16) Promise: Bailey

It had been the only way to save her... to tell her that she had feelings for her, but it was not a lie. Bailey did not lie. It was the utter truth, the raw truth, the truth exposed.

She really did have feelings for Emma. The girl was so kind, so perfect in every way. It felt wrong, but it also felt very right. She could not believe that she had just said it though, it felt like a dream that she was trapped in. She felt so vulnerable and exposed now that she had admitted her feelings.

"Put the knife back, Emma. Please."

"Okay I will, but did you really mean that? Be honest, please..."

"I am always honest Emma, and I would not lie to you. Just put the knife back."

It seemed like an hour when Emma left, promising to put the knife back in it's rightful place, but not promising not to self-harm. It kept her going, and Bailey understood this completely. She hoped that Emma would reach a place where she would be able to cut less often, or perhaps not at all, someday.

Bailey had made a promise though. A promise to help Emma convince her mother to give her the medication that she needed, and although it was a tough job, Bailey had no intention of abandoning her post.

Already, her mind was spinning as she tried to think of suitable solutions and ways that she could help Emma. She began to list ideas in her mind in an attempt to formulate a fool-proof plan.

"Okay, the knife is back."

Emma's voice over the cellphone interrupted her spinning thoughts.

"Good, now let's discuss how we are going to continue from here. First, I need you to promise me that you will not kill yourself, ever..."

"I don't think that I can make that kind of promise. I might really need to or feel really low one day and then I will have to..."

"If you ever feel like that, I need you to promise me that you will be honest with me so that I can help you, Emma. You are not a burden, and I want to help you. I need you to make that promise though. I will never be able to sleep if I have to worry that I could wake up to a dead friend. Please... promise me that you will not kill yourself."

"I am sorry Bailey, I cannot make that promise to you, not now anyway."

"Okay, then I want you to promise me that you will not kill yourself for six months."

It sounded like a really stupid promise to ask someone to make, but Bailey had a plan. When six months were over, she would ask Emma once again to make the promise, but for a year instead and then the following time, two years.

She understood that it felt overwhelming for Emma to make such a massive, and honestly life-changing promise to her, so she was trying to make it as easy as possible, and slowly grow the promise.

"Okay, I can do that."

"You need to say the words please."

"Fine, I promise that I will not kill myself for six months."

It sounded really really stupid, Bailey had to admit. It was also probably the opposite of what a psychologist would do, but to Bailey, it seemed as if it best fitted the situation that Emma was in, and she was confident that she was making the right decision for Emma.

"Good. Now, how do you want me to talk to your mother?"

Bailey was interrupted by Mom calling her to supper. It was nearly seven ó clock, and the two girls had been talking for almost two hours.

Bailey wiped the tears from her eyes and blew her nose. She was amazed at how calm she had managed to stay in the situation, although she had cried, she had not gone off into panic mode and started hyperventilating or anything.

She felt proud of herself for handling the situation without letting anxiety get the better of her. She had felt incredibly anxious, but had managed to keep it inside her and not let it take control of her. She had proved to herself, that in an important situation, she was able to remain calm.

Crying had probably helped the situation though. It had made Emma feel guilty and see the emotion in Bailey. It had helped Emma to realise that she was indeed valuable and that she meant a lot to Bailey.

She supposed that showing the right amount of emotion was very helpful when handing a suicidal person because it allowed them to come back to reality and realise the effect that there death would have on others. It was an insight on how their loved ones would react on the realisation that they were gone forever.

"Emma, I am really sorry, but I have to go and eat now. Will you be okay for the next thirty minutes or so? I promise that I will phone you again the moment that I am finished. I just want you to know that you are really important, not only to me but to so many other people, but I have to go and eat because I don't want my mom to suspect anything, okay?"

"Okay, I will be waiting for you to get back. Don't worry. I will sit and not touch any knives or anything."

Bailey was hesitant to leave Emma when she was so unstable, but she had to go and eat to avoid suspicion. If Mom found out about Emma, she would not understand and might ridicule Emma and not let Bailey see her again. It was too much of a risk, so Bailey had to act normal and could not excuse herself.

Mom believed that if depressed people spent time together, they would affect each other and make their depression worse, but this was not true.

It really helped to talk to someone who could understand what Bailey was going through. It made one feel better to find people that could support, empathise and sympathise with oneself. People who did not experience depression did not understand and could be very unsympathetic with people who felt sad constantly.

They might even get annoyed and no longer wish to be friends. Bailey had experienced this first hand, and she felt as if her mother also got tired of her when she was feeling very depressed. It was not nice, but it was the truth.

At supper, Bailey had an idea.

"Mom, can Emma come over tomorrow?"

"Don't you have a project to do, Bailey?"

"Yes Mom, but I can do both. I really want to see Emma. Please Mom?"

"You will see her on Monday, Bailey. She doesn't need to come on a Sunday. It is unnecessary."

"Please, Mom? I promise I will get my project done on Sunday evening. I have something important to discuss with Emma."

With much pleading and begging on Bailey's part, it was settled. After supper, Bailey asked Emma to come over and she agreed. The two girls chatted till ten ó clock that night, and when Bailey went to bed, she felt confident that Emma would be safe till the following day when she would come over to her house.