14) Active or Passive: Bailey

Something was up with Emma...

After coming out to each other, Emma and Bailey had found that they had become a lot closer, and their relationship had greatly improved. They had begun to talk to each other about almost everything.

It had only been a few weeks, but already, people were noticing their friendship. Countless teachers had commented on how glad they were that Emma and Bailey had become friends. They said things like that they were a perfect fit, and that it made them happy to see that both of them had finally found a friend.

The two girls had discussed self-harm at length and Emma had admitted to Bailey that she did cut herself. Bailey felt honoured that Emma trusted her enough, but something was wrong with her. She just was not herself these past few days.

Emma and Bailey now sat with each other every break except first break on Mondays, when Emma went to speak to Mrs Arense. Bailey had got to know Emma very well over the past few weeks, and understood that this first break visit to Mrs Arense on Mondays was a very important occasion for Emma. She knew better than to say anything against it.

Bailey was naturally good at noticing things, and she already knew most of Emma's habits and quirks. She often picked up when her friend was feeling low, and she was certain that something was just not alright with her at the moment.

She had not eaten in break on Friday, and she always ate. And although she smiled that pretty smile of hers, there was a look of sadness in her eyes, a sadness that Bailey had neither seen nor experienced before.

She was worried about Emma, especially since she had noticed fresh cuts on her wrists that break on Friday. She knew that Emma cut only when she was at her lowest, yet these cuts seemed angry, as if they had been done with more effort and to cause more pain that she had ever before.

But that was cutting. Sometimes it as a way of punishing yourself for the mistakes and things that you had done wrong, but other times it was just an escape, a way to feel okay just for a little while. If Emma was cutting to feel better, it was not the cutting that was the problem, it was more the thing that was upsetting her. Bailey knew that they had to get to the bottom of it if she was to help her friend.

"Hey." she texted

Bailey felt her heart beating as Emma's status on Whatsapp flashed online. Her fingers quivered in anticipation of Emma's response. She did not know what she expected. Text could not reveal emotion, but Bailey was hoping that Emma would say something that would help Bailey to solve Emma's problems.

"Hi"

Emma's text flashed onto her screen. It was a single word, but Bailey could feel the sadness pulsing inside that simple word. She knew that it could just be her vivid imagination, but she also felt that Emma really needed help.

"How are you doing?"

Bailey held her breath as Emma began typing. She did not know why she was afraid, but she was. It was not like Emma was going to tell the truth if she felt really bad.

Whilst Bailey admired honesty and tried to be as truthful as humanly possible, she had noticed that Emma was reluctant to honestly tell her if she was not doing okay. Bailey assumed that it was the effect of hiding herself for so many years. She really could not blame Emma for it, and she most certainly understood why Emma did lie.

If anything, Emma was only doing it to protect Bailey. Bailey knew that depression made one feel as if they were a burden to everyone, and she supposed that Emma did not want to feel that way.

"Hey!"

It was William at her door. William, who still had not learnt to knock before entering!

"What do you want William?"

Bailey found herself snapping at her brother. She had not meant to snap, but she was just so worried about Emma that she had no energy for other people. She had been exhausted lately. Although it was wonderful to have someone to talk to at break times and not have to float around the quad all alone, she felt that having friendships was very draining.

Not that she would ever give up her friendship with Emma, it was far to precious for that. Besides, she had never felt happier in her life. Emma had made a massive change to everything in her life, and it was a good change, one that Bailey welcomed.

"Mom says that we are leaving now, and you have to come with."

Bailey groaned inwardly. She would much rather stay and chat to Emma on Whatsapp to get to the bottom of what was up with her, but Mom had planned this trip to the zoo for a while and Bailey had promised to join, as per her brother's request.

"Coming" she sighed

Reluctantly, Bailey switched off her phone and got up off her bed. She disliked seeing all the animals in cages at the zoo, but little William loved it there and had been begging Bailey to come with for ages. As Bailey had promised her younger brother that she would, Bailey knew that she had to go with.

Bailey felt that it was cruel to keep the wild and ferocious beasts confined to areas that were the minimum of regulations, just to entertain members of the public for a short span of time. She thought the same of circuses, they were both horrible and should have been against the law.

But William wanted her to come, and she would do it for her brother.

They spent a long time dawdling at the zoo, and it was nearly 5pm when they got back home. Bailey collapsed into her bed and switched her phone back on receiving a flood of messages from Emma.

"Sorry for just leaving," she texted, "I had to go out."

On feeling the anxiety in Emma's messages, she felt guilty for not letting Emma know that she had to go. She should have remembered, or at least realised that Emma and her brain were similar. If someone who was texting her had suddenly vanished, she too would begin to imagine all kinds of awful scenarios in her mind. It was cruel of her to have just upped and left like that.

"I am really sorry, Emma, I should have told you that I had to go. I am sorry for making you worry. I feel awful"

"It's fine."

Bailey could almost read the sadness in Emma's texts. It petrified her. Bailey knew that something was seriously wrong with her friend, and she regretted going to the zoo with her family.

"Emma, are you hurting yourself right now?"

There was a pause that felt to Bailey as if it lasted minutes. She had no doubt about what the answer was, but whether Emma would be honest or not, was a whole other story.

"Yes"

"Are you feeling suicidal?"

"No"

"I want you to tell me the truth, Emma, I promise that I am not going to report you."

"I don't know how you always know exactly how I feel, Bailey, it feels like you are in my brain sometimes."

"Please answer me Emma."

"Okay... yes. Please don't report me though."

Bailey sighed, she was now more than ever, extremely worried about her friend.

"I won't. Passive or active?"

"I am sorry... active."

Bailey felt her heart beating so fast and so hard that it seemed as if it was going to burst through her chest. She was petrified, having no clue what to do. She had no experience in handling a situation like this, but she had to try."

"May I phone you?"

"Yes."