Chapter 7

It was only two days in the hospital waiting for placement this time. They transported me to this place called Wellspan Philhaven. 

It was the mental hospital that my Grandma used to cook for before she retired. This fact brought some reassurance as she was comfortable around the staff, and they would allow her to bring me cookies when she visited.

Visitors was the second thing that made me favor this mental hospital. My mom was also allowed to bring me things such as snacks and stuffed animals. 

I was also able to go into my room whenever I wanted. In the last place, this wasn't a thing we could do as they didn't want people to hide things or isolate themselves in their rooms. Sometimes I wished we were given the benefit of the doubt, but of course, these are places that are meant to keep us safe. To be honest, the only things that the hospitals are required to give us are food, shelter, and clothing. I tried to be optimistic about that. Of course, I'm not an extremely positive person, so I pretty much failed at that. Still, I tried. 

Let me share one honest thing here, though. I still wish I were dead. Wait… "were dead?" Or "was dead?" Either way, it didn't matter. Noone ever loved me; why would they start now? Why didn't I just take my life when I had the chance? 

These questions buzzed in my head as I sat on my bed at the mental hospital. It was past ten, although I didn't know how much later, as there wasn't a clock in my room. How could my parents even let me come here? At the time, I considered it torture. 

The next day I got a new roommate. Her name was Eily. She turned out to be one of my best friends at the hospital. When she left I was so devastated. 

It was then that I tried signing a Seventy-Two. Basically, I tried to sign myself out. Unfortunately, taking a knife from school is not a good look. I was desperate and I'm sure everyone saw it. One of the main motivators to get out was a banquet that was set up for the whole soccer team. I begged and pleaded with the doctor to let me out, but he didn't care. He laughed at me and called me a broken record, but that didn't stop me from trying to leave.

By that I mean I tried to leave this earth. 

I sat in my room alone one night. It was the day after Eily got discharged. I was feeling hopeless and unwanted as my mom hadn't come to visit that night when she said she would. She didn't even call me to say she was sorry. 

My second attempt to end my life was pretty pathetic to be honest, but at least I tried. I took my comb and broke the top piece. With shaky hands, I cut away at the skin right above my vein, hoping to break the vessel. Sadly, my body was smart. The skin started to bubble around the cut, preventing me from cutting the vein. In the end, I gave up. 

It was a hard couple days after that. Christmas was a week away and the nurse told me she had gotten word of my discharge and to start packing. I put all my books and papers in the office. They would give me them later. I was so happy. I was going to get out before Christmas. There was a smile on my face as I wrote a letter to the staff. My new roommate, Josh, a boy who was trans, encouraged me along the way. 

"Watch this be a sick prank," I said jokingly to him as I packed. 

"LOL; that would be terrible," he said back, lying on his stomach on his bed, reading a book. 

Then came the blow. 

"Where did you hear that?" Dr. Bello asked over video chat. 

"The nurse, she told me," I informed him with a smile. 

"Well," he said, "You're not leaving."

Then I walked out. It had been just a sick joke. I began crying as I got my stuff from the office. This was going to be a terrible Christmas, I thought. 

I couldn't believe I wasn't going home. I had gotten my hopes up only to have them torn down. 

The next couple of days weren't too bad. We made Christmas decorations and wrote letters to soldiers. I expected it to be terrible, but I felt so safe and accepted. 

Christmas came and I found two gift bags right inside my door. 

"Josh, look!" I cried to my roommate. He stirred under the covers, peeking his head up. His brown hair was a mess and his face was covered in lines from being pressed against the pillow.

I brought the bags beside his bed and waited for him to sit up. To say the least, Josh was not a morning person. It took a couple minutes, but with some patience, he got the energy to get up and sit on the floor next to me. 

"What's this?" He mumbled. 

"The staff got presents for us." On the tag of each bag was our name and a smiley face. 

We opened them together. I was full of energy as I pulled out a red and green blanket and a pack of 24 crayons. A sloth, however, could have beaten Josh at opening his gift. He slowly pulled the tissue paper out and then the blanket as well as fuzzy socks, a fluffy stuffed pig, and candy. 

"I can't believe they got us gifts," I exclaimed, wrapping my arms around the stuffed rabbit that I had gotten. 

One of the staff knocked on the door, then cautiously opened it. "Merry Christmas!" He greeted us. 

"Merry Christmas, Ryan," we both replied, with bright eyes. 

"Make sure to grab breakfast, Charbelle is making waffles and bacon in the other pod," he informed. He had dark eyes and long black hair pulled into a frizzy ponytail. Of course, Ryan was one of my favorite staff since let us watch R-rated movies and played games with us. Treated us like we were human, most of all. 

Me and Josh eyed each other with wide eyes. Normally, they just had a cart with fruit, cereal, and instant oatmeal in the big room that connected the three locked childrens pods. Waffles and bacon, though? That was a real treat! 

Suddenly, Josh was wide awake. Ryan led us to the door of our pod and unlocked it for us to go out into the big room. He then escorted us to the 60's pod for breakfast. The smell of bacon hit me as he unlocked that door. 

It was better than I thought. There was powdered sugar and chocolate chips for the waffles that Charbelle was making fresh. Of course, multiple staff stood around the station, making sure no one tried to burn themselves or grab the cord. It didn't matter to me, I was happy nonetheless. There was bacon sizzling on a portable stove and seasoned potatoes as well. 

Josh and I loaded out plates and headed back to our pod, the 50's pod. 

When everyone had their breakfast, Ryan put on the movie Elf. I never had much interest in long movies, but Elf was one of them that I could sit through without getting bored. Beck, one of my best friends, sat beside me with Finch on the other side. Beck was stocky with curly red hair that was everywhere and Finch had blonde hair that was shaved except for a strip in the middle. Everyone here seemed to have their signature look, and it felt like home. I felt so accepted here. Even though I was in a locked unit, sitting on a hard, plastic chair that was nailed into the ground, I felt like I belonged, like I fit into this group of misfits that society tried to change. 

I got a visit that night. It was my mom and Him. 

"Merry Christmas, KK," He shouted as I walked into the visitor room. I grinned, holding up the cards I had made for them. He and my mom stood up from the small table and each gave me a big hug which I welcomed happily. As we sat down, my mom pulled a red bag up from beside her chair and set it infront of me on the table. It was sparkly with the words "Ho, Ho, Ho," written on the front. They both watched eagerly as I pulled out a new set of playing cards and a pack of strawberry wafers, my favorite treat. I made eye contact with my mom and thanked her, then opened up the pack of cards. The backs had a pink and white swirled across them, and the fronts had the same colors in the different symbols. 

"Did you have a good Christmas?" He asked, as I practiced shuffling the cards, a new skill I had recently learned. 

"Yeah, we had a lot of fun." I answered, still focusing on the cards. 

My mom reached across the table and tapped my hands. "I'm glad you had fun. We went over to Grandma Martin's for lunch. She had all the aunts, uncles, and cousins over too. When we left to come here, they were just starting a game of baseball." 

I still didn't look up, my social battery was going dead from being around the other teens all day. "That sounds like fun," was my reply. 

We chatted for a couple more minutes then I dealt the cards for us to play Rummy. My mom looked at the cards in confusion, then laughed

"I have no idea how to play this."

I raised my eyebrows at her. I guess I never did teach her, but this was my favorite game, how could she not know? 

I explained, demonstrating with my hand of cards. He followed along silently, with an equal look of confusion on His face.

"You're living in the 1900's, Kayla," he commented, "Cards games are so last century." 

I faked a laugh, but it still warmed my heart to hear his lame jokes. I just wasn't in the mood after a long day. 

"Don't they let you play Wii or something?" He asked.

I sadly shook my head, "Nope, we do Just Dance sometimes, though," I added. 

He turned away, scrunched his nose, and gave me a look out of the side of his eye. "Just Dance?"

"Yeah," I smiled, warming up to the conversation, "We'll watch other people on YouTube do it and dance along, although I don't usually participate."

He nodded sarcastically, if you know what I mean, eying me oddly. "That was big when I was a kid. It came out in 2009, you know." 

"We are basically the same age," I pointed out, giving Him the same look back. 

He further progressed his look by crossing His eyes and wiggling His ears, something my dad had taught Him long ago.

"You, little sis, are two years younger than me, born in 2006, while yours truly," He paused, gesturing to Himself, "was born in 2004. Ha!"

"Lets just play Rummy already," I exclaimed, not sure what the point was. It was a two year difference, we both knew it didn't matter. 

He threw His hands up in defeat and picked up the cards I had dealt Him. "Whatever." He could be so dramatic sometimes for no reason. It was just how He was and it was humorous at the same time. 

I smiled at Him before going on to explain the game. I had become a master at it and easily slayed both my mom and Him in the first round. 

"That's not fair," my mom declared after I announced my victory and threw in my cards. 

"This is absolute bullshit," He said in exasperation. 

I gave them a knowing look. "Now look at who's the best sibling. 

My mom laughed freely. "Just because you beat Him in a card game, doesn't mean you're the favorite child. And, you," she eyed Him, "need to step up your game."

"Woah, woah, woah, wait a minute," He flung His hands into the air, catching my shoulder in the process. 

My mom and I both glared at Him. 

"Are you saying I'm the favorite child?" He asked with His hands still in the air. 

My mom just looked at me, then back to Him without saying anything. 

"Yeah, because, uhh," he started saying with fake arrogance in His voice, "that's basically what you…" 

He didn't have a chance to finish before my mom smacked him in the back of His head, just enough to make Him dip His head. 

"Woah, woah, woah, that's assault, young lady," He joked. 

"Since when was I young? Wow, keep coming with the compliments." my mom sounded surprised as she gave my brother a warm smile. 

This was one of those moments I missed being home. With my mom and Him, laughing at the dinner table; I could remember moments like these that happened so often back home. How much I took for granted, I don't know yet, but what I do know is, I was surrounded by people who truly cared about me and cherished me.

We played probably five more rounds of Rummy before one of the staff announced our time was up.

I stood up with tears in my eyes and gave my mom and Him a big bear hug. 

"I love you too, little squirrel," He said softly as I let go of them both. 

"I love you as well, Kayla," my mom whispered, leaving the embrace.

I grabbed my gift bag and was escorted back to my pod. 

The teens sat around the group room, watching a movie that I didn't know the title of. Finch was curled up on the plastic chair in a position that looked the opposite of comfy. Beck turned towards me and motioned for me to sit beside her. 

"You missed most of Mrs. Doubtfire," Beck breathed, eyes concentrating back on the movie.

"Oh, that movie that you told me about with Robin Williams?" 

Beck nodded, glancing quickly at me then back to the movie. "Yeah. It's one of my favorites, but I haven't seen it in so long."

I took a seat beside her, trying to get comfortable in the plastic chair. Of course, within five minutes I lost interest. I got up and after a few minutes of looking through coloring pages, I found one with a fox surrounded by flowers and went to my room to color. 

The coloring page was so intricate with so many different sections that I only got a fourth of it done before a staff member knocked on the open door. 

"Whatcha working on?" David asked, smiling at me. 

"A fox.. Do you like it?" I asked, holding up the page. 

He nodded. "I like the colors you chose. It's med time so make sure to get those when you have the chance" 

"Thanks," I beamed. 

David stood there a second more. "Do you want hot chocolate? You know I can make killer cocoa."

I turned around in the chair and bobbed my head. "Sure." 

"How about we head out to the big room and check in? I'll make that hot chocolate, and then we can head out." 

"Okay," I turned back to my coloring and waited for him to leave. Everyday we had to check in with the staff that we were assigned to, and everyday, without failing, it made me an anxious mess. I don't know why, I just hated talking to people about how I was feeling when I didn't even know how I was feeling to begin with. 

Seconds later, I heard footsteps walking away. 

I suddenly felt unmotivated to finish my coloring page. I stuck it to the side of the desk and took the crayons back out to the group room. The clock read 9, which was thirty minutes until we needed to go to bed. 

I went back to my room and sat on my bed, reading a poorly written suspense novel. 

David knocked on the door a couple minutes later, holding a steaming Styrofoam cup. "Ready?"

I gently set the book face-down on my bed, and got up to follow him. 

We headed out to the big room and sat down across from each other on the hard floor. 

"This gets harder every time," David groaned, slowly lowering himself onto the floor. 

I nodded, taking a sip of the hot cocoa while keeping my eyes low. The foam on top swirled around, making different shapes and diving under the liquid. 

"Good?" David asked.

"Yeah," I whispered, taking another long sip.

"That's good. Beck always says it takes like hot chocolate back in Chicago." 

I've never been to Chicago so I just nodded, getting the courage to look him in the face. 

"Did you get your meds yet?" He questioned. Wrinkles in his dark skin showed through under the fluorescent lights, making him look older than his late forties. 

"No, not yet," I answered honestly.I looked up to see another patient from my pod, Danny, getting his at the med window.

"How about you get those awhile, then we can chat," he suggested. 

I nodded then got up and stood behind Danny, looking up at the high ceiling. 

When it came to be my turn, I took the two small pills reluctantly, internally angry. I hated taking pills, and they didn't even do anything for me. 

"Open," the nurse instructed. 

I opened my mouth and let her poke around with a stick. They had had problems with kids taking their pills, but not swallowing them and instead spitting them out when they had the chance. I had thought about doing that, but I didn't want to get in trouble. 

Once given the green light, I walked calmly back to David. Noone really knew how pissed off I was at being pressured into being on medications. "It'll help you feel better," they say. "Just try it." But I knew if I agreed to take even one, sooner or later, I'd be on a dozen, probably dependent on them. I didn't need meds; I could hang in there. 

David and I chatted about group that day. Not sure why, I would have rather been in my room at that time. I liked David and all, but to be honest, sometimes I just was so tired of talking about my treatment and therapy. I mean, it's okay once a week or something, but therapy twice a day, everyday and private sessions on top of that was just too much for me to handle. 

"So how did you relate to that?" David asked after following up on the activity about coping with anger. 

"It made me realize some new tools I could use when I'm angry" I lied just to make it seem like I was getting better. 

"That's always nice. Can you give me some examples?" He further inquired. 

I pressed my lips together. "Deep breathing and that 5,4,3,2,1 exercise seem like they would help," I answered, faking a yawn. 

"That's so helpful," he encouraged. "Alrighty, I'll let you get to bed," David smiled, slowly raising himself. Something popped in his leg, causing him to grimace. 

I didn't say anything, just got up and waited for him to straighten out. 

He smiled at me, then let me back into my pod. Beck sat in the same chair, my place being taken by Max, a small trans boy with black hair settling right about his eyes. They looked up when I approached.

"Hey, Kayla, the movie's about over. Wanna play rummy after?" Beck asked. 

"Sure," was always my answer. I wasn't sure if Beck realized the time, though. Surely one round wouldn't hurt.

I waited patiently until the credits were displayed. 

"Alright, everyone get ready for bed," one of the staff announced, turning off the movie.

"One deal?" Beck whispered, quickly pulling out her neon cards and dealing us each a hand.

The staff leader gave us a look as everyone else got up and slowly meandered to their rooms. Several people headed to the water jug while others went straight to their rooms or to a staff to unlock the bathroom. 

"Do you want to play, Olivia?" Beck asked as a younger girl walked past us. She shook her head before passing us to her shared room. 

"One round, you two," one of the staff said matter-of-factly. 

Beck went first, pulling a card from the draw pile and discarding a three of clubs. I put my cards in order of class, and then assessed the situation. I ended up picking up from the draw pile as Beck had done. 

The game went quicker than expected. Beck had gotten a pretty good hand and scored 65 points. I was barely above the negatives, resting at 15 points. Because of two aces and a few face cards I had hoarded, it eliminated most of my points. Rummy was played differently by each player I knew, so if you have a different way of playing it, I completely understand. 

I headed to my room to see Josh reading on his bed. 

Silently, I picked my book up off my bed, and opened it to the page I was on. Settling onto my bed, I propped a pillow up and rested against it. 

The words soon turned blurry so I set it facedown on my desk, removed my glasses, and sunk into bed. Well, not really sunk; the mattress was hard as fuck.

"Should I turn off the lights?" I heard Josh say softly. 

"That'd be great."

Footsteps led to a click, and then everything went black. 

As I laid there on my back, as tired as I was, I couldn't fall asleep. I was on a sleeping med at the time, but still found it hard to let go of the overwhelming thoughts. 

First of all, I couldn't quite believe I had spent Christmas in a mental hospital. I missed my family so much. Christmas was supposed to be about family and now I had no idea how far away I was from my mom and Him. I wondered what they had done on this special day. Tradition was church Christmas morning and then a party with my grandparents and extended family in the afternoon. How I missed my cousins and aunts and uncles. Even if we weren't the closest, we were family. 

I felt lonely at the time, lying in the darkness, even though Josh was a couple feet away. I didn't hear him at all, maybe he had already fallen asleep. 

I sighed, then rolled on my side facing the wall.

 I wanted to go home so badly. I opened my eyes and stared into the abyss. 

Suddenly, the door squeaked open and a light passed around the room. 

"Still alive," I stated blankly to whichever staff held the flashlight. 

"Just doing fifteen minute checks," was the response. 

I heard footsteps receding and another door open, probably the room beside us. 

The room stayed slightly lit, suggesting the door had been left open.

I let out a frustrated sigh. 

I laid awake until I felt the meds slowly take over. Soon I let my mind run blank as the chemicals did their magic.