Not now, Not yet

Clare

I had just walked out of the shower when my phone rang.

Throwing over a long plain black t-shirt I clicked the answer option and turned it on loudspeaker.

“I thought you would ignore my call again,” Said Cody

“I was going to” I replied placing the phone on the bed, massaging my right hand, there was a slight unceasing ache there.

“Its good that you changed your mind then …or you would have had the devil to deal with,” He said mocking.

“What do you mean?” I asked frowning on his statement as well as the ache.

“Well…. let’s just say dad is pacing and..-“

“What he means to say is that if you don’t get your ass here in a week, I will pay you a visit there, cause I don’t fucking care anymore and I want to bloody see my daughter!” Uncle Cole shouted, to say the least, well…he sounded pissed.

Really really pissed.

Though I didn’t really want to go there, I could not afford him to visit here. it would ruin everything.

“Look I know you are still angry at us and you have your reasons but I have to die someday and bloody well WANT TO FACE MY BROTHER AND SISTER IN LAW!, SO I DON’T CARE WHAT EXCUSE YOU HAVE READY, YOU ARE VISITING HERE IN MAXIMUM A WEEK!” He continued, huffing at the end.

From a bit far somewhere on the other side a third, female voice shouted

“Might as well bring a date but the p.a. is prohibited!” Said aunt Camila joking just as seriously, I rolled my eyes.

All this shouting was giving me a headache.

“I-“ I tried to say but was cut off by uncle Cole again.

“Save it. I want you here in a week, I don’t care if you are busy, have meetings. Shift them and get here” He scolded

“Fine. I’ll come” I replied short, cold, and simple while rubbing my throbbing head.

“With a date!” Cody reminded.

“With a date” I repeated rolling my eyes imagining his smirk on the other side.

After a few heavy sighs and deep breathing, uncle Cole spoke.

“I …know you are not anywhere close to forgiving us but please….don’t forget us either………it haunts me, even the th-thought of it ha-haunts me” He stuttered then continued after a pause very softly, very slowly.

I was almost sure he was crying when he said

“You…are the only one left just please…don’t-…”

I wasn’t ready to hear the rest, not now, not on the phone, not yet.

So I did what I thought best.

I ended the call.

He might be in grief, he had lost his family too, and I should have forgiven-must have forgiven him, forgiven them.

But my cold heart wouldn’t let me, I wasn’t ready, not now, not yet.

He lost them but he still has his family, I lost them and I don’t even have myself anymore.

‘Even the th-thought of it ha-haunts me’ I smiled

‘I fucking watched it happen, I still live with it’ I fainted.

Mason

“No no no don’t add mushroom in anything! She is allergic. Mushrooms and peanuts” Dad instructed for the fifteenth time.

“What are you doing Carlson, bring yellow roses! She has enough darkness around her, you want to add more to it!?” He scolded, turning around I noticed Carlson picking the dark color special flowers out of the vase.

Turning back I continued my work in the kitchen agreeing with dad, though the flowers were beautiful, she did need some happy yellow in her life, I mean I’ve met her ones and even I have noticed that much, dad probably knew her for years.

When dad found out yesterday that Clare was coming here for dinner he was happy, then not, probably thinking deeply about something and then ecstatic.

It was weird almost as if there was another spirit, a ghost in him because he is never this excited, like ever or confused about his excitement. weird.

Carl had whispered to me a few minutes earlier that dad was acting like he was going to meet his long lost daughter he knew everything about, I had chuckled cause it did feel like that but mom had just glared.

Well, the point is my mom never glares and my dad isn’t this excited where he is almost going nuts, ever. it was so weird watching them like this.

“Dad calm down you are acting like your high on helium or……drugs,” I said joking then scrunching my nose continued “are you?”

Except for another glare from mom and a small cleaning cloth on my face thrown by dad I didn’t get any reply.

Looking around dad checked everything one last time on the dining table and living room, then as if something clicked in his mind he came searching for something in the kitchen.

Looking around he pulled me away and looked for that thing on the counter where I was working, when he didn’t find it he looked in the bags still filled with grocery stuff we bought this morning.

He must have not found it yet cause he moved mom aside by his hand on her waist and looked on the counter.

Mom swatted his hand away huffing she glared at him and pushed him away, I raised my brows in question, well someone was pissed.

Dad walked out of the kitchen oblivious to mom’s mood and called “Carl! You forgot strawberries! I reminded you to buy them, they were on the list!” He shouted at him.

Carl who was straightening the house a bit and was about to go pick his girlfriend from her place stopped in track thinking then said

“No, they weren’t, I bought everything on the list you must have forgotten to write”

“Nonsense! I can never forget the strawberries! They play a huge part in her life, chubbily enormous part” He said chuckling to himself.

Well, that caught my attention more than anything, dad knew a lot about Clare.

Hmmm nice, I can find out more about her through him, I smirked ignoring mom’s frustrated face.

“You seem quite familiar with her, known her whole life?” Mom asked more like taunted and dad the oblivious of them all didn’t even sense the hint of irritation.

“Yeah, dad is acting like he has known her for years” Carlson commented, he didn’t notice mom either, she was practically boiling right now I could literally see the flames coming out her hot red face. Were they two blind?

“Not many years, just a few,” He said smiling sadly to mom.

He looked as if he was looking at mom but wasn’t seeing her, probably thinking of some old memory.

Then his eyes moved back in focus coming out of his thoughts he screamed, not the banshee-barbie type scream no, the about to stop a big mishappening type scream.

“What are you doing! Jen, don’t use this oil!” He said running back in the kitchen snatching the oil can from mom he placed it back on the shelf and took out another can of oil and handed it to mom saying “I bought a special kind of oil, use this as minimum as possible, she can’t have too much greasy stuff”

Mom whipped around and continued with her work completely frustrated by his new exciting behavior when I asked “So dad? How come you know so much about her, allergies and stuff”

“Yeah, she told me” He answered looking down, yeah dad? even I know she doesn’t talk about herself to anyone and I’ve met her ones! fool someone else I wanted to say but I resisted.

“Exactly how many years have you know her?” Carlson asked curiously

“Uhmm.. around 6 years” He replied after thinking.

“Oh, and you never thought of mentioned her ones, in 6 years!” Mom commented raising both her brows in question.

“It never came up” Dad just shrugged, vague.

“And…what is this that she owes you, I mean she is pretty rich, what does she owe You” carl questioned

“Debt” Dad answered in a DUH tone with a sarcastic straight face then said “What are you waiting for go bring strawberries! now!”

In a second the noise of the door being shut came.

So carl will probably come with his girlfriend now.

Hmm ….so technically dad will meet three people today.

1 his youngest son’s girlfriend.

2 his middle son’s soon to be girlfriend.

And 3 his eldest son’s ‘hope she agrees to be my girlfriend in the future pretty please’ girlfriend.

Funny, I smiled.

“Dad stop! Your acting like you are about to meet your long lost daughter! Please sit down” Carlson cried forcing dad to stop pacing and sit on the sofa.

I shook my head at them when mom stomped to him and asked a bomb.

I know what you are thinking.

I know the phase in dropped the bomb but that means she dropped conspiring information.

But here what she asked, was 1 conspiring enough.

2 left out jaws open.

She asked, “Is she your illegitimate daughter!”

Clare

Moving my eyes in the darkness I tried lifting my eyelids.

After three failures I finally opened them, still heavy as if they carried bricks.

Trying to see, I blinked through their weight.

Everything was blurry.

I knew that I was in my room, on the floor but for how long. I didn’t know.

With a hand on my head for support I tried standing up.

Stumbling I fell, trying again I sat on my bed.

The world was spinning around me, blinking darkness than light.

My head felt heavy, heavier than anything, so heavy that if I removed my hand that’s supporting it, my neck might snap.

I felt something wet on my fingers, bringing it in front of me, I blinked a few times to see blood.

Pressing my palms where I must have fallen and banged my head I tried to walk towards the kitchen.

I was thirsty, I wanted water.

I felt drought inside me when was the last time I drank water I didn’t remember.

Fuck I needed water.

With still spinning head and blinking eyes from dark to light to dark again, I stumbled trying to walk.

Taking support of walls and furniture, falling ones I finally reached the counter.

Filling water, I drank three glasses.

Sitting on the nearest sofa I took my pills out of the drawer and swallowed them.

Closing my eyes I laid my head back, groaning every now, and then because of my heavy-spinning head and the ache around my right shoulder, it was really hard to move my right hand.

Wiping the tears with my left hand I focused on breathing.

In.

Out.

In.

Out.

After about half an hour when I could finally see straight without my vision being a blur and stand and walk without support.

I drank a few more glasses of water and changed into a dress, getting ready for the get-together.

I got into my car driving straight to mason’s, picking Juana on the way.

Loneliness was what I had.

Loneliness was what I had to survive with.

And lone was all I am now.