22. The Runner

3.03.20

James's POV

I woke up early in the morning still wrapped tightly in Kody's arms. I opened my eyes and just lay there while staring at his sleeping face. His skin was so smooth and tan, and his eyelids were closed gently. I never noticed before now how long his eyelashes were or how they fluttered while he slept. My eyes moved down to his nose which was a cute little hook.

Finally, they settled on his lips. They were so soft and pink, and his lips felt like heaven against mine. They were curved up into a small smile that was probably the most adorable thing I had ever seen. Suddenly, his eyes opened, and I blushed because I was caught staring. However, my eyes bared into his, and I got lost in the emerald green irises. It was hard to decide whether I liked his green or silver eyes better.

"I thought I felt a kitten staring at me," he murmured with sleep heavy in his voice. I giggled quietly while continuing to stare at his beautiful face. "You know that it isn't polite to stare at people who can't admire you back," Kody flirted shamelessly. I buried my face into his shoulder with bright red cheeks while knotting my fingers in his soft sleep shirt.

Suddenly, I felt a familiar pulsing in my stomach, and I shot out of our bed before sprinting into the bathroom. I leaned heavily against the white porcelain while all of the bile inside of me left. I know that it's helpful for the baby, but throwing up every morning was dreadful. Kody tenderly lifted my hair up from my face and rubbed my back, and if nothing else I loved this because Kody would shower me with affection.

"Shhhh... It's okay," he breathed into my ear when the bile burnt my throat so much that I cried. Once I was done, Kody pulled me gently against his chest while softly smiling. "I'm so sorry that you have to go through this."

"It's all part of my dream, Kodes. I'm fine," I answered quietly.

"Let's get down to breakfast and get some food in you," Kody suggested lowly. I nodded enthusiastically against him, and he picked me up firmly around the back and legs. I held tightly onto his shoulders while we walked out, and Kody didn't even seem to care that we were both still dressed for sleep. That's one thing that I noticed different about our upbringings; Kody didn't care how different people saw him because he had grown up where it wasn't important.

On the streets, no one cared if you were wearing the right pair of pants for dinner. Everyone was more focused on their survival which is probably why Kody hardly had any insecurities. I, on the other hand, had so many things that I hated about myself.

Even when my body was the envy of everyone, I always wished that I had something more right there. I was always nervous that people were watching me even when I was in a room alone because my parents had installed a camera in my room when I was five. I was constantly scared that whenever I walked into a room, I was instantly judged for obvious reasons. My parents were always installing little fears and ticks behind them in my screwed up childhood, so this is just the after effects.

However, one of my greatest fears was that I would become my parents. I was constantly trying to keep myself from doing anything horrible like them, but this fear was an unbeatable one. I was worried that I would start a huge fight with Kody or hurt our child somehow.

"Whatcha thinking about?" Kody suddenly slurred.

"It's nothing, Kodes," I replied while looking away. Suddenly, he set me down on one of the couches in the lush hallway.

"Baby, I don't want to rush you or make you uncomfortable, but I need to know what's going on up here." Kody tapped my head gently, but I just continued to advert his gaze. "Please talk to me, Jam."

"I don't want to bother you or make you love me any less."

"Sweetheart, I could never."

"I don't want to talk about it." My eyes were trained on the floor, but he brought them to his with a gentle touch under my chin.

His beautiful green eyes were harboring a small storm, and he begged once again, "Please just talk to me!"

Suddenly something snapped in me. I don't know if it was pregnancy mood swings or my DNA, but I leapt up from the chair and just ran. Kody sprinted after me, but I could tell that he wanted me to turn around on my own accord. I couldn't.

I burst out onto the lawn, and I heard his footsteps stop on the top step. With no intentions of stopping, I went so deep into the streets of Urina that I didn't know how to get myself out. It was just peaking at mid-day, and I switched my pace to a walk. I swiped at my eyes while thinking about how stupid I was. Why did I run away from the best thing that had ever happened to me?

My legs were hurting, so I sat down against the wall nearest to me. It felt good to just get lost even if the reason I was lost was stupidity. For some reason, I had just needed to get away from Kody no matter the cost of my actions.

***

It was starting to get dark and cold, and I was officially regretting my decision to run. Even if the streets here were more safe, they were still dangerous feeling when the sun set. Every shadow around me could hold a person or something else designed to hurt someone like me. I hadn't heard a single search party for me, and it hurt more than it should. I knew that Kody just wanted me to come back on my own, but it felt like he didn't even care that I was gone.

Then again, did he really care? I'm just a huge burden on him and his family. I was a burden on my own family too. The tears fell before I could tell them to stop. I wish that I just had a different life; a normal, functioning life that wasn't this hard. Maybe if I can just distance myself from Kody slowly, I'll live normally? Yes, that should work. I just need to find my way to the castle to break up with him.

I forced myself up off of the ground and just wandered myself aimlessly until the castle lights shone in the distance. I wasn't thinking rationally, but this is it. I knocked on the door and was immediately swamped in a tight hug.

I pushed him away forcefully, and I'll never forget the look of hurt pasted on his face. "I'm sorry, Kody, but we need to break up. This is all just too much for me, and I feel like a burden." His face went slack with disbelief.

"You're joking, right? It isn't very funny," he asked with a strained voice.

"I'm not kidding, Kodes. Don't expect to ever see me again," I responded before leaving him gaping on the doorstep. I walked into the forest between here and Carbuos. It's time to do what I'm supposed to do and only that.