Her

~ Daryl's Point of View ~

I let her walk away like I always do. I know she can see straight through me and all the bullshit walls I put up. But I ain't like her. She doesn't understand it fully, my past. How could anyone, though? I left it in the past for a reason. This is where I was always meant to be. This was karma turning around and biting me in the ass. I've accepted that now.

I brushed off her words, walking further into the forest on the other side of the field. I knew I wasn't gonna come across anything, but I couldn't go back to them yet. They all reminded me of what we have lost, who we have lost, and I wasn't ready to face that yet. The woods were quieter than ever before, they have been for days now. The sun was our enemy, drying up all the water from the ground and scaring away any game for miles.

I dropped to my knees when my eyes landed on the carcass of a fawn. Only its felt lay draped over its bones. Dehydration and starvation withered the animal to the bone before it had collapsed and died. We would soon be next. I grabbed my stray arrow from off of the ground in frustration, placing it back into the crossbows holster. I wouldn't be using any of these today.

I continued through the bush before coming across a path covered in pine needles from the hanging trees above. A barn sat just at the end of it. I didn't care to spend the energy on clearing it, most likely there was nothing of use inside. Instead, I slid down the stump of a tree, basking in the silence. I needed a dart. I shoved my hand in my vest pocket, pulling out a handful of crumpled cigarettes and a lighter. I propped the one intact dart in my mouth, lighting it, and inhaling.

My face contorted when the thought of those we lost crept back up, cursing under my breath. I don't understand why it bothered me so much, I wasn't there for any of them. Maybe that was the problem though? I wasn't there. I'm never there to help. I'm sick of losing people. The thought was suffocating so I pushed it away. But I knew why it bothered me so much. It was so easy to lose someone. It would be so easy to lose her, and I couldn't fathom the feeling of that.

I took another drag of the cigarette, fiddling with it before attempting to push away those thoughts again. I winced as I squished the burning bud on the back of my hand, melting the ash into my skin and focusing on the pain. Focusing on something else for just a moment. But that moment subsided and the thought hit me even harder. I huffed out, feeling my breath get caught in my throat. I was hyperventilating and the tears finally rushed out of me. As much pain as I was in, the reaction was almost relieving. There was nothing I could do now to solve any of this, but right now alone and away from everyone else, I let myself feel it.

Hearing the faint rumbles of thunder I snapped out of it. Huffing in a deep breath, I collected myself. Deciding that those feelings would stay locked away here, I wiped my eyes clean and headed back to the group.

I could see their heads snap around towards the woods when hearing me coming. Their faces alarmed, before laying eyes on me. Rick handed me a piece of paper, his face remaining concerned. "From a friend," the paper read. My eyes landed on a collection of water bottles left for us in the middle of the road. I dropped the paper, scoping the area as I pulled my crossbow from over my head.

"What else are we gonna do?" Tara asked. I stood on the outskirts of the group, looking for anything or anyone out of the ordinary.

"Not this," Rick declined the idea of anyone drinking that water. "We don't know who left it."

"If that's a trap, we already happen to be in it." I glanced back at Eugene, his eyes not leaving the water. Like he was hypnotized or some shit. "But I, for one, would like to think it is indeed from a friend." The idiot.

"What if it isn't? They put something in it?" Carol's voice of reason responded.

Eugene lunged forward anyway, grabbing a bottle and twisting off the lid. I shook my head at his stupidity. Abraham swatted the bottle from his hands before he could take a drink. Someone with a brain.

"We can't," Rick said, staring at the pathetic excuse for a man.

More thunder rumbled from above us. We all looked up, watching the clouds roll in quickly. After days the rain finally poured down on us. Within seconds it went from a light spritz to a downpour. Thunder clapped towards the east and the girls began to laugh. The rain, washing our skin clean and relieving us from the sun.

I remained still, the water coming down hard on my head as I watched Scar. She raised her arms out in the air, laughing as she stuck out her tongue to catch the raindrops. Her blonde hair became soaked and turned almost a shade of brown, washing away any red I was able to see. I wanted to be happy, but I couldn't bring myself to it. She spun in the rain, the water washing any dirt from her face. My eyes landed on the burning red scar across her cheek. Another thing I couldn't save her from.

"I think she saved my life," Carol said quietly to me. I hadn't realized that Carol was watching me watch Scar until I turned my head and she was looking towards her as well. "When Sophia died. And then again when the herd tore down the farm." My expression remained still, bringing my attention back towards Scar. She now lay on the pavement, laughing beside Glenn. "I think she saved your life, too," Carol stated.

And she was right. I hadn't realized it until we were separated at the mausoleum. She pulled me back out from the hole I had buried myself under. I had given up after the prison and if it weren't for her I don't think I'd be alive today. There was nothing good left, except for her. And after days of thinking she was dead, I didn't care if I was alive or not. Being in Joe's group was fine because my life didn't matter anymore. And when I found her ambushed by them, a gun pointed to her head, without thinking twice I offered my life up for them. For her. She still saved herself at that moment. If she didn't say what she did to Joe, we'd all be dead.

"She's a lot stronger than she thinks," I finally responded.

"She's stronger than all of us."

A much louder and more alarming crack of thunder boomed from above us, then the crackling didn't stop, one after another. We all snapped our heads around, staring at the dark grey clouds buzzing with lightning that rolled closer towards us. A storm was headed our way and fast.

"There's a barn!" I shouted at Rick, between all the thunder and Judith's crying it was hard to hear anyone speak.

"Where?" Rick yelled back. I simply threw my hand in the direction of the barn, telling them to follow me.

It didn't take us long at all to get there, but we were soaked to the bone by the time we did. I peered behind me, making sure Scar was still with us before Rick and I entered to clear it. He pushed one of the swinging doors in, his gun and flashlight the first to enter. I followed behind, jogging forward and covering him to his right. The air was thick with dusty shavings and dewy from the rain outside, but the beatdown barn held up well. Scar followed right behind me, her quiet footsteps trailing off from Rick's left. The space wasn't huge, but there were quite a few pieces of machinery we needed to look behind to make sure it was all clear. And it was. This place ain't much, but it was a roof over our head from the storm.

-------

We huddled around a small fire I attempted to throw together on top of an old pale lid so this entire place didn't go up in flames. Although the fire didn't give off much warmth, only some source of light for us as the dark of the night took over the barn. I threw the stick I was holding off to the side, everything was too damn wet. We could hear the wind whistling through the trees, angering them as the thunder and lightning continued.

"I'll try," Glenn said, picking up the stick I just threw.

"No, too wet," I stopped him, sitting back down beside Scar.

"He's gonna be okay," Carol spoke softly as she watched Rick look down at Carl and Judith sleeping. "He bounces back more than any of us do."

"I used to feel sorry for kids that have to grow up now. In this," Rick responded. "But I think I got it wrong. Growing up is getting used to the world. This is easier for them--"

"This isn't the world," Scar's soft voice cut Rick off, "I was just starting to experience the world and it was taken away from me."

"It might be now," Glenn said. She looked up at him, shocked by his response. "I might," he looked at her, disappointed by his own answer. But he was right, this was our world now. You take what you're given and you find a way to live with it.

"That's giving up," Scar fought.

"It's reality."

"Until we see otherwise, this is what we have to live with," Rick cut off their bickering, making it clear to Scar. She looked like she didn't want to accept it, but she understood. How could someone so small, with so much taken from her already, be so unafraid? "When I was a kid… I asked my grandpa once if he ever killed any Germans in the war. He wouldn't answer." Rick began his story. Although I wouldn't look at him, I listened intently, knowing he was going somewhere with this. "He said that was grown-up stuff, so… so I asked if any Germans had ever tried to kill him. But he got real quiet. He said he was dead the minute he stepped into enemy territory." Rick paused, Scar watched him closely. "Every day he woke up and told himself 'Rest in peace. Now get up and go to war.' And then after a few years of pretending that he was dead… he made it out alive. And that's the trick of it, I think." I finally looked up at Rick, he now talked to us, making sure we understood. "We do what we need to do and then we get to live. Because this is how we survive. We tell ourselves… that we are the walking dead."

I looked over at Scar again, watching her take in every word that Rick spoke. Eating it up like that was the key to survival, it was bullshit. This ain't how we survive. We survive because we are us and we do what we need to do, but we ain't them. So I said it.

"We ain't them," I cut Rick's speech short, fuming that he was even comparing us to those things. I began to get up, snapping some twigs to throw into the fire before I left.

"Hey," Rick called out.

I wouldn't look at him. I threw my sticks in the fire, standing up and grabbing my crossbow, "We ain't them," I said one last time, making sure they understood it.

I pushed open one of the stall doors, walking back over to the main entrance to keep watch, do something. Most people sat around the barn doing nothing, not sleeping just staring. There was no fight left in these people because they were allowing themselves to just survive. They were holding onto their lives by chance. They didn't care where they were or where they were going because they had given up. I paced back and forth, fuming. The doors swung open against the chains as the rain and wind kicked them in. They bounced off the lock repetitively. The claps of thunder made it hard to hear even your own thoughts, but that couple of seconds between them I heard it. Or I thought I did.

I stopped pacing, placing my crossbow against the wall and walking up closer to the crack in the door. I peered through, waiting for another strike of lighting to blaze up the forest. My heart dropped to my ass when it struck, the bolt lighting up thirty or so walker heads coming straight for the barn. I slammed the doors shut, closing the gap and pressing my body weight against them. I pulled the chain tighter, turning around and throwing my back against it waiting for them to plough through. They hit the door with a thud, digging my heels into the sand as I pushed back towards them. I grunted with the force it took to try and keep them back. Every time they plunged them back open I shoved them back closed, but I wouldn't be able to keep them back much longer on my own.

I changed my position, throwing the palms of my hands at the wood and digging my feet into the ground. My head swung to my left when the first person in here to realize what was coming, barreled her body against the barn doors. Scar looked up at me, she was scared, but of all things, a smile crept up onto her face when she caught my eye.

"We're not them," she said before shutting her eyes tight and using all her might to push them back with me.