Ch39. Life mission

The two stunned people looked at each other, neither knowing what to do.

Tony stared at Natasha, his eyes demanding he lowered his gaze to the juicy bits but his mind was screaming at him... Well, Tony was not sure if it was screaming yes or no but something, even he had no idea what, prevented him from listening to his male instincts as he lost himself in her emerald eyes that oozed veiled embarrassment and repressed desire.

Natasha stared at Tony, her mind mind-numbingly blank, only replaying the previous scene of her kissing him. And at that moment, the feelings Natasha subconsciously decided to ignore became glaringly obvious and she realized what she felt for Tony.

It made her utterly stunned for a second as she stared in disbelief at Tony's face, seeing he was just as shocked as she was but for a different reason.

Later on, Natasha would wonder what happened to her since any form of shyness was supposed to have been erased from her in the Red Room but right now, her mind had more pressing matters to think about.

And for the very first time in a very long time, Natasha felt self-conscious. It was such a weird and foreign feeling for her that she couldn't help but hurriedly run away.

Tony watched her bare back swiftly retreating, noticing a hint of crimson hue on her cheeks and when she turned at the first corner, his gaze slowly relocated to the innocently lying towel on the ground nearby.

Like... this was totally not his fault!

...

Natasha arrived in her room, her mind completely somewhere else as she slammed the door shut and started erratically pacing around while biting her lower lip in slight frustration and concentration.

Her momentary shyness already fell during her way to her room and now her mind was fully focused on... what to do.

Natasha knew how to pique man's interest in hundred ways. She was taught how to read people's behavior, how to send the correct signals through her body language, how to set a mood with a simple conversation, how to clothe herself to impress various types of men, how to portray a picture her target would find attractive...

That all was her training as a seductress in the Red Room. She might not have liked that part of her life and job, that's why she didn't use it too much except for some slight manipulation here and there, but she could do it with ease.

As Natasha's mind switched to her 'work' mode, she started analyzing the situation and found out that Tony Stark wasn't all that hard nut to crack. He was clearly attracted to her and she could easily get him to bed her in numerous ways.

Natasha grimaced at this cold, calculating, and impersonal thought but... this was how she was raised and she didn't know any other way to cope with her situation. She could let her mind coldly analyze the situation and find out a solution while hoping for the best.

The problem with Tony was that he knew her. He knew her to a degree no self-respecting spy would ever allow someone to know him or her.

Tony knew her quirks, the last remnants of her body language, he knew how to irritate her... and she was very glad he did not use it often, rather opting to go through a light-hearted argument with her when he was bored which amused both of them... and most importantly, Tony knew her past and how her mind worked.

He thought she would betray him at the drop of a hat if the situation demanded it. If lives were on the line and she had to choose between Tony and saving innocents, Tony had no illusion that she would have chosen him.

To be honest, he had a reason to think that. What she did to Bruce was not nice but the world depended on it.

But as Natasha thought about Tony being in Bruce's place... all the moments they spent together, all the petty mock arguments they had together that made her sleep lighter in the night and feel appreciated, it all flashed through her mind.

And Natasha's hand in her mind stopped short of pushing Tony. She... realized she could not force herself to make that decision.

She didn't want to make that decision.

And that was her death right there and then. Indecisiveness killed and Natasha abruptly stopped the small simulation in her mind, finding herself back at Tony's house in Malibu, in front of a wall in her room before she impulsively punched it, shivering as the pain shot through her body and forcefully cooled down her emotions.

She knew she had to make a decision.

Her aspirations to be a better person or Tony Stark. She had to choose one.

Maybe normal people could do both but Natasha couldn't. She was always taught to give her all to her mission. She knew nothing else. She could not live in another way. It was impossible for her. So much so, she didn't even want to try it.

In her previous life, Natasha's 'mission', the one she gave herself and therefore the one that was most precious to her, was to be a better person. To atone for her past crimes and redeem herself.

And she gave it her all, even sacrificing her life in the process. Her training in the Red Room taught her that her mission came first and that's exactly what she used to negate her fear of death when she forced Barton to let her go at that cliff.

She knew she would die. But her life was insignificant. She had to complete her mission.

But Tony's path was different. If she wanted to be with him, Natasha knew she would have to change her 'mission'.

As of now, she and Tony were friends but he wasn't keeping her in check or trying to control her. Natasha knew if she wanted to leave, Tony would show her the door and even hold them for her with a big smile as she left. Even if the smile was slightly fake.

That thought for some reason hurt...

No... if she wanted to pursue her emotions, Natasha had to dedicate herself to this. She knew that much.

Taking a deep breath, Natasha closed her eyes and prepared herself for making a life-changing decision.

But her eyebrows furrowed in confusion after a moment.

Surprisingly, changing her personal 'mission' came far too easy. She felt no regret, no desire to cling to her previous goal, no irrational fear, driven to her by her training due to abandoning the previous mission.

It was extremely weird. Natasha was prepared to spend a few days mentally conditioning herself, changing her mindset to match her current goal. Such a thing should not be easy for her but...

That's when Natasha's eyes opened with shock as she realized her 'mission' was changing for quite a bit of time now without her even realizing it.

She could only wryly chuckle at that. Tony really had a massive effect on her and she had no idea.

A hard determination filled her green eyes as Natasha set her mind to accomplishing her new goal. It wasn't to seduce Tony. She would not do that. He meant too much for her.

No. Her new mission was to live for Tony Stark. To live for the man who showed her how to feel genuine love again.

That... felt more appropriate to Natasha.

And the biggest obstacle in this new mission of hers was Tony's distrust of her.

With a circular motion of her hand, Natasha opened a portal to the room of The Ancient One before resolutely walking through.

She quickly found Tao who was leisurely enjoying her tea and lifted an eyebrow at Natasha when she spotted her. It wasn't yet time for their get-together so...

Before The Ancient One could open her mouth, Natasha frantically spoke, "You mentioned something about ways of preventing betrayal when we first visited Tony's base on Mars. I need your help."

Tao impassively observed Natasha in front of her and Natasha returned her gaze with her own determined one, showing she was completely serious.

After a while, Tao chuckled, "I think you need some clothes first, Nat."

Natasha's mind blanked and her mouth wordlessly opened... only now she realized she lost her towel when...

'Oh...' Natasha's mind quickly went through the sequence of the prior events and found out when she became naked. She involuntarily remembered the look Tony was giving her after she kissed him and pulled away...

There was only one response that came to her mind at that moment. 'Shit.'