CHAPTER 9

It was indeed a memory.

"Please tell me that was just a nightmare."

"Please," I beg him.

I cannot believe this. No.

I don't want to. At once all the air is knocked out of me.

The look in his eyes confirms everything that I need to know.

I don't know what to say.

All I feel is numb.

My body.

My mind.

It's all numb.

I can only feel silent tears rolling down my face.

"Maahi, please look at me. You need to breathe baby. You are holding your breath. Damn it Maahi! "

I can hear his distant voice.

My brain cannot register anything he says. I know he's holding me, shaking me but I can't feel anything.

I can't move.

All I know is my parents are no more.

And I am alone.

Not in a million years did I expect to wake up to anything close to this.

God must be playing a cruel game.

I can't wrap my mind around the fact that I will never be able to see them again, hug them again.

Tell them how much I love them.

And that breaks my silent fathom into hysterical sobs.

I don't know how much more I can take before I crumble down to pieces.

Now that the numbness is gone, I feel the pain hit me in full force.

I am slightly aware that he is beside me all long. Just holding me.

I don't know for how long I cry.

Seconds turn into minutes.

And minutes into hours.

As my sobs turn into slow hiccups, and my mind and vision are all a blur. I can hear him whisper all kinds of words to soothe me.

It's like a deja vu. I remember being in this pain before. Just that no one was there to console me the last time.

I just remember the feeling of taking the pain all alone.

Losing your loved ones once is painful.

But losing them twice is something beyond any amount of words can explain.

Somewhere deep inside I knew something was wrong.

It's never happened till now that I am in trouble and my parents don't come running for me.

I guess on some level I knew something isn't right.

I was just not ready to face it. I wanted to take one step at a time.

Losing 5 years of my life is already a huge thing to digest.

My head feels heavy and light at the same time.

My vision is still blurred because of the tears that just don't seem to stop.

And my hiccups have subsided but not the pain.

"Close your eyes and try to sleep, baby."

I can hear him say softly.

I realize I am lying down with my head on his chest.

There is nothing else I can do, nothing else I want to do.

I just want to close my eyes and escape from this cruel reality.

There is so much I want to know, so many questions to ask, so much that I need to know, but right now all I can do is put my tired body and mind to rest.

The exhaustion takes over and I allow myself to fall asleep and let his heartbeat lull me to sleep.

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The moment I wake up it takes me a moment to realize where I am.

My head is throbbing.

As I open my eyes and take in my surroundings moments of last night replay in my mind and I bolt straight on my bed.

Bad move.

The throbbing only turns worse and I feel dizzy.

My mind plays the last night events,

The horrible nightmare.

The cruel truth.

And it slices my heart.

I want answers.

When did it all happen?

How did I end up here in Mumbai?

What about all of my relatives?

Why haven't they come at least to get me? Am I still in touch with them?

The door opens breaking my thoughts.

I see that he is freshly showered as he walks in. He has a tray filled with coffee, pancakes, and water.

"Hi," he says unsure of what else to say.

I just look away, I need neither of these things until I know what's happening in my life.

I don't want to live in this mystery anymore.

"I made breakfast, your favorite. Banana pancakes with maple syrup." He says as he places the tray on the nightstand. He almost looks scared to talk.

Unsure of how I would react.

I want to say that I have never eaten pancakes before. Not in the life I remember. But nevermind.

"Why don't you go freshen up? They will turn col...."

Without another word I get up and walk inside the bathroom before he finishes the sentence.

I hear him sigh behind me.

I know I am putting him in a lot of pain too but right now I need one selfish moment for myself.

As I look into the mirror I take in how I look. My eyes are bloodshot due to the horrible amount of crying I did last night.

of my hair is all messy and tangly. My nose is a deep shade of red.

In short, I am a disaster.

Tears spring into my eyes as I remember the time when my mom used to tease me saying I resemble a circus clown whenever I cry.

It was her way of trying to get me to smile.

The thought still brings a smile to my face.

I pull myself out before I crumble down on the bathroom floor and start crying again.

I quickly brush my teeth and wash my face and pull my messy hair into a messy bun.

I try to hold myself up. I need answers. I need to know why he hid it from me even though I asked him numerous times.

As I walk out I see him sitting in the same position, just that my bed is done now.

He looks deep in thought.

Now that I notice he has black circles around his eyes too, indicating he didn't sleep well either.

As I walk closer he looks up at me and gives a smile.

"We need to talk," I say, my expression neutral.

He nods and also looks terrified.

I take a seat on the bed right across him.

"Why didn't you tell me ?" I ask slowly even though it's a hurricane inside me.

"I was going to tell you, but I never found the right time, and..."

"Never found the right time? What do you mean never found the right time? Well let me see, I distinctly remember asking you for them more than once." I say, my eyes piercing into his.

I am losing my calm. But I need to know. He cannot dodge it anymore.

"Yes, I know. But that wasn't the right time to tell you. You were still getting used to this entire thing and me telling you that would make the situation worse. I couldn't increase your stress levels. You are just out of a coma Maahi." He says.

"So? You thought it was better to keep me in the dark."

"I was not keeping you in the dark. I was just protecting you. I already thought I lost you once. It's just been 2 days since I got you back Maahi. I couldn't rush about anything. "

Even though I know whatever he's saying is true and makes perfect sense I let rage take over me. I can't keep all of these feelings inside me. They need to come out. And they come out in the form of rage. Rage directing towards the one person that doesn't deserve this.

"Then I guess knowing this way was better uh," I remark sarcastically.

"Knowing it by literally experiencing the whole incident again. I guess that worked out well."

He looks lost, he runs his hand through his hair. By now I have known that he does it when he's nervous or irritated.

"That wasn't my intention Maahi, I didn't know..."

"Didn't know what? That it would all come rushing back to me in sort of a cruel nightmare?" I cut him off.

"Do you even know how it was to experience that terrible nightmare only to wake up and know it was not just a nightmare? " I ask, my voice cracking.

I shudder as the dream constantly plays in my mind.

He tries to come closer to me but stops when I raise my hand.

"Don't. I need answers."

He nods as he looks devastated.

"When? When did it happen?" I ask.

What he says next breaks my heart into even more tiny pieces if it's even possible.

"5 years back."