Understanding

I was eating breakfast silently as Lo was just poking her food.

I said "Can you just eat correctly?"

Lo said "I miss Suga."

I said "Yeah he misses you too. Now get to eating."

Lo said "You said you loved him but you left him. So, you lied?"

I said "Sometimes, you have to leave your love ones because it's just the best."

Lo asked "Like we left our parents?"

I said "Exactly."

Lo said "Suga hit you?"

I said "No he's not the problem. I am, Lo."

Lo looked at me shocked and said "What's wrong?"

I said "Lo it's grown up stuff."

Lo said "You won't ever go back to, Suga?"

I sighed and said "I don't think so."

Lo frowned and said "Oh."

"Let's get you to school." I said.

I drove Lo to school and she said "Have a good day, Moni!" Before getting off the car.

I drove to my job and did some painting with some little kids. I couldn't seem to concentrate as Suga roamed in my mind. I got startled as I heard my alarm on my phone. I got in my car and drove to a therapist.

"Hello, Moni. My name is Meri." Meri said.

I sighed nervously and shaked her hand. "I need help." I said.

Meri said "I'm all ears and remember I'm here to help you."

I nodded and said "Mostly everyone knows me because of Suga. I don't think anyone knows about my life though. Everyone mostly thinks Lo is my kid or me and Suga's kid."

I paused and Meri said "Take your time."

I said "I won't. I will get to the point because I have my businesses."

Meri chuckled and said "Remember you come first! You need to be prepared and healthy for Lo!"

I nodded and said "That's a problem I have. I make sure everyone around me is happy except for myself. I just assume I will be happy one day."

Meri asked "Are you?"

I shrugged and said "It doesn't matter."

Meri said "Tell me what's wrong."

I sighed and said "I let Suga go and it's killing me inside." I laughed and asked "Dumb, right?"

Meri asked "You need to remember that you can't make choices for others. You can't just tell someone your leaving and tell them they'll be fine. You may be fine but that doesn't mean he will."

I looked at her and said "I let him go because I know I couldn't make him happy with the way that I think."

Meri looked at me confused and said "What do you mean?"

I said "I'm so toxic from the inside of my brain. You see I was physically, mentally and emotionally abused by my parents."

I stood up from my chair and walked to the big windows from her office.

I continued "Now that I'm older I think different. When I see kids I don't seem to like them. Like I like my sister but I don't want kids. I see couples and I don't want marriage. When I was younger I loved kids and wanted to get married. I saw the way my parents treated eachother and how they treated us. I know how it feels to be unloved and beaten up."

Meri came over to me and stood next to me. Meri said "Moni, remember you make your life and no one else. It's not that you don't want kids or marriage. Your scared and you know why."

I turned to look at her and said "I am terrified."

Meri said "Why?"

I looked away and felt myself getting scared. I softly said "I'm terrified I'll be like my parents or me and Suga could be like that." My voice started to fade away as I said "I don't want kids because I don't want them to suffer like I did. I know how it feels to be beaten up and to have no love given to you."

Meri said "You need to tell Suga all of this. Both need to talk and take action. By talking to eachother I'm sure you will want to marry him and have kids."

I cleared my throat and looked back at her.

Meri said "If you want to be different than you can. You don't have to be like your parents! You won't be and I'm sure."

"How do you know?" I asked.

Meri said "I have seen you all three together and you guys look like a family. Lo looks like your kid and you been sort of her mother this whole time. She looks like a good kid and doesn't seem she will cause any trouble. You already look like you got your own family and your doing great! Don't be scared of what the beautiful future has in store for you!"

I chuckled and said "I been away from Suga for about three months now. Maybe he already has a new girlfriend or maybe is married."

Meri said "Moni, stop and go look for him. Stop scaring yourself and ignore your parents."

I said with a chuckle "They're so upset with me that they say I'm not good enough for anyone or anything."

Meri said "Don't listen to them because your doing great. You'll do even better if you go find Suga."

I said "If the future wants us together it will get us together."

Meri nodded her head sideways and said "Don't be scared or shy to find him!"

I said "Thank you for listening to me. I hadn't speaked to anyone in so long."

Meri said "Communication is so important! As long as the communication continues the word divorce will disappear."

I laughed and my alarm went off. I said "I have a meeting but thank you."

Meri said "Your such a great person and I love your work."

I looked at her wall and she had my work hanged up.

"Wow. This is amazing." I said.

Meri chuckled and said "That's what I said."

I left to my meeting and tried to continue my day without thinking about Suga.

The meeting that I didn't pay attention to was over and I turned on the tv to see if any news of Suga would come on. The hour past and no news about him came on.

I frowned and said "I left the society world for three months and it feels like Suga did too."

I got my bag and went home. I opened my laptop and looked up Suga's name.

A picture of him popped up but I didn't see no girl. I squinted my eyes as I read the article "Suga's new girlfriend is a model." I looked up at the date and it was written about a month ago.

"I officially lost Suga, now." I whispered to myself. I closed my laptop and said "I mean I did tell him to leave and find someone else."

I chuckled and looked around. "I need to clean the house." I nodded as I said that.

Hours past and it was time to pick up Lo.

Lo got in the car and said "Wow! Moni, you look sick. Are you ok?"

I said "I was cleaning the house and that's why I look like poop."

Lo laughed and said "I would help but I have so much homework."

I squinted my eyes as I said "Sure you do."

Lo said "I do!"

We stopped for food and Lo said "I miss Suga cooking for us."

I got the food and we headed towards the house. I said "I think it's just best if we leave him in the past."

Lo asked "Why?"

I said "He has a girlfriend."

Lo started to cry and said "What?! No! Why?! I thought he loved you! He lied!"

I widen my eyes as I didn't think it would hurt her this bad. I said "Lo calm down. Suga can do whatever he-"

Lo quickly said "No! He can't marry her! Quick do something!"

I said "Lo eat your food."

Lo said "This is your fault!"

I hit the brakes of the car and turned to look at Lo. I said "You won't speak to me like that or raise your voice. Suga has the right to date and marry anybody he likes. Don't be mad and eat your food."

I started to drive again and we made it home.

Lo didn't speak to me and I said "You need to learn that you can't make people do something they don't want to do."

Lo looked at me and said "I want you guys together but you don't like him. I like Suga as my dad. I don't want you to go out with another guy."

I said "Lo, you can't go destroy a relationship that is already formed. Would you like it if some girl came and destroyed your Lego collection."

Lo said "No!"

I said "Samething. If he was single then maybe but I can't."

Lo said "I understand."