Twenty-seven: MTOABB

MTOABB

Sorry somehow seems to be the hardest word - Gomes would have said it by now if it wasn't.

A week has passed and I wish he called or even texted, but everytime my phone lights up, I bite my bottom lip, wishing it was his name dancing across the screen even if it wasn't.

Don't know why it's getting to me, but the burning feeling in my chest doesn't seem to want to go away. And I wish I could hate him, but I don't, even though deep down, my body itches to blame someone for the pain.

To love is such a damaging word so I opted to like him a little more each day, and each day I liked him more than I liked him the day before.

Sitting alone, I watch as he conveys in conversation with Chloe, not once taking his eyes off her to look at me. Chloe doesn't know, and if she did - it wasn't from my mouth. My fingers decide to busy themselves with the sofa, an attempt to distract me from the fact that he hasn't once spoken to me.

My tongue-tied, but deep down, I'm screaming.

Phase one: Denial

Attempting to believe that last week didn't happen, I pull myself up, using all my strength to walk to where they are seated. I pick the stool next to his, taking in a deep breath, I allow my butt to feel the coldness of the seat. My heart, not willing to allow my brain to come to terms with our new reality, sits and listen to their conversation.

"You want some water?" Chloe looks at me, realising that I hadn't yet responded.

"Yes, please." My voice comes out hoarse and I have to cough out, to clear my throat.

Phase two: anger

"Here." Chloe places a tumbler glass in front of me.

"I asked for water, Chloe." I scowl at the lemon pieces floating in the water.

I could sense his stare at me and somewhat it seemed like he was annoyed - or maybe it was my own imagination. Part of me wanted to upset him, maybe then he would feel a fraction of my emotion.

"What is with you?" Chloe asks.

Maybe seeing me angry will force him to say something to me, anything, but he continues to sit there, mouth closed.

"Nothing." I sigh.

"Let me." He takes the tumbler glass, making sure our body's don't touch. I watch as he moves past Chloe, comes to a standstill in front of the refrigerator. "Should I put ice in your water?"

Finally our eyes meet, and for the first time, his eyes spoke only words I knew.

Phase three: bargaining

"Yes, please," I mutter. He turns to grab some ice blocks from the fridge and deep down my I'm promising to think before making hasty decisions if it means that he'll talk to me again.

He places the glass in front of me and I silently nod. I wait for him to sit, but he turns to leave. My heart cries out, but my face remains quite blasé - what's new, am I right?

Stage four: depression

Numb - is that even the right word to express my emotions?

"What is going on between the two of you?" Chloe asks, leaning forward on the counter.

"I don't know." Or maybe I did, but knowing that I would have to say it out loud, would make it more true.

"I can't help if you don't tell me what is going on."

"Did he not tell you?"

"Tell me what?"

"Rossita?" I bring my eyes to meet hers, a droplet grazing my cheek.

"I told him I didn't want to be with him anymore, but I didn't mean it." My voice begins to quiver, but I don't stop. "I have a few months left with him before he leaves and I went and let my heart do the talking without thinking." Tears start glazing down my cheeks and I let them. The little energy that I had left, I used trying to stop them, but failed miserably. What if I can't live up to the standard that Holly has marked? - and I wish I knew what she had on him.

"Why would you tell him that?" She asks.

Stage five: Acceptance

"I found out he went to go visit Holly and in those few days, he forgot that I existed. But looking back now, I probably should have known that I couldn't compete to the likes of her - she is absolutely gorgeous."

"So? You're fucking gorgeous too." She moves to sit next to me. Pulls me in for a side hug and we stay like that for a few seconds.

"I just need to come to terms with my new reality. We're back to square one - no boys means no drama, right?"

I finally realised that healing wasn't a destination, and knowing that my choices brought me here - in this mess, it's safe to say that healing was meant to be messy process.

She chuckles as she shoves me away. "Go and speak to him."

"Is he not gone?"

"I texted him to wait. He is outside."

I stare at her in awe. "Thank you, Chloe, really."

It's moments like these that make me believe that she will always have my back. My happiness counts and in a world where there is hate, I will always have her.

I leave her in the kitchen as I make my way out the front door.

Standing there so aloof, I watch as he takes his last puff before throwing the cigarette bud on the concrete floor. I debate on whether I should go to him - would he want me to?

Cigarettes and alcohol -- would that be a factor that would describe him best - he does it a lot. My eyes follow as he kicks at a rock and places his hands in his front pockets.

The sky knows my secret and right now, all I can think about is his lips on mine. Fuck tomorrow's knowing whispers, today - right now is all that counts. So I force my legs to move and with every step, the passion builds and I can only hold on to the hope that he won't turn me down.

We, are the people that crave for what we can't have cos what we can't have sounds like something we want.