Chapter Twenty-Eight: Royal Beating

"You want to know what I want? I want you to know the pain of being left behind by someone you trusted to protect you. I want you to know how it feels like to be abandoned, to feel like you are worth nothing, so much so that someone you cared about would discard you like a used sanitary pad, and not spare you another thought. I want you to feel trapped in your own fucking useless body, while some disgusting creep peels and tears your clothes away one by one, touching and twisting and biting every bit of flesh he unwraps. I want your reflection to trigger bile from deep inside your gut, just from the sight of you. I want you to hate yourself, as much as I hate me. I want you to fight the voices in your head that tell you to drive a knife through your already broken heart. I want you to feel every pain known to man, and that still wouldn't even amount to the pain you've caused me!" I screamed, grabbed a stapler, and launched it right in his face. It hit him above his left eyebrow, and as I saw the blood ooze out of the open cut, I wanted more.

I wanted to cause him unfathomable pain, so I grabbed the puncher of his desk and threw it at him; it hit him on the forearm he used to protect his face with. I could see another cut on his muscular arm, but I was not satisfied. Suddenly, the events of my birthday ran through my head, fast, and relentless. I remembered how he ignored me as he walked past with his precious wife in his arms, leaving me with that man. He cared naught for me and my safety.

I grabbed everything I could and threw it in his direction. Pencils, a calculator, binders all flying in his direction. And even though he kept yelling at me to stop, I didn't. I couldn't, I wouldn't! He took me out of school and put me in the lion's den instead. A frustrated and angry scream erupted from my chest, making me see red. The next thing I knew, I had ripped his keyboard off the computer, and was getting ready to throw it at him, but he had already moved from his seat and was holding onto my wrists.

"Azania, stop!" he yelled. I started thrashing, trying to free my wrists from his strong grip.

"LET ME GO!" I yelled back at him before sending my uninjured knee in his crotch. He buckled over and yelled out in pain, and I used this opportunity to beat him with his very own keyboard. I bashed his muscular back over and over, shouting profanities while he tried to stop me; I kicked him in the stomach when he tried to reach for the now broken keyboard, that I was still beating him with. I remembered the feel of his hands as he hauled me out of the trunk before I attempted my escape. I could taste the fear I felt as I tried to run away, not knowing where I was, my knee split open.

"Azania!" he screamed and grabbed my leg, stopping my extensive kicking. He was bleeding, and breathing heavily, the sound reminding me of the beating he'd given the creep before everything went to shit. I grabbed him by the collar of his shirt, surprised by my strength as I pulled him towards me and slammed my uninjured knee into his stomach. He heaved in pain, and I curled my fingers into tiny little fists and socked him in the jaw. The pain that rippled through my arm was worth it as he went flying against his office door. I was breathing heavily, standing like a lion ready to pounce on his prey. Angry tears rolled down my cheeks, adding fuel to my fire. I marched over to him and kicked him in his stomach again, screaming like a cavewoman as I did. I was about to kick him again when he coughed out blood, looked up into my eyes and said with a barely audible voice,

"I'm sorry." And to my dismay, the anger evaporated. It shouldn't be that easy. I was going to live with this for the rest of my life and it would haunt me, and me alone. I needed to share the pain and anger with someone. I wanted to share it with him; and disarming me with two small words was not how I imagined it to go. I stood over him, face wet with tears feeling the fight leave me, as it left me when that creep twisted my nipple. The memory brings my hand to my breast, cupping it protectively. He saved you, Azania.

It is not enough. I will not applaud a fish for swimming.

The adrenaline had worn off, leaving behind an empty shell in its wake. I looked at him in disgust, my fists still balled in fists. This man ruined my life. He saved it.

"I'm really sorry Azania. I know words can never be enough, but I am deeply and utterly sorry." He said as he stood up straight, wincing slightly from the pain and clutching his stomach. Good, I hope I cracked a few ribs.

"I wish I could rewind to that day and undo my mistakes. I really didn't mean t-"I did what I have been doing since I stepped into his now messy office, I cut him off.

"Shut up."

"Please believe m-"

"I SAID SHUT UP!" I shouted, the anger slowly returning while my inner beast did her warm-ups. He actually listened to me for a change, without a doubt knowing that I was going to go rogue on his ass again. My knuckles stung were they split open, a trickle of blood marking its way down my fingers. I kept my gaze trained on a heavily bruised and bloodied Jackass though, smirking slightly as I admired my handiwork. I searched for an ounce of guilt within me and found none. Whoever said violence is never the answer must have been a wuss who couldn't throw a punch to save their pathetic ass. I was somewhat satisfied with the sight before me.

"You can't keep saying sorry and think it's going to be enough to forgive you." I said, my voice hoarse from the screaming, giving me yet another memory of that day.

"I know. I just don't know what else to do to make you believe how sorry I am Azania." As much as I didn't want to, I could hear the sincerity in his voice.

"Give me space. Give me time. You're not entitled to my forgiveness just because you apologize a thousand times. It is going to take some time Anthony. These things can't be forgotten overnight." My tears betray me as I watched him step around the mess and cautiously closer to me.

"I know. And I don't mean to push you. It's just that it hurts me seeing you hurt like this. Especially knowing that I played a major role in this pain. The only way I can even begin to forgive myself is by earning your forgiveness. And I want you to know that I will do anything to do just that." By the time he reached me, my body was shaking with silent sobs. A whimper escaped my guarded mouth and that was when he wrapped his arms around me, shushing me. I cried harder, confused by my reaction when I hugged him tighter. He muttered no apologies, said nothing stupid, just kept his arms around me, giving me words of comfort. We stayed like that for a few more minutes, until my phone buzzed in my school blazer. Limbs untangled from the other as I fished my phone out. It was a text from Kevin.

[I think Osama Bin Laden is about to make me eat a bomb, send help ☹]

A small smile made its way to my wet face and I chuckled at the message. Kevin is the only man (apart from my dad) who has not disappointed me. He has always been there for me, loving me even when I did not deserve to be loved.

"Everything okay?" Anthony asked as I typed in my reply.

[Osama Bin Laden hates me. She'd probably make me eat the bomb and make you watch :(]

[I'm still stuck at school, darn assignment draining my energy. Hang in there baby, I'll see you later :)]

I pushed my phone back into my pocket and wiped my face, hating the fact that I had to lie to Kevin about what I was up to.

"Yeah, peachy." I muttered and he chuckled.

"I see nothing has changed." He said with a humorous tone.

"If I previously gave you the impression that you're allowed to make quips with me, I apologize, because you're not."

"You're right, I am overstepping. Pray forgive me." I eyed him suspiciously through the slits of my eyes.

"Whatever. Am I in trouble for earlier?" I asked him, suddenly remembering why I had come to his office in the first place. He cocked his head slightly and studied me.

"Does he know?" he asked softly, and I knew immediately what he was referring to.

"I'm not really into that open book thing." I dismissed the comment with a shrug, not wanting to get into it.

"I guess it's none of my business anyway."

"You're right. It isn't." my voice was icy, and I noted with amusement, the bob his Adam's apple did as he swallowed nervously, briefly reminding me of a pimple face who called me Princess Azania.

"Well, this was fun and all. But I best be going. Have a hot date to prep for." I said as I straightened myself out and took a look around his office.

"You should probably clean this dump up before Monday. You wouldn't want to be bombarded with questions you'll struggle to answer all morning. And ... clean yourself up while you're at it." I said proudly and headed for the door but stopped when he called out for me. I turned around and cocked an eyebrow.

"Can I ... can I see you tomorrow?" he asked nervously.

"What for?" I asked in mock belief.

"I just want to show you something. Please, two hours tops." I pretended to think about it, and then threw him a playful smirk.

"I'll try to pencil you in, no promises. Night Jackass." I winked at him and opened the door, stepping over the broken keyboard but was stopped once again by him calling my name.

"Oh, for the love of all things chocolate, can you please just let me walk out?!" I screamed in frustration.

"Chocolate?" he asked half shocked half curious.

"Yes." I answered in a bored tone.

"Uhm, okay." He said slowly.

"I don't have all day Matthews. Speak." It was kind of fun speaking to him this way, and he was allowing me to. I guess I should beat him up more often then.

"Woah, chill! Thanks for hearing me out. And for uhm, expressing your feelings towards me. It means a lot." He gestured to his injuries and I scoffed.

"We should do it again sometime." I winked at him and finally made it out of his office. I loved this newfound confidence that I was rocking. Talking about all that anger really helped, Dr Qata was right. Had she told me that I could talk with my hands, I would have done it a long time ago.

Valentine's Day is a day to celebrate love. And I will do that with the love of my life, Kevin. Valentine's Day is also a day to celebrate yourself, and the celebration I gave Jackass was my favourite part of this day.