3) Abnormal: Emma

The one thing that is worse than knowing an awful thing, is thinking about that awful thing but having no way to confirm if it is real or true.

Emma spent the school days in an alternative reality to try to escape the world where anxiety attacked from all angles, biting and gnawing at her until she wanted to scream in agony. It was absolutely awful, and nobody understood the difficulties that each day brought! She felt completely and utterly alone in her suffering.

It was her anxiety that seemed to cause a rift between her and the rest of society. It felt as though she was standing on one side of an impenetrable, solid wall, and the rest of the world, including her own family was on the other side.

The rest of the world had the ability to break this figurative wall, but they did not bother to do it. They did not bother to come and get her. Nobody did. Nobody cared. She was alone, with nobody to fight for her life, but herself.

She was so anxious at school that she found it impossible to speak to people without stuttering or shaking like a leaf in the most embarrassing way. For this reason, she tried to avoid all social contact, which certainly took a toll on school and social life.

Already, she had been reported to the school psychiatrist for abnormal behaviour. This included, to Emma's utter horror, not making eye contact with teachers. The uncomfortable thing was that it had been more than one teacher who had reported her for this "lack of respect" as they had called it.

This had upset her severely, because she would have preferred that the teachers would have spoken to her first rather than going to the school psychologist so quickly. She had no problem with going to see the school psychiatrist, but found that the teachers had not been particularly respectful to her, to go behind her back and report her as if they were afraid to speak to her directly.

If they had spoken to her first, she would have been able to explain to them, and they would have understood that she did not mean any disrespect by not looking them in the eye. She only struggled to do so. This, she felt that she could blame on her social anxiety, but she did not really understand why she lacked the ability to look people in the eye.

She had spoken a little bit to the school psychiatrist, but had not mentioned any of her big worries. Nobody knew those. Nobody could know that she was questioning her sexuality, they would just hate her if they knew!

She knew from having three younger sisters, that even if one spoke in confidence, somebody was bound to let the cat out of the bag, even if it was an accident. Besides, who knew if this woman could be trusted? The school psychologist had only just started working at the school the previous term and how was Emma to know if the woman was a worthy confident so quickly? She had done absolutely nothing to gain Emma's trust, so there was not even a speck of a chance that Emma would be confiding in her.

Katrina, who was three years younger than Emma, was the worst of her three sisters with "accidentally" revealing secrets.

Once, Emma had been put in detention for incomplete biology work and Katrina had discovered it from a seemingly reliable, but anonymous source and gone running to Mom about it.

It really was unfair because Emma had planned on telling Mom that she had been put in detention, but because Katrina had told her first, Mom had believed that Emma had been keeping it a secret. That had resulted in a double punishment and Emma felt as though she had lost some of Mom's trust.

Katrina was a really annoying person. She constantly stuck her nose into other peoples' business and there were uncountable times when Emma had found her rummaging through personal belongings in her bedroom. What was even more, was that Katrina would lie about it to Emma's face, which was something that Emma detested more than the nosiness.

Natalie and Lee were better, but still not very trustworthy although partly due to their tender ages, so it was not fair to judge them yet. Between the school and her sisters, Emma lived in constant fear that somebody was going to discover her secret and tell everybody that she was not straight.

It was not that she was going to keep it a secret her whole life, it was just that firstly, she was not completely sure, and secondly, she was not ready to be "out" yet. Besides, "Coming out" was a big thing and she did not want it ruined by one of her annoying little sisters.

It was an odd feeling, knowing, or at least thinking that you are different from others. It hurt and it just felt so odd. It is an inexplicable feeling, but every now and then, it stabs the body and whispers unsavoury things to the mind.

Emma's brain always seemed to be whispering awful things to her and making her worry about problems that were not even there. This, was one of the largest reasons why Emma struggled to make friends.

Her brain constantly told her that people hated her or that they were going to hurt her. It was all very tiring, not to mention frustrating.

She knew that the voices were lying most of the time, but it was incredibly difficult not to believe them as they were very convincing and presented her with continuous, false, evidence.

The voices were quiet sometimes, but they were always more active in social situations or when Emma was in company. The liked to remind her of how abnormal she was, how "weird" she was in comparison to society. Emma knew she did not fit in, but she wished that the voices would not continue to remind her of it.

Although she knew it was suicide in a household like hers, Emma kept a diary. It was hidden behind the headboard of her bed, where she hoped that it would be safe. Of course, she regularly changed its hiding spot, especially after Katrina had started asking about certain things that were only in her diary.

The diary helped Emma. It was a friend that never judged, but listened to everything. Sometimes, Emma felt as though her diary was the only thing that was there to support her and she treated the diary almost human-like.

She had started writing in it three years back, when she had been going through a lot of bullying in grade 7. She was not bullied anymore, but it was still hard to walk past everyone who had been so nasty to her. It seemed as if nobody liked her and she certainly had no friends. To be honest, Emma was lonely.

But she never let them see it. They did not care anyway, but how Emma longed for a friendship with an understanding person. Someone who sympathized with the depression that seemed to cut into her, stab her and bruise her spirit. Someone who understood and appreciated her for all her oddities, someone who was just like her.

It was odd to tell a diary everything, but better than nothing and Emma was glad to have a worthy confidant. Even if the diary could not respond, writing her thoughts and feelings down helped her to make sense of it and to think of suitable solutions.

For example, if she had to do something that was causing her a lot of anxiety, Emma would write down all the things about it that made her worried. Next to the problem, in a separate column titled "solution", she would write down how she could solve the problem. Making lists made Emma feel calmer too, and it helped to list her worries.

Sometimes she had a great desire just to scream out to the world that she was gay. It was so hard to keep it to herself. There had been so many times when Emma had been on the verge of telling Mom the truth about who she was, but then, everything would go so quiet and it felt as if a spotlight was shining over her sweating face and clammy hands.

Cold shivers seemed to run down her spine and as the ambience would completely disappear from the room. The uncanny voices would seem to grow louder and more demanding, until finally, feeling defeated, Emma would retire back to the safety of her bedroom with her task still incomplete.

How she desperately wished that the she was brave enough to express to the world, who she really was.