Chapter 40: The Wind is Rising, We Must Try to Live

Welp, here I am by the cliff once again.

A few days ago, I feared for my life when my sketchpad dropped from this height. Now, I couldn't care less of the fact that I'm sitting right on the edge, silently viewing most of Winterville. The only bothersome thing about the spot was the wintry breeze. Summer is about to begin but it doesn't make any sense why it doesn't feel like it. Regardless, I still have my navy suit on. It is a bit uncomfortable when you're sitting on the ground, but I was too lazy to do anything.

I succumbed to complete nothingness.

For the past 10 minutes, I think, everything that's happened this week was starting to sink in. The way I've always dealt with my thoughts was to not deal with it. I would play music to drown my thoughts, but my phone was starting to die out. So right now, I don't think I can ignore it anymore.

What happened with Jessica keeps entering my mind. And everything we did for the past month. Before that night, our interactions were incredibly short. In fact, we did only talk because of group projects which were even rare for us to both be in. And that night when she entered, she didn't even pay me attention until only when she told me she 'liked' me. Then there were those times when we were already 'dating' that she acted weird.

I guess I was too focused for the red of the heart than the flags.

Jessica was my first 'girlfriend' after all. I didn't know how relationships work, and knowing we weren't actually in one, I still don't know. I thought that for once, life would give me a chance to be a human in this world that could experience love. It's so stupid to think that it was. I'm incredibly mad at myself, but I'm too tired to react. My eyebrows furrowed.

That's right. I've put the confusion from earlier it into words. Some part of me was upset with Jessica, but I'm definite that wasn't the source of my rage. I'm more upset with the fact that nothing can ever go right with everything. Which, well, includes her.

Could've done the entire scene from earlier. I still never learn my lesson. The scene played out perfectly in my head, but I just had to keep quiet. I almost smirk, imagining what their faces would've looked like. But the smirk erased when I also remembered how just before that, I was the one embarrassed by Cyrus and Theo earlier.

Was it also fake?

This part had no red flags whatsoever. I thought them being distant from me this week was normal because they've done it before, and so we were still fine. It's normal for friends to not cling onto each other every day. But this time, it all connects. This week when they invited me to drive through the forest, the footage they got of me going inside the cave, them constantly asking me what happened. It was planned. But why now?! At the end of everything? Did they also sign a bet on me?! Will the world never give me a break?! I punch the ground, finally moving for the first time.

I lay on the ground in a still uncomfortable position.

Without them inviting me, I would never have found out of this cave. I would have to continue the rest of my life thinking that my family line was fucked up. And that I would probably continue that chain, scarily enough. Jacob and I just happen to share the same fate. My grandfather was maybe the only maniac in the family. But even his actions were reasonable due to Grandma being okay with him and all. And my father is just a piece of shit. Just thinking of that one singular word almost made my blood boil. Long story short, before this week, I thought my family line was insane. After this week, I still think my family line is equally insane, but for stupid valid reasons.

I gave all my chances to hope. I laid low. But I think I really do have to keep running for the rest of my life just so I don't fuck up. My father is pretending to give me a scholarship and go see him, but he's just going to make me do all his dirty work. And the past is going to come back. And everything's just going to keep repeating. No. It can't be the past. It's still happening. And it's going to keep happening unless I completely erase him from my life. Because I seriously don't want him in my life. Or maybe I just don't want for his fucking face to remind me all the things he did to me back then. Maybe he has changed. But what the hell should I care about all that?

Auntie will hate me.

Grandma will be disappointed.

Grumbly will be sad.

But I just fucking can't! I don't want to go back. I don't want any of it. I never wanted any of it.

I was always running, thinking that I'll finally be free. I thought I reached that goal. But I'm stuck in a loop. I don't know what else I can do. Is there something else I can do? God, I don't want to move out to live with him. But I also don't want to stay here in Winterville. I want to run away to where I am completely unknown. But the past will just keep haunting me to any place I go.

The last few lines keep circling my head. I want to cry, but for some reason, I can't.

Instead, I suddenly sit straight and scream out to the open.

As always, crows fly out of the trees when someone screams alone in pain just like they do in dramatic settings. I wish I could be the same. Then I laugh at myself, thinking of how dumb I am to wish I were a crow. If I were one, nothing would change. I would keep flying, but I wouldn't know where I'm going. Right now, though, the only thing that's for certain is that somehow, even as I drove around town with multiple places I could have my mental breakdown, I still ended up on this cliff at the end of the day, bellowing all my guts out.

I wonder if Malinda heard that.

My eyes popped open. I wondered if Malinda heard that. Feeling a small burst of motivation, I stand up. The wind even got chillier, and I hesitate whether I should go down or not. I've gathered all the information I have so there wouldn't really be any point in going. I could always just go somewhere else. I've been rolling and struggling to find a good despair position on the ground as if it was my bed. It's dumb, of course, so there is no point to stay here. But I also wonder what the point would be if I were to go to Malinda instead.

Then, I was reminded on our earlier game about how I considered her as one of my good friends. I guess it wouldn't hurt to visit a friend, would it?