Wish You Were Here

We got back to Alexandria late that night. Even though Deanna was grieving after the loss of her son, she interviewed us as soon as we broke the news to her. She questioned us separately, trying to get each of our stories straight. The last thing I wanted to do was retell and relive every detail of the day, but if it gave Deanna some peace of mind on how to move forward then so be it.

It had to be at least midnight by now. The air outside was warm, but the wind was brisk against my skin. The town was so quiet as I sit on the steps of our porch. I couldn't sleep, every time I closed my eyes I would see Noah's face against the glass. Screaming so loud like I was right back there with him. I couldn't imagine how much worse it would be for Glenn right now. But he at least had Maggie to keep him company. I felt like I had no one to talk to right now. Lincoln has been spending most of his time with Rosita and I didn't want to wake him now. And Daryl has been out on the road with Aaron for the last few days. I was alone with my thoughts again.

The sound of the front door creaking open caused me to snap my head around. Rick stepped out, his hands shoved in his pockets as he walked over to where I sat. He hovered over me quietly, waiting for me to speak first. I could tell he wanted to know what happened today, the same way Deanna did. He was our leader like she was theirs. He wanted to know the dangers of who we were living with and I had nothing but bad news for him.

"I couldn't sleep," I spoke softly. He knelt beside me, not looking over at me but down at his fingers.

There was a silence between us before he finally spoke, "Glenn was too angry to talk when he got back," he said. I knew exactly what he was asking of me. He knew he could rely on me to explain, to speak my mind with a level head.

"I can't tell you everything," I sighed, "I wasn't-- I wasn't there for all of it. I don't know how Glenn and Noah ended up in those revolving doors with Nicholas. But I do know that Glenn had him. He had Noah's hand and he had a plan and Nicholas was scared," I explained. Everyone had heard bits and pieces of the story already, but no one really knew why it happened. I ran my hands through my hair, starting from where it wall went wrong. "Aiden was shooting at a walker covered in gear. I saw the grenade on the suit. I tried to get him to stop shooting, but it went off. All the walkers were on us at that point and Aiden had been impaled on the wall. Nicholas was going to run, but we made him stay. We couldn't get Aiden out of there without help, Glenn needed help." I choked on my words. "The walkers got closer and he ran off. Glenn and Noah went after him while I went after Eugene and Tara. By the time I got to those revolving doors Nicholas was safe of the outside and-- and Glenn was inside them watching Noah get pulled apart." I looked over at Rick, he was watching me intently, his brows furrowed. "My first run as a leader and two people died and Tara is seriously injured."

Rick shook his head, "They don't know what they're doing. Any of them."

"We'll have to show them," I cut him off.

"I don't know if they can see it. How things really are. I don't know if they can yet. They haven't caught up," he tried to calm me down.

I looked over at him, "Rick, we have to be here. Nicholas is a fucking coward and I don't know how many more of him are in this group, but we have to be here." I fought.

"Yeah we do," he nodded his head, agreeing. "But their rules, we don't answer to them."

"We are them, Rick. We are now. That's the price of being here." I threw up my hands. "Do you really think what happened today would have happened to us before? This was an easy run. We are them now." Tears brimmed in my eye-line as I stared at him. "Noah, he believed in this place. I'm telling you we gotta make this place work. But to do that we have to make them us."

He was silent now, pondering what I was telling him. I couldn't read his face if he was fully taking in what I was saying or not. He slowly nodded his head, telling me that he'd consider it. I don't think he understands though, that we can't just overthrow the entire system they have been living with since day one. We would have to abide by their rules, but at the same time, we'd have to fight like hell to get them to where we are.

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It had been a sleepless night. The following day I attempted to keep my mind busy for the most part. I did some chores around the house this morning, I made breakfast for Lincoln and me, I made an effort to hang out with Carl and Judith while Rick had done a sweep of the town, and I just finished up visiting Tara in the infirmary.

I shoved my hands in my jean pockets as I walked slowly back down the road towards our house. I wished Daryl was here. He'd be due back with Aaron anytime now. Even though he lacked most words, he'd know exactly what to say to me to put my mind at ease. He would probably remind me that we can only have the people we have for as long as we could have them. But, in this case, I was so mad that I would probably fight him on that. Noah's death wasn't some freak accident or self-sacrifice or enemies doing. Nichola's killed him. He should be alive right now. He was ripped from our hands at no fault of his own.

Upon passing the pond in the middle of the town, the corner of my eye caught the glimpse of the striking platinum blonde hair. I stopped in my tracks, staring at the back of Shannon's head. She sat on the bench under a gazebo overlooking the water. I could hear the sounds of children's voices laughing and squealing further down in front of her. I couldn't see them, but I could tell she was keeping an eye on them. I didn't owe that woman a damn thing, but I still felt the need to talk to her. She loved Roy and Roy loved her and whether I liked it or not she was family.

I turned on my heel, walking down the stone pathway to the gazebo. Small apple trees hung low over the pathway, clearly being planted not too long ago. The grass surrounding was a rich green without a weed in sight. I hadn't been over to this area of the town yet, but it was beautiful. Somewhere your mind could truly escape from the reality of what lay beyond Alexandria's walls.

I could feel my anxiety rise in my chest as I neared her, not knowing how'd she'd take to me. Enough time has passed since the welcoming party that our emotions wouldn't be heightened. But, Shannon had always been a vindictive person. It was her way or no way at all. She was stubborn and strong-willed and I believe that is why we clashed so much. We were a lot alike. Although, I could also be level-headed and that's something she could never do.

"Can I sit?" I asked, my voice low and calm.

Shannon whipped her head around, not seeing me coming. She looked at me for a long while. Her brows furrowed before they softened, "Yeah," she breathed out, turning her gaze back to the children playing in the grass just in front of the gazebo banister. There were two girls and a boy, all of them fairly young. We were quiet for quite a while, each of us not knowing what to say to the other. Our eyes remained on the children. "I'm sorry," she finally said, her voice barely above a whisper. "What I did. It was-- it was unforgivable. I didn't even know you were with the group that arrived and when I saw you all my anger towards the world bubbled up and I lashed out on you."

I sucked in a breath, understanding the feeling. She humiliated me. She sent me spiralling into a whirlwind of emotions and guilt that I tried to avoid for so long. But, now I also understood her anger. She believed that I was the reason Roy was ripped away from her. I could put myself in her shoes and I know I'd be angry as well. I didn't know what to say back to her, I didn't want to delve into everything that happened that day or the day I found him. It wouldn't help either of us. But, I also wanted to give her some peace.

"I'm not Roy's annoying teenage sister anymore, Shannon," I shook my head, and she huffed out a small laugh, "I do forgive you." She finally looked over at me, her deep brown eyes telling me that for the first time she truly did regret her actions. How much the new world had changed the both of us. "I held a funeral for him," I then said, "I gave him a proper burial. He rests on a hill of a farm that looked an awful lot like my parent's house, where the grass grows tall and the flowers grow wild," I explained. I watched as a small smile crept up her face, that peace I was wanting to give her, settling in.

She then turned her head back towards the kids, wiping away the tears at the brim of her waterline, "Alexander," she called out, "come here, honey." I watched as the little boy turned his head and looked over at us. He used both of his hands to help himself up off of the grass. His feet stepped clumsily on the ground as he tried to find his footing over to the gazebo. His blond hair glistened in the sun from the cloudless day and my heart stopped beating for the fraction of the second that he looked up at me with those deep blue eyes. He raced into Shannon's lap, squeezing himself in between her legs and steadying himself. "Scar, I'd like you to meet your nephew."

I laughed out as tears pricked my eyes, blurring my vision. A smile plastered across my face as I leaned down to his level, taking in his every feature. He had Shannon's naturally platinum hair, but the facial features were indistinguishably Roy's. The thick dark eyelashes, the high cheekbones and chubby cheeks, the head-turning blue eyes. "Hi," I breathed out, my voice a couple of octaves higher. All I could think was I wished that Ben could be here to see him. All of those days trapped in Atlanta we had thought the baby didn't make it because we couldn't get back in time. Ben died thinking that. But, here he was. Happy and healthy. Ben would have been over the moon. "What did you say his name is?" I asked.

"Alexander," she answered, "after your father."

I looked up at her, my breath was taken away from me. Maybe Shannon wasn't as heartless as I once thought. A smile beamed on my face as I reached out to grab his little hand in mine. He was shy, snuggling deeper into Shannon, but he still grabbed on tight to my fingers. "Nice to meet you, Alexander, I'm Scarlett--"

The moment was ripped away from me upon hearing the sound of glass shattering in the distance. Shouting pierced my eardrums and my stomach dropped down to my feet. My head whipped upwards, Shannon's also snapping around towards the commotion. She immediately stood up, scooping up Alex into her arms and rushing around towards the two girls.

"Stay here!" I called out to her, my feet already running back down the pathway. My boots hit the road as people already began to whiz by me and toward the commotion. There was another scream and I took off in a sprint down the street. I turned the corner, seeing a group of people huddled around two men wrestling around on the pavement. Everyone looked unsure of what to do.

My pace slowed as I saw it was Rick pinned under another man. He was the town's doctor, I believe his name to be Pete. His wife Jesse stood by the sidelines, crying as she watched the madness unfold. Both men were covered in blood as they beat the shit out of each other before hurling through the house window. Both men had each other by the throat, Pete on top. Jesse lunged forward, attempting to remove Pete from Rick. Pete threw his arm up, backhanding the woman off of him. Then Rick kneed him in the gut, flipping Pete over so he was on top.

"Carl, don't!" I called out, watching as he tried to put a stop to Rick. Carl ran up to his father grabbing him by the shoulder to try and get Rick to snap out of it. Rick as well threw his arm back, pushing Carl off of him. I reached my hands out catching Carl as he stumbled sideways from the force. Rick then lunged forward, twisting his body and getting Pete in a headlock.

"Stop! Stop it, right now!" Deanna shouted, finally reaching the scene. Rick finally looked up at her, his arm's still firmly around Pete's neck.

"You touch them again and I'll kill you," Rick hissed out to Pete. I furrowed my brows, wondering what the hell he was talking about. How did he end up here?

"Damnit, Rick! I said stop!" Deanna yelled, her voice hoarse with anger.

Rick softened his grip, looking like he was letting Pete go as the men rushed in to help the nearly unconscious man.

"Or what?" Rick called out, pulling a gun from the back of his belt. He clicked the safety off, the quiet click sending everyone flying backwards and away from him. He had lost it. "You gonna kick me out?" he asked. His hair was damp with blood, staining almost three-quarters of his face from the shards of glass and punches he endured.

"Put that gun down, Rick," Deanna now spoke softly to him. Her arms raised ever so slightly to try and diffuse the situation.

He shook his head aggressively, still trying to catch his breath as he heaved in air, "You still don't get it. None of you do!" He screamed, swinging around. He held the gun carelessly, whipping it around as his body did. He looked dangerous, unhinged. "We know what needs to be done and we do it. We're the ones who live. You, you just sit and plan and hesitate. You pretend like you know when you don't. You wish things weren't what they are. Well, you want to live? You want this place to stay standing?" It was like he was taking everything we talk about last night, but twisting it in all the wrong ways. He didn't understand what I meant at all. He was still ignoring every rule they had in place all while telling them they were the ones in the wrong. "Your way of doing things is done. Things don't get better because you want them to. Starting right now, we have to live in the real world. We have to control who lives here."

Deanna's face looked shocked before it hardened firmly into a scowl, "That's never been more clear to me than it is right now." She lifted her chin to Rick, staring down at him with an obscene amount of anger.

"Me? Me? You-- you mean me?" Rick nearly laughed. "Your way is gonna destroy this place," his face hardened, "It's gonna get people killed. It's already gotten people killed. And I'm not gonna stand by and just let it happen. If you don't fight, you die. I'm not gonna just stand by--"

My eyes blinked hard and I jumped out of my boots when Michonne ran up behind Rick, elbowing him as hard as she possibly could in the back of the head. Rick's body limply hit the pavement, finally shutting him up. Everything that Rick had said was true, but we all knew that everything that he did today, the way he went about it, Deanna would not tolerate. We needed this place and I feared that Rick just screwed us out of it.