Reminiscing

She was not from this world or she remembers a different life than what she has now. Her first life was not as tragic as others but she was not as happy as other people too.

She remembers when she first woke up in this world. It was dark but comfortable. She had always wanted to just do nothing and just be inactive in the dark, and she thought this is it the event that she'd been praying for.

Her past life at first, was enjoyable, playing games with her friends and family and being as innocent and ignorant of the world.

Sadly, her mind matured faster than others, and the things she ignored before were noticed by her.

She grew sensitive and noticed that she doesn't have parents by her side and she only have her grandmother and other relatives. She knows that her mother writes and sometimes calls her and sometimes her dad calls her too.

At that time she realizes that her family is different, her parents are abroad working for their family because the economy of the Philippines is poor and the salary is not great.

She understands this but she longs to be cared for by her parents like her other peers. She longs to be noticed and hugged by her parents. She longs for careful teaching and corrections in her assignments. She longs so many times for someone to be there for her from the start but she was left behind because of the love that they have for her.

Maybe that was the reason why she died earlier because no one cared for her feelings and more about how she spent their money.

If you ask anyone they can say that she grew up ok. She was quiet and smart but no one notices how she has no friends after school, unlike her brother.

She grew tired of life as she only enjoys reading if she only has that switch, which will make her energetic and optimistic maybe she will not climb a mountain and hopes to never wake up.

She was not always tired of life. At some point, she strives hard to be someone that could support her family, bring peace to Mindanao, and contribute to research for the betterment of the people, but she feels like she was the only one on the battleground.

If you think about it, a person can never achieve something just by pure determination alone because storms can't be faced head-on without a home to provide shelter.

And she never thought that she will have a second life that she did not pray for because the moment she closed her eyes at the mountain, she never wants to open them.

Sadly, life was not over for her. So, in that comfortable, warm darkness she sleeps and never thought that an adventure of a lifetime is waiting for her.

In the dark, she remembers floating and enjoying it. She remembers the time in the white sand beach in Saranggani she would be swimming in the morning, which she loves doing because it was a freeing experience, the sun was just rising and facing it was like her day too is starting to be colored from dark to bright.

She also remembers a time when she sneaks into the clubhouse of their subdivision in the middle of the night just to float on the water and watch the sky. The stars were shining and the pool was surrounded by trees and it feels like she is the only one in the world. The wind was cold but the water feels warm. It was peaceful as if no one can touch her and nothing else matters.

Looking up at the stars she hopes that time would stop and just let her float and she wonders if this is how floating in space would feel like. The freedom to breathe deeply and feel the gentle nothingness.

She was often alone at home because her brother wants to stay with his friends and her relatives go home to their hometown and no one contacts her from school even though she have friends. She wonders if something is wrong with her that causes people to ignore her or forget her.

Maybe despite the funny things she does or how she smiles and nonchalantly agrees with the ridicule she receives made people disinterested in her.

She often tries to fit in with her environment but she seems to always be left behind. After some time she never tried again and just read books or go to the library. At least she feels something from reading than in reality.

Maybe that was why she never thought that she would have a second life to live after the first one. It was because she never thought she deserves it and she never did something worthwhile that would lead to reincarnation.

In her country, there was only heaven or hell after death and suicide is a big sign of going to hell. She won't even be accepted in the church for the funeral that was why she climbed the mountain so no one would find her and at least she would be a fertilizer for the plants. She knows logically that her family will try to find her but no one will think that she committed suicide because in their hometown there's infighting between two religions and her family might just think that she was gone and been thrown away. She just hopes that she won't ignite a war between the two religions but she is just a small person so maybe they won't care.

She just wants to feel happy and be relieved of all things. She thinks that her family would be fine because her brother is reliable and maybe her mother would come home now and be happy without her.

She smiles while thinking that, then she heard vague noises that disturb her comfortable silence. She tilt her head to the direction of the noise and she did not understand what was said but she felt scared. She wants the blissful ignorance and quiteness. She curled up and tried to achieve the comfort that she felt before the noise.

"Baby, your mommies are waiting for you. Just grew up as slowly as you like we are here for you." the deep ethereal voice said but Emma did not understand it and just turn her head away to try to calm down.

"Hey, she won't understand you." another voice said. This time the voice is softer and gentle with a tone of teasing. That was her first memory in this life full of reminiscing and vague voices that now she knows as her mothers talking to each other and to her.