Criss Angel is a Douchebag

Street Daytime, Jeb Dexter is doing card tricks for an audience and says "This, this isn't a trick, okay? I, I, I don't do tricks. This is a demonstration—about demons and angels—love and lust—" Dean says "What a douchebag." There re a Cameraperson and a Microphone person in the Audience, Jeb continues "—all that stuff mixed up in my head." Sam says "That's Jeb Dexter." I Dean says "I don't even want to know how you know that." Sam says "He's famous, kind of." Jeb "—but whatever happens, no matter how—" Dean says "For what? Douchebaggery?" Jeb "—messed up it gets, don't touch me, okay? For your own safety." Jeb exhales, shaking his head, then imitates something like a seizure. With one hand he grabs for the cards in his other hand and scatters them, flinging them in the direction of the window behind him "Go back to hell, demon!" The card that sticks to the window is the ace of diamonds and Jeb drags his hand over the card to show that it's on the far side of the glass " Is this your card?" Applause Sarah says "You've got to be kidding me. A fake demon possession?"

Dean and Sarah heads away and Sam follows, Dean says " I can't believe people actually fall for that crap." Sam says "It's not all crap." Dean says "What part of that was not—a steaming pile of BS?" Sam says "Okay, that was crap, but that's not all magicians, It takes skill." Dean says "Oh, right, right, I forgot. You were actually into this stuff, weren't you? I mean, you had, you had, like a deck of cards and a wand." Sam says "SAM Dude, I was thirteen. It was a phase." Sarah says "Just—it bugs me. You know, playing at demons and, and magic, when the real thing will kill you bloody." Sam says "Like a guy who drops dead of ten stab wounds—, without a single tear in his shirt?" Dean says "That's what I'm talking about."

Inside the Hotel Room Daytime, Vance's assistant tosses a bunch of metal rings into a mostly-packed trunk. She turns to face Sarah, Sam and Dean. Dean asks "So did your boss have any enemies that you know of?" Assistant says "Vance had plenty of enemies." She leans down and grabs the end of a series of tied-together handkerchiefs, Sarah asks "How so?" Assistant says "He would steal from other magicians. All the time." Sam asks "What would he steal?" Assistant says "Stage effects, closeup techniques, anything he could get his hands on." Dean asks "Is that enough to get him killed?" Assistant says "These guys take this stuff pretty seriously." She moves a cloth off a white rabbit "There you are." She bends down to pick up and pet the rabbit, Dean asks "Did you find anything weird in Vance's stuff? Well, weirder?" Assistant says "Matter of fact, I did." She puts the bunny in a bag and pulls out a Rider-Waite tarot card: the Ten of Swords. The image on the card is of ten swords sticking out of a man's back and Sam says "I'm guessing this didn't belong to Vance." Assistant says "He hated card tricks. Never wanted them around. Let alone in his precious cape." he hands over the card. Sam looks at both sides of it: it looks like a perfectly ordinary tarot card.

Inside a Hotel Room Daytime, Jay is practicing card tricks when someone knocks on the door. He grins and goes over to open the door, then waves him in: it's Charlie and Charlie says "You gonna tell me how you did it?" Jay says "Did what?" Charlie says "You know what." Jay says "The great ones never give away the how." Charlie says "Yesterday you were sad, old, and dying. Today you're one of the great ones? Come on. This is me you're talking to." Jay says "You didn't think I could do it." Charlie says "No, Jay, I didn't You're my friend, my best friend. I just didn't want to see you get hurt." Jay goes back to playing with the cards and he says "Charlie, you want to see something? Look at this." Jay cuts the deck several times and extracts three cards from it, all three aces. Charlie says "Not bad."

Jay says "'Not bad'? I've been working to pull an ace out of the middle of the deck for years, just one, and now I can pull three." Charlie says "Still missing the ace of hearts." Jay says "I want to do the Executioner tonight." Charlie says " Are you trying to get yourself killed?" Jay says "It's just a rope slip." Charlie says "Houdini wouldn't try the Executioner." Jay says "Exactly. Think about it, Charlie. If I can pull this off..." Charlie says "I think you're pushing your luck." Jay says "It wasn't luck. It wasn't. Here, stand over there." Jay moves Charlie to where he wants him "Let's not end up like this, Charlie, a couple old farts doing birthdays and bar mitzvahs." Charlie says "Beats dying." Jay asks "Does it?" Charlie says "I would do anything for you. You know that, But I will not watch you die. I'll miss that show." Jay says "No, you'll be there You're always there for me. Check your pocket." Charlie checks his coat pocket, then his shirt pocket; the ace of hearts is there Charlie laughs and says "That's good, Jay. That's pretty damn good." Jay says "I can do it, Charlie. I want to do it." Charlie nods and Jay laughs.

Inside the Theater Daytime, There's a sign up that reads The Incredible Jay over the Table of Death. Jeb Dexter is on the phone nearby. Jeb says "It's a lame gig. I'm in a fleabag hotel doing this man-of-the-people crap, and freaking Angel's in Vegas doing Cirque du Soleil! That should have been mine." Jeb sits down at a table Charlie and Vernon are at an adjacent table. Dean approaches them, " All right, boys, get it in gear, I don't got all day." Jeb's Cameraperson and Microphone Person starts moving, Dean crouches behind Vernon and asks " You Vernon Haskell?" Vernon asks "Who's asking?" Dean says "Federal agent. Ulrich." He shows him an FBI ID and says "Looking into the death of Patrick Vance." Jeb talks into the camera and he's sitting across from Jeb and Jeb says "I'm Jeb Dexter. This is Devil Twist. We're chilling at the International Magicians' Convention, which is a dope chance to tip my hat to the wicked cats who came before me. Smoking hot effect last night, Jim." Jay says "Jay." Jeb says "Huh?" Jay says "My name is Jay." Jeb says "Yeah, whatever. We can loop it later."

Vernon says "What a douchebag." Dean says "Couldn't agree more. Is, uh—" Dean pulls out the Ten of Swords "This familiar to you?" Vernon asks "Should it be?" Dean says "Well, I heard that you used tarot cards in your act." Vernon says "My act?" Vernon laughs, "That was a long time ago. I haven't touched a deck in years, you know..." Vernon holds up a shaking hand, Dean says "Do you know someone that might use them now?" Vernon says "Well, there was a guy down on Bleeker Street." Charlie says "Oh, yeah. He, he peddles that kind of specialty stuff." Dean asks "Did he have a problem with Vance?" Vernon says "Matter of fact, Vance crossed him about a year ago. Probably cost him fifty grand in royalties." Charlie nods and Dean says "You know the exact address?" Vernon says "Four twenty-six Bleeker." Charlie says "Ask for Chief." Dean says "Chief, Thank you."

Bleeker street nighttime, Dean walks along the street till he comes to a neon sign saying 426. Dean knocks on the bars on the door. The chain-link door swings open, revealing a young Man who eyes Dean and says "I'm, uh, here to see Chief." The Young Man raises his eyebrows and opens the barred door, Inside the Building nighttime, Dean follows the young man downstairs, "Stay here. Don't touch anything." The Young Man leaves and Dean looks around. There's graffiti on the walls and the bass line of music is audible. A door opens and Dean turns to face it: a Large Man Chief, climbs the stairs, backlit, and the music is more clearly heard. Chief is wearing all leather and carrying a flogger, which he slaps into his other hand a couple times "You are really gonna get it tonight, big boy." Dean says "There's been a misunderstanding. I, uh, think I've been had." Chief says "Oh, you ain't been had till you been had by the Chief." Dean frowns, "Oh, and before we get started, what's your safeword?" Dean swallows.

In a Motel room nighttime, Sarah's in a bar she's doing some research and Sam is in another room doing research as well, A knock at the door Samlooks up, waits, then gets up and goes to peer through the peephole. He sighs and opens the door. It's Ruby arms folded, "What are you doing here, Ruby?" Ruby says "I should be asking you the same thing." Ruby comes in and Sam says "I'm working a job." Ruby says "The whole world's about to be engulfed in hellfire, and you're in Magictown, USA." Sam laughs, Sam says "You got something against magic?" Ruby says "That would almost be funny if thirty-four seals hadn't been broken already. Thirty-four, Sam. That's over halfway. The angels are losing this war. Every day is one day closer, and if someone doesn't do something soon—" Sam says "And that someone is me?" Ruby says "Who else would it be?" Sam says "I don't know where these seals are. I don't know squat. So why don't you tell me where you'd like me to start?"

Ruby says "Well, you can quit dicking around here, for one. Bigger fish, Sam and if the seals are being broken, you might want to go after the one doing the breaking." Sam says "Lilith?" Ruby says "Cut the head off the snake, You're the only one who can stop her, Sam. So step up and kill the little bitch." Sam says "Oh, I'm game, believe me. It's not the psychic thing I got a problem with." Ruby says "Yeah, I know what you got a problem with, but tough. It's the only way." Sam says "No." Ruby says "You know, this would all be so much easier if you'd just admit to yourself that you like it. That feeling that it gives you." Sam says "You don't know what you're talking about." Ruby says "Oh I don't, huh? Fine." She goes to leave "It's simple. Lucifer rises, the apocalypse starts. You think that you have demons on your hands now? People are gonna die, Sam. Oceans of people. So you just let me know when you're ready." She leaves.

At the theatre, Sam and Sarah stands near an entrance and Dean comes up behind them and asks "Find anything interesting?" Sam says "What? Uh, no. You?" Dean says "Nothing I want to talk about, or think about, ever again." Vernon and Charlie stand together, Vernon says "He's crazy, and you know it." Charlie says "He says he can do it." Vernon says "Did you even try to talk him out of it?" Charlie says "Till I was blue in the face. But I tell you, Vernon, there was...there was something in his eyes." Vernon says "'In his eyes'? You're both nuts." Sarah, Dean and Sam approaches and Dean says "The Chief, huh?" Charlie says "What's the matter? Chief not your type?" Charlie smirks and Dean smirks and says "You know, I could have you both arrested for obstruction of justice."

Vernon says "How? You're no Fed." Charlie says "We con people for a living, son. Takes more than a fake badge to get past us." Dean and Sarah laughs, so does Sam Dean says "You got us. Yeah, we—we are actually—aspiring magicians." Sam says "Yeah, we -- We came to the convention 'cause we thought we could learn something." Sarah says " Yeah, get some ideas for our new show." Vernon says "Ooh, what kind of show?" Dean says " Well, it's-- It's a --" Sam says "It's a brother act and Sarah is our beautiful assistant." Dean says "Yeah. Yeah, you know, with the rings and doves and...rings." Charlie says "You want to learn something? Stick around." Jay says " Ladies and gentlemen, what you're about to witness is a feat so daring, So dangerous, even the great Houdini dared not attempt it. I give to you...The executioner!"

Inside Jeb's Hotel Room, Jeb is posing in front of a mirror, Inside the Club, Jay says "Now, sir, as you can see, this jacket is the real article. Thank you, sir. You may take your seat. Now, I will have one minute -- 60 seconds --To escape certain death. Let's see if I can do it." the curtain falls and Jay's silhouette is seen struggling to get out of the straightjacket, Inside Jeb's Hotel Room as Jeb poses a noose moved by itself and positions itself behind him, Inside the club Jay can be seen still maneuvering out of the straightjacket and Dean says "I don't think he's gonna make it." The Noose in Jeb's hotel room, drops around Jeb's neck and pulls him up, hanging him in the club Jay pushes aside the curtain, unharmed and Dean says "Oh! That was amazing! That was freakin' amazing!" Sam says "That was...not humanly possible." Jeb hangs from the noose tied to the ceiling fan , dead.

Inside the Hotel Room, Sam says "Looks like this guy Jay was a pretty big deal in the '70s." Dean says "Which in magician land means what, exactly?" Sarah says "Big enough to play radio city music hall." Dean says "What got him stuck in their "where are they now?" File?" Sam says "He got old." Dean says "Okay, so maybe incredible Jay is using real magic to stage a comeback." Sam says "t's possible. Some kind of spell that works a death transference." Sarah asks "How does the tarot card mix into it?" Sam says "I don't know." Dean says " Man...hope I die before I get old. Whole thing seems brutal, don't it?" Sam asks "You think we will?" Dean says "What?" Sam says "Die before we get old." Sarah says "Haven't we already have?" Sam says " You know what I mean, Dean. I mean, do you think we'll still be chasing demons when we're 60?" Dean says "No, I think we'll be dead...for good. What? You want to end up like -- Like travis? Huh?Or Gordon, maybe?" Sam says "Thanks Bobby." Dean says "Oh, yeah, there's a poster child for growing old gracefully."

Sam says "Maybe we'll be different, Dean, Sarah." Dean asks "What kind of Kool-Aid you drinking, man? Sammy, it ends bloody or sad. That's just the life." Sarah says "What if we could win?" Dean says "Win?" Sam says "If there was a way we could just...put an end to all of it." Dean says " Is there something going on you're not telling me?" Sam says "No." Dean says "Sammy." Sam says "No. Look, I'm just saying...I just wish there was a way we could...go after the source. That's all. Cut the head off the snake." Dean says "Well, the problem with the snake is that it has a thousand heads. Evil bitches just keep piling out of the Volkswagen." Sarah says "Yeah. Guess you're right." Dean says "Why don't you go see if you can track down Jay? We'll see what we can dig up on this tarot card."

Inside the Hotel Lobby, Sam says "Hey." Dean says "Maid found Jeb hanging from the ceiling fan. Police think it was a suicide." Sarah pulls out another tarot card, this time of the hanged man "I beg to differ. Pulled a little sleight of hand myself." Sam asks " On Dexter's body?" Dean says "Yeah, so I'm thinking if this spell is a death transference, then these cards work like black-Magic targets." Sam asks "Any connection between the victims?" Dean says "Jeb was a total douche bag to Jay yesterday." Sam asks "What about the first vic? Uh, Vance?" Sarah says "Asked around. Apparently, Vance was heckling Jay at the bar the day he was killed." Sam says "Okay, so Jay sneaks a card into Vance's pocket, does the table of death..." Dean says "And Vance takes 10 swords to the chest." Sarah says "Then Jay slips a noose and Jeb doesn't. Hell of a trick."

Dean says " Yeah, I think it's time we had a little chat with Jay. Any luck tailing him?" Sam says "He slipped me." Dean says "He's a 60-Year-Old." Sam says "He's a magician." Sarah, Sam and Dean follow Jay to his hotel room, Dean says "Up against the wall!" Jay says "God, who are you? What do you want?" Dean says "Now!" Sarah says " We know what you've been up to." Dean says "You been working some real bad mojo to jump-Start your act." Jay says "What? I don't know what you're talking about." Sam says " Look, we know you put a spell on those tarot cards." Dean says "Messing with real magic?" Jay says " "Real magic"? Come on, there's no such thing as real magic." Dean says "Oh, is that so?" Jay says "Yeah, believe me. I've been around this stuff my whole life. It's all just --It's -- It's illusions. It's tricks. It -- It's all fake." Sarah says "Jeb Dexter strung up --was that just an illusion?" Jay says "What? Something happened to Jeb?" Sam says "He was found hanged in his room. Right after you slipped the noose last night."

Jay says " I don't know what you're talking about. Please...Just let me go." Dean says "Something's not right." Sarah says "Usually they're whipping some badass hoodoo at us by now." Sarah, Sam and Dean have tied Jay to a chair and Dean asks "What do you want to do?" Sam says "All right. So, then, whoever it is, they're obviously in Jay's corner." Dean says "All right, so we got Vernon and Charlie on the list. Anyone else?" Sarah says "Uh...We could always ask him." Jay has escaped from the chair and is gone and Dean says "Guess we should have seen that one coming." Sam says "Come on. He couldn't have gotten that far." The three of them leave the room and Jay peeks out of the closet and Sam says "No way he could outrun us." Dean says "Maybe he vanished. I mean, he really is good." Sarah says "Or he found a back door." Jay comes up behind them as the police come into the lobby and says "That's them! Those are the three nut jobs that just broke into my room!"

Backstage of the Theater, Jay says "They said my act is killing people. They said that I was using real magic, that I was casting spells on tarot cards." Charlie says ""Real magic." Those guys are nuts. You're lucky to be alive." Jay says "You don't think..." Charlie says "What?" Jay says "Well, the things that I can do now -- The cards." Charlie says "You've been working the cards your whole life." Jay says " Well, what about the escapes? I haven't been able to slip a pair of cuffs in 30 years and hen there was the way that -- that patrick Vance died and that Jeb Dexter." Charlie says "Yeah, no great loss there." Jay says "Oh, Charlie, he didn't deserve to die." Charlie says "You had nothing to do with it." Jay says "He was hanged the same night that I performed the executioner." Charlie says "Wait a minute. Are you telling me that you actually believe those guys? That there was some kind of "real magic" involved?"

Jay says "No. I don't know. I don't know, maybe. I shouldn't go on tonight, Charlie." Charlie says " Are you kidding me? You have a sold-out house out there. Sold out! When was the last time that happened?" Jay says "The other night...When I was doing the table of death, I was, um...I was gonna kill myself and I have no idea how I got out alive." Charlie says "But you did. Somehow, you did. Jay...when you were in your day you were incredible. "The incredible Jay." You were the best I ever saw. And now you got it back. I don't know how, but it doesn't matter. Just to see you at the top of your game again. Hell, it makes me feel young." Jay says "But..." Charlie says "No buts, Jay. This may be manna from heaven, I don't know, but whatever it is, you don't throw it away."

Theatre Stage, Jay lies on the table of death, Charlie lights the rope holding the plate of swords up, Charlie goes backstage to Vernon, Jay stands up unharmed a woman from the audience says "Oh my god somebody gonna call 911" Audience member says " I don't know" Jay says "What's the..." Jay finds Charlie covered in stab wounds, Hotel Lobby Sam says "Jay. Thanks for dropping the charges." Dean says "ou mind telling us why you did it?" Jay says "We have to talk." In the Bar, I was just a kid when we first met. All I knew was how to cheat at cards. Charlie got me out of more scrapes than I can count. Hell, I would have been dead by the age of 20 if it hadn't been for him. sighs "he was more than my friend. He was my brother." Sarah says " I'm sorry, Jay." Jay says " Look, I should have listened to you guys when you told me that my show was killing people." Dean says " Well, you weren't the one pulling the trigger."

Jay says "Yeah, but someone did, and I want to find out who did this to Charlie, so I'll do whatever you guys say. Just tell me what to do." Sam says "Jay, whoever's doing this...They like you. They're probably close to you. Did Charlie and Vernon get along?" Jay says " No. No, it's not Vernon." Dean says "He's the only one that makes sense." Sarah says "Charlie and Vernon were your family, Jay." Dean says "And now Charlie's gone." Jay says "Yeah, but...they butted heads sometimes, but Vernon could never do something like this." Dean says "See, the thing about real magic is it's a whole lot like crack. People do surprising things once they get a taste of it." Jay says "You better be damn sure about this. Vernon's all I got left."

Inside Vernon's hotel Room, Vernon picks up phone "Yeah? Yeah, okay. I'll be there in two shakes. I got something to tell you anyway." after Vernon leaves, Sam, Sarah and Dean enter Vernon's hotel room and Sam says "Wow. It's like a...magic museum." Sarah says " You must be in heaven. This guy doesn't travel light." Sam says "He's been on the road his whole life. Probably everything he owns is in this room." Dean says "Let's get started." In the Theatre, Vernon says "ust talked to the head of the convention. Headliner gig is yours." Jay turns around, Vernon says "What? You don't want it?" Jay says "A day ago, if you told me I'd be standing on this stage...No, I can't do it, Vernon." Vernon asks "What are you talking about?" Jay says " Charlie's gone." Vernon says "Charlie would have wanted you to go on. This is your shot, It's our shot." Jay says "Really? This is what Charlie would have wanted? Charlie's dead." Vernon says "Hey, he was my friend, too, you know."

Jay says "It's a hell of a way to treat a friend." Vernon says "Again, what are you talking about?" Jay says "You killed him, didn't you? And for what? So that I -- So that we could be back on top?" Vernon says " That's insane. Chuckles " no, you're scaring me." Jay says "First it was Vance, then it was Jeb . Even if you thought you were doing it for me, how in god's name could you kill Charlie?" Vernon says "Oh, you are crazy." Jay says "You used me, and you used my act to do this to him. If you think --" Man says "I wouldn't be so hard on him, Jay. He didn't do it." Dean says "This is just a bunch of old-Timey magic stuff --None of it magic." Sarah says "No herbs, no candles, and no tarot cards." Dean says " I'll be damned." Sam says "What?" Dean holds up poster "Look like anyone we know?" In Theatre, Vernon says " Sweet mary and joseph." Jay says "Charlie."

Charlie says " It's really me, Jay." Vernon says "How the hell..." Charlie says "God, you forget what it feels like to be young. It's amazing." Jay asks "How old are you?" Charlie says "Oh, it depends on what you mean by "old." Right now, technically, about 28, but I've been around a lot longer than that." Jay asks "How long?" Charlie says " Long enough to have shilled for Barnum and he gave me something." Jay says "What's that?" Charlie says " The grimoire --A book of real magic. At first, I thought it was a scam, but then I tried one of the spells, and it worked. In fact, they all worked. So when I got to the end and there was one for immortality..." Vernon says "My god, Charlie." Jay says "And my show, the things that I can do." Charlie says "Different spell. But it gives you a little taste of what's possible. Charlie pulls out a deck of tarot cards "Oh, no, I wouldn't touch those, Vernon. They're --They're still radioactive."

Jay says "You killed Vance and Jeb Dexter." Charlie says " What, you think this is a parlor game? You were being humiliated by those punks. A washed-up old man who couldn't even defend himself." Jay says " You used me to do these terrible things." Charlie says " I used them to give you a gift and you wanted it, Jay. I saw it in your eyes." Jay says "No, I never wanted this." Charlie says " You were ready to kill yourself. I saved your life." Vernon says "Is that right, Jay?" Charlie says "I was there for you, like I've always been. Like I'll always be. Come with me, both of you. You think the first time around was good? The second time's even better. All the know how, none of the aches and pain." Jay says " No, I won't do this. I won't." Charlie says " I've never made this offer before. But, then again, I've never had friends like the two of you before. Let me do this for you."

Jay says " And who else has to die so that we can live forever? What's the price tag on immortality? This isn't right, Charlie, what you're doing. You know that. Somewhere, you know that." Charlie says "I know I don't want to come back alone, to start all over, alone." Vernon says "Jay...We can be young again." Charlie says "The three of us together -- Vital and alive...forever" Dean says "Not so fast! I ain't Guttenberg, and this ain't "Cocoon." Immortality. That's a neat trick." Charlie says "It's not a trick. It's magic. a noose appears behind Dean, drops around his neck and lifts him. Sam shoots Charlie, Charlie catches the bullet in his teeth "Hey, bullet catch --Been working on that." Dean says "Get him!" Sarah says " Let him go -- Now!" Charlie says "Just leave me and my friends alone. All right, I will give it up --The spells, the hexes. This is the last time. I promise." Charlie pushes Sam onto a the sword-table. Charlie clutches his stomach, where he is now bleeding " Jay...You picked these strangers over me?" Sarah asks Dean and Sam "You okay?" Dean says " Yeah. Yeah, I'm all right."

Inside a Bar, Dean says "Hey, Jay. We wanted to thank you for what you did yesterday." Jay says "I killed my best friend yesterday, and you want to thank me?" Sarah asks "Where's Vernon?" Jay says "Oh, he's gone. He said he didn't want to speak to me again after what I did to Charlie." Dean says "Listen, Jay...you know Charlie was never gonna give up what he was doing. Ever. You did the right thing." Jay says "Are you sure about that? You know, Charlie was like my brother. And now he's dead... because I did "the right thing." He offered me a gift, and I just threw it back in his face. So now I have to spend the rest of my life old and alone. What's so right about that?" Bartender says "Jay...your cards." Jay says "Throw them away." Dean says "Well, I don't know about you two , but...I could go for a beer." Sarah says "Yeah I'll join you for that beer." Sam says "I'm gonna take a walk." In a Alleyway Sam opens the door to Ruby's car and says "Okay.I'm in." Ruby asks "What changed your mind?" Sam says "I don't want to be doing this when I'm an old man."