199. That's when I let go of Adam

"I think you should go to the store and get more appropriate cloths....." He suggested. I turned my head through my shoulder and looked at my reflection in the mirror. My body was still covered in love bites and God it was humiliating. I was in the candid nightie from yesterday and it was almost noon. My hair was puffy resembling a look from after an electric shock experience. I needed a bath. Am pretty sure DJ was just being polite otherwise he would point out that I was stinking. I turned back to him and nodded.

"I guess I do, I feel naked...." I sighed hugging my self hoping my hands would cover me up.

"You ARE naked!" He raised his eyebrow emphasizing his point and looking the other way.

"No....am wearing a nightie...."

"Which is as good as not wearing anything. It's see through....and we can literally see through. How did you walk all the way here like this???" He asked in disbelief and I felt embarrassed. He was right. How did I walk all the way like this?

"What happened between you and Philippe ???" He asked and I turned my gaze at him from the mirror. He gave me an assuring look, asking me to tell him. I looked the other way and clasped my two hands together and then turned to him.

"To be frank, I don't really remember but it started with a pillow fight and then a hug....." I began.

"No...no... Oh God No...that's ...that's not what I meant....I mean what happened? Exactly....I know you know what I mean. Why are you here like this? Philippe wouldn't have let you go like this....." He gazed at me with an angry look on his face making me feel hideous like a whole. He was right. How could I walk like this?

"He...he was...still sleeping when I left....." My vision became blurred and I knew it was because of the tears I had in my eyes. I quickly dried them before he could see but it was too late.

"Seems like you got what you wanted. Why are you crying then???" He asked in a mocking manner and I could totally understand him. I messed with his friend and he had the right to give me an earful.

"Do you even care about him at all??? Huh?"

"Excuse me???" I asked defensively. "Of course I do...I just..."

"You just what?? Used him ..isn't that right...???"

"No...." I sobbed and shook my head in denial. I never used Philippe. I was just unsure of what exactly was going on between us.

"Yes! That's the truth. After your boyfriend dumped you....you find good old Philippine and used him as your channel to let out all your anger and frustration..." He accused me and I cried bitterly at his accusations.

"No....you misunderstand me.....please don't say that....that's not true.....I love ...." I paused not sure of how the statement should end.

"That's so untrue!! We don't run from who we love. Here you are and you can't even admit to the feelings you have for him despite the fact that he's not even here!!! Argh! Philippe is such a nice man. He keeps himself from all these behaviours and is master of celibacy itself. He's never been so close to a woman so much as to hold her hand but you....he actually slept with you....now tell me why is that??????" He asked and I was still shivering from were I was standing.

My face was wet with tears and my heart was racing with fear. What was the purpose of rescuing me if he planned to shower me with these hot arrows?? I'd rather be left dealing with Jeanine than going through this. But to be fair, he was telling the truth. It's not until now that I realise leaving was a very bad decision. I should've stayed there with him, waited until he woke up and talk it out like adults. Why didn't I think of that??

"Am talking to you!!!!" He grabbed my hand and shook me causing me to gasp in fright. One look at him and I shrunk my head in my neck, about to start crying again.

"What's your agenda for getting to close to him and running away the next second??"

"I don't know....." I replied while looking at him. Immediately, I turned around and sat on the floor leaning on the bed as I cried out.

"Girls like you are ungrateful. You find a very loving man but you only use him to get what you want and then say it was all a mistake. Very pathetic....how can love be a mistake! How can it? Do you think it's easy for someone to cope with such trauma after such a highest level of intimacy?? Are you kidding me...?? We have hearts too!!...." He told me off and I knew that I messed with the wrong prince. I understood what Donnelly was talking about and part of it told me he was experiencing a very awful déjà vu. Looking at him, I wondered if those words were meant for me or for someone else. DJ had his own secrets to handle and I knew my case was similar to his.

After listening to his speech, I couldn't help but feel even more terrible. I had done something wrong and their was no running from it. I was in the wrong and the only thing I needed to do to rectify this was to apologize. I had to say sorry to Philippe but I wouldn't. I just couldn't. I didn't know why yet.

I sniffed and dried my face, also clearing the snots. In a rush, he stood up from his seat and walked to the door.

"Sharyn!!!" He called and in less than a minute, a beautiful girl walked into the room. She bowed before DJ and awaited his command. She was young; about 5' 4" in height. She was slim and had gorgeous brown hair pulled up in a ponytail but reaching the length of her butt. Her skin was white and reminded me of Iridessa. I'd bet money they were related but her wardrobe would be the sole reason I'd lose.

This Sharyn, was wearing a black pencil skirt with a white shirt and black flats and that was definitely not Iridessa's taste. She was more of the princess in a gown. Literally.

"Ma'am...." He began, turning to me but I quickly cut him.

"Eleanor....."

"Eleanor....this is Sharyn. She will help you with everything you need...." I nodded and looked at Sharyn who still had her head bowed before me. I was about to question her mannerism then I remembered most rich people had bitten off aristocracy. Too much rules, structure and routine. I couldn't.

"Be sure to attend to every single need of hers. She needs to have a meal and go to the mall to pick a few clothing before she can return to her house. She's my guest....I don't want to hear a single complaint from her...." He instructed and she nodded obediently.

"I can assure you by my god's, she won't hit the ground running...." Sharyn promised and I widened my eyes clasping my lips in shock.

"If she says she wants water this minute and decided not the next....abide by it....." He continued and I suddenly sat up. He was making a big deal out of this. Sharyn, then raised her face to look him in the eye.

"I promise I will pay with my life....." She responded all calm minded. No shiver of fear in her. Wow. I watched as he walked out and shut the door behind leaving me with her. She seemed relieved after he left the room. I sensed tension in this house but I dare not poke my nose. I was only a guest and it was wise to leave my foot not my mouth.

"Good afternoon ms Eleanor. How may I be of assistance to you right now??" She asked politely. I couldn't help but wonder why DJ would speak harshly to such a sweet soul. From the look of it, her actions revealed a harsh penalty behind misconduct.

"Umm....I would kill for a hot bath right now..." I sighed sinking my head between my shoulders. "Although a glass of water first won't hurt...."

"Right away ...." She left for the kitchen and carried with her a jag of water as she came along. She poured some and handed it to me. While I drank, she went to what seemed like the bathroom and I heard the sound of water pour. I placed the glass down and followed behind her.

"What else would you love in your bath, ma'am? We have milk, honey, freshly plucked lavender and rose petals, rose water, epskom salt and even olive oil. Also, uplift and energize with this revitalizing combo that can also boost concentration and focus. Lemon; rosemary; thyme....we have them all...."

Wow was what my reaction spelled. I've always known the importance of bathing with added products to the water. Rejuvenation, exfoliation, softening. All these were important processes.

" If you are looking for a natural scrub, oatmeal should be your first option, ma'am. I'll add a cup of oatmeal to the bath water and you soak yourself in this water for half an hour...." I was fascinated.

"Oh really?" I asked placing my hand on my mouth.

"Yes...we even have the finest available right now. Ordered from Russia..." She grinned and showed me a container she clung tightly to. As much as all this was interesting, it seemed weird to me.

"So... what'd you like?" She asked again excited hoping I'd pick at least one thing after her heavy lecture on which is which and why that is that.

"I'd love a plain water bath. Room temperature...."

I asked Sharyn to place a pillow for me in the bathtub and she did. She placed it right at the edge and after sinking my body in, I rested my head right on the pillow. It felt good. The warm water melted my misery and sank along with it through the draining hole, so I thought.

As the hot steam rose and filled the entire room, I felt a pressure I've never felt pushing me to be who I was and not who circumstances made me to be. For a very long time, I had been shaped by people's opinions about me and embraced a passion for perfection. I couldn't be the girl with a dirty record.

I couldn't be the girl who messed up her lines.

I couldn't date an ordinary man.

I had to love him like he loved me.

I had to balance my gait in a six inch shoe and rock it like a super star.

I had to have a tiny waist and smooth skin.

I had to be a lot of things at once and I barely noticed how it poisoned and corrupted my soul. Nobody's perfect, and I learnt it the hard way.

I had witnessed so much of a person being born, growing and dying. I had a preview of the circle of life right in front of my eyes and came to a conclusion that death was the end of it.

Except for the differing sequence of events in the end, we are all people who would eventually age, wrinkle away and disappear. Why do we struggle to live so tenaciously as if we're experiencing a war? But of course we are. At war with the society, with social norms and ideologies, with ourselves and other's opinions of us. We are at war with everything and it's pathetic and futile that death was given a praise in all this.

But, after experiencing life in rehab and thinking about death I came to a realization; there is no-one who lives for death. What's important in life, is living in that moment. So much so that even if the outcome or the end of a particular thing has been determined, we can still be happy and continue to live.

It's simple. Yet it took me a very long time to realise.

I had grown.

I smiled and sat up in the water, resting my chin on my knees. I hugged my legs and closed my eyes thinking; rather recalling a particular day at the rehabilitation centre.

"Ms. Eleanor....there's someone here to see you. She says she's your aunt...." The security guard called me through the surveillance system installed in the centre. No one would be allowed into the room of a patient unless the patient confirmed to let that person in.

My case was a bit different. I couldn't speak or walk. I couldn't sit or stand or do anything. I just let my lifeless body lie on the bed and only the nurse would come in to clean me. I was beginning to rot alive I guess.

Hearing that my aunt had visited was something that gave me joy. I felt alive in a long time knowing that she remembered me. I was more than happy beyond expression and decided to press the buzzer on the stool to let them, let her in. But then, I held myself back and thought for a second.

I remembered I also hated her. I remembered how she chased me from her house and how terribly she treated me the day I visited her. I remembered how our relationship had turned sour and how we were disgusted by the mere sight of each others faces. When desire overtakes reason, the human mind often deviates off the scale of righteousness and that is what happened to us.

I thought and withdrew my hand. Tears flowed down my face, wetting my pillow. I didn't want to see her. Why was she here now? To see how terrible I was doing? To measure how much humiliation I'd taken in and for how long I'd be living in the centre? She was mistaken.

But now, that am more sane and humane, I reflected upon it and realised am the one who lost. All the people who trusted me as their close friend, to those who called me angelic and beautiful and yet meant every word: to all those people, I had been dishonest. Since I couldn't vent sincerely to anyone, it became festered and useless.

That's when I decided to let go of Adam. So I could live my life happily, just the way I deserved.