him in that kind of environment." Ella sighed.
"I know you're feeling this way since your father left. But we have to accept that it shouldn't always be the case. Rae is different than your father. He may or may not leave but, that thing is out of our control. We can't keep someone forever. Because at the first place, no one belongs to us. They are who they are. It's not for us to decide what they're going to do in the future. Because for me, if you can't let someone go, that's not something to be called love. It's something being possessive, it's not love at all. And I want you to think this all over, Yana. As your friend, I care about how you feel." She smiled tenderly at her.
Ella's words echoed inside her head until she reached home. It was frank but not so offending. It hurts but it's the truth.
'She's right. Why do I even feel jealous at something that's vague. At something that's... nothing.' She sighed and fixed her things on the table.
'Does that mean... I'm being possessive of Rae all along? So... I didn't love him like I thought it is?' Just these thoughts are enough to make her sad.
When she picked up some books, a small brown notebook fell on her floor. Then, she picked it up.
"This looks familiar..." She blinked and sat on her bed.
She started to open it and flip through the pages. And unknowingly, in midst of her loneliness, she soundly fell asleep after reading that small notebook.