Trauma is coming back part 2

When I got into my room, I immediately lost consciousness on the bed. I was still able to close the doors behind me so I wasn't scared of someone finding me. But it wasn't my concern, in this weird state. I was able to think while not being conscious. Somehow, it was possible. Lily… I felt that any bond we had started to slowly wither away because of my few outbursts. The time where I can't control myself, where all of the negativeness within me leaks out like oil from a barrel. But the problem is, that there is no barrel and it just keeps flowing out infinitely. I feel my body now, in a dream, I can feel my movements, any pain that is now on my body. Almost like a monster trying to find me. The pain was seeking for me. I opened my eyes, but nothing changed, it was still dark. Just black, I felt the nothingness impact my eyes and psyche. Why am I here? I screamed into the nothingness but heard nothing. Did I shout? or was it just my imagination.