the dangers of tolerance

it didn't exactly turn out like harry imagined for it to.

he thought that he'd be coming over to check on his boy, and whatever state that he'd find him in, he'd hold for as long as he was allowed. then, they'd talk about their feelings, maybe even establish what exactly their relationship was, cuddle and kiss a bit, and happily ever after.

but it wasn't so perfect, and it would never be, really.

harry looked back up at louis as they were both standing in the bathroom, suddenly becoming aware of the bloodied tissues in the trash bin and of louis, who was stood distraught right in front of him. "lou… lou, listen to me-"

"stop. please, just get out for a second. i'm not asking you to leave. go sit and watch tv or something. i'll be right out," louis pleaded, "i'll be fine. please, just do this one thing for me, and i won't ask any more of you. ever."

there was no way harry could fight back. and even if he had, louis would just look at him with those huge puppy-dog eyes of his, and harry would break even more. "o-okay. but be safe okay? i'll come check on you if you aren't out in a half hour."

louis laughed dryly, to which harry let out a sigh of relief at, because things must be looking up if the boy had the energy to be sarcastic. "i'm not going to kill myself while you're here if that's what you're worried about."

so all harry could do was turn around and give louis some time. however many minutes passed felt like an eternity. but he just had to pace around the living room, which could hardly be called that because it certainly didn't feel like anything or anyone was living in it. the pacing only gave him closure for a short period, so he began to clean the place up. at least it would be a somewhat productive use of his time.

there was half eaten sandwiches on the ground which louis had clearly tried to eat but couldn't bring himself to, molding fruits, empty wrappers, napkins full of food that's been chewed and spat. it made harry queasy to look at and think about, but he stomached it and got the place somewhat more presentable. what the smell was from, he still couldn't but his finger on.

the door of the bathroom cracked open, causing light to spill through to the rest of the apartment. ironic, but louis looked truly looked otherworldly in the light, as if he himself were the source of it. and he very well could be. it'd be more fitting than the cold, sterile-looking white bulbs that still taunted harry about what he saw not even an hour before.

"you could have turned on a lamp, you know," louis said lightly, much more stable than before. "sorry for the mess though. i promise it's not usually like this."

harry was speechless for a second, unable to form words at the sight of the ocean boy, still holding all this trash in his hands as louis turned on a light. "oh, i didn't mind the dark. and it's alright, i already knew you were a mess with how you leave so many socks at my place," harry chuckled, before entering a more serious tone. "so… are we going to talk about it?"

"no," louis replied quickly, not even giving it so much as a second thought. "we won't. there's nothing to talk about, really. again, i'm sorry you had to walk in on me like that. but i can handle myself fine." his blue eyes were ice cold, his face stony. harry suddenly felt small—the locks he'd worked so hard to undo before had slipped right back on, this time with keys much harder to obtain. he cursed himself under his breath.

"i understand. i'll leave it for now, but just know that i care. and i'm here when you're ready. it might not be now, but someday, okay? i'm not going anywhere."

harry could tell that louis wanted to fight back, but decided against it, seeing the taller boy's resolve and knowing that it would be futile. "well, whatever then. i'll grab a garbage bag from the cupboard for the rubbish in your hands. you look lost, harold. you didn't have to hold onto it the entire time."

the ocean boy hobbled over to the kitchen, walking stiffly, which stung harry's chest now that he knew exactly why his gait was so odd. but all he could do at the moment was muffle these feelings again. it seemed like muffling things was all he did, nowadays, ever since he met louis. it hurt.

they spent the next fifteen minutes shuffling around, getting the place in order. the thing that was responsible for the odor, harry realized, a carton of spoiled milk he'd found sitting in the corner of the room. when he disposed of it, while the smell had improved, he still wished he had a can of air freshener on hand. a note for next time, he figures.

eventually, louis is the one that breaks the silence after they'd picked everything up off the ground. "are you staying the night?"

"i didn't really bring clothes to change into, and i left my wallet at home, so i'm not sure…" harry trailed on, debating in his head. "if you want me to stay, i will, though."

"it's- it's okay." louis said, biting his lip. "you definitely should head home. got an early class tomorrow, no? i'm sorry for having kept you up this late in the first place."

"not your fault, loubear. i chose to come over to check on you, and you're important. fuck class. i've been doing all my assignments and not missed a single thing from that professor, anyway."

"still, i feel bad. besides, i would have been fine without you. i'm used to it, after all." the last part was nearly inaudible, but harry had grown to become good at picking up on even the smallest of implications—a skill he had to polish after having met the ocean boy.

"you know you don't have to do everything alone, right? because you're not. you have your friends, you have… me."

"it's easier for everyone if i just deal with it."

"but not for you."

"it's easier for me if i don't have to feel bad about bothering others."

"you wouldn't be, though. you're not a bother, lou."

louis gave harry a tired sigh. "you don't even know me yet. you don't know the worst of it all, and i don't want you to. i don't plan on letting anyone see it."

"does your family know about this?"

"how many times do i have to repeat myself, harry?" louis growled, suddenly being overcame by a headache, trying to end the conversation as quickly as possible. "i'm not opening for anyone. i don't plan to, ever. i'm perfectly fine."

"lou-"

"i'm done talking about this. if you're going to stay, we might as well watch a movie or something. but we're not talking about this anymore tonight."

harry blinked, not knowing what to say. he saw the anxiety bubbling behind the boy's blue eyes, though, and could do nothing but drop it. "okay, if that makes you feel better."

louis gave him a tight-lipped smile. "we're doing grease tonight, i don't care what you have to say. if you have a problem with my movie choice, styles, you can get right out; the exit is that way."

harry laughed, a bit relieved to see the glimpses of the regular, sassy lad he was used to. "wasn't planning on objecting."

the two of them cuddled up against each other in a way that harry could see bandages under the ocean boy's shorts, but he didn't mention it. he didn't mention how it made his throat tighten or how it made him want to scream in pain. he didn't mention how much he wanted to feel that pain, just once, to experience what louis felt what must've been a nearly-nightly basis. he just held the boy much tighter, as if this moment were going to slip away from him.

"lou?" harry whispered a few minutes into the movie.

"what's up, curly?"

"do you want… to be… something more?"

"what do you mean?" moonlight was dancing in and filling the room as it grew darker and deeper into the night. god, harry hated how night makes him so sentimental.

"you know. like. it'd just make me feel better if we had something tangible, you know?"

"is what we have not tangible?" louis asked, a bit of hurt escaping his voice, which made harry suck in a breath.

"no… it is, it is, but… oh, lou, don't make me say it."

the ocean boy smiled after realizing what harry really meant. "you've got to though, sad one. or i won't understand." he'd always had a knack for teasing the big, clumsy lad with the long lanky limbs. he was just too endearing to give peace to, louis thought.

"do you… want to, you know, be… exclusive?"

"stop with those big words, harold. i don't know what they mean."

"you're an english major, for fuck's sake! you threw the word 'sanctimonious' at me on the day we first met, so don't try to tell me you don't know what 'exclusive' means, you dirty liar!"

"oh, did i?" louis chuckled, remembering that moment fondly. it was quite funny now that some time had passed, a night that'll always be close to him. "i must've been fuming, then. you and your cute-lookin' ass was too much for me."

"louuuuuuuu!" harry whined, "just give me an answer."

louis' face fell at this, realizing that harry was being serious, which made both boys tense up. "i… i don't know, haz. i was okay with a one-night stand. and i know what i said when i left that day, and i know that we're too close for that to have just been a one-night stand. my clothes didn't even come off. and i care about you too much right now to just stop. but. but i can't just suddenly…" louis trailed off, looking so lost. "i can't just suddenly jump into that. it's not fair for you. not to mention… i still can't believe someone like you would even give a second thought about someone like me."

"so, is that a no?"

"you don't understand, harry, you don't understand how much i want to say yes, how much of a dream that would be. but-"

"there is no but, then. we know what we both want. i want you, and you want me. what more is there to have to think about?"

"it's not that simple for everyone," louis snapped, then softened after he realized he'd startled harry. "i just, i don't really trust myself enough right now to not fuck everything up with you."

"no, lou. you don't trust me enough to believe that i wouldn't leave you over anything."

"stop putting words in my mouth, styles. but i guess you're right," he sighed, defeated. those ocean eyes harry had loved so much were at a high tide at this moment, deep and dark and unrelenting. at first glance, they seemed dangerous, but they were really just afraid.

"alright. i'll give you some time." harry swallowed, disappointed.

"you don't have to wait for me. i know it gets tiring and you'll start questioning whether it is really worth it or not. and i don't want you to come to hate me over this."

"never." harry cut in, "never. i will never hate you. no matter what happens. no matter what i say, or what you say. even if we get in a fight and it feels like we've lost everything, and we're both sobbing like we're dying, i could never hate you, louis. on my grave."

the older boy smiled, almost believing it. "thanks."

the discussion ended there, as harry had no more to add. so the two boys just continued watching the movie, holding each other much tighter than before; not in a way like they were afraid to lose each other, but in a way that allowed for them to feel the other the most honestly and nakedly.