Tears

"Why?" the girl asked, looking down. "Why won't you let me go? Wouldn't it be better if I just drop dead? If I die, then you wouldn't need to suffer any more than you already have."

The man was quiet, but she continued talking. "With me gone, you could inherit the money mom and dad left for me and move somewhere far away. If you're worried about the will, I've already made a new one." She then looked up at him with tears in her eyes. "Please, if you really love me, you have to let me go."

"...Is this really what you want? Even if I say no?" The man asked, and like the girl, his eyes brimmed with tears. "I've promised Iris and Noah a long time ago that I would protect you with my life. I know I would do anything for you, but no matter what you tell me, my answer will always be the same."

His hands then balled into fists. "Faith, you're… you're all I have. If you leave, where am I supposed to go? How am I supposed to continue living if you're not here?"

***

I slowly opened my eyes, brimming with tears.

Why did I suddenly dream about that conversation? I thought to myself, noticing an unfamiliar ceiling.

"This… isn't my room."

I heard a door open, revealing Serena wearing her usual attire with a green apron, walking towards me.

"Ah, you're awake," Serena gave me a weak smile when she saw me, looking tired and depressed. In her hands is a tray with a bowl, spoon, and fruits on the side, giving it to me.

I stared at it, especially the bowl of rice with water. It looked normal, but the rice looked like mushy porridge that went wrong.

I look back at Serena, who jokingly spoke, "Come on! My cooking's not that bad! I've improved! I promised!"

Maybe it's because of what happened today, she's trying to lighten the mood by using that silly smile of hers. However, despite it not reaching her eyes, I cannot deny that I didn't dislike that part of her.

Because… it reminded me of "her" a lot.

"Then, how many cups of rice did you do?" I asked her.

Serena then replied, "Er… I used bowls, so two bowls of rice."

"Okay, then how many bowls of water did you do?"

"Um… I just filled it all the way up."

"..."

"..."

'..."

I could hear a cricket sound chirping as I sighed in disbelief. "Did you not use the finger method?"

I looked at her, and she smiled nervously. "I think it was right" is what her face is telling me. I sighed one last time and took a spoonful bite in my mouth.

"Is it that bad?" asked the nervous Serena.

"Yes, and the rice looks more like porridge," I replied and took another bite.

"Eh? You're still eating it?"

I didn't reply and continued finishing the rice water like porridge. When I finished, the two of us didn't converse for some time as I peeled a clementine orange.

"Here. You needed it," I said to Serena by taking her hand and giving her the orange. She was surprised but nodded and ate it as I opened another one.

"Ser–" The two of us spoke in sync, surprising each other. "I'm sorry. I, well, you–"

"This... is going nowhere," I turned my head away.

"I agree," Serena replied, doing the same.

"Then, I'll start first. Does… your cheek hurt?"

Serena then touched the bandage on her cheek and beamed at me. "It's no big deal, Serenity. This will heal over time, I promise."

Lies. It must've hurt.

"I'm sorry." I then looked down at my hands, fidgeting them. "I'm sorry for yelling at you. I'm sorry… for not trusting you, Serena."

I feel small flashbacks of deja vu occurring in my mind, and I felt a small squeeze tugging my heart. Deep inside, I know that I won't be forgiven, nor will I be able to forgive myself, remembering today's events.

I closed my eyes, getting ready to be scolded.

"You don't have to say sorry, Serenity," Serena said as my eyes widened at her response, realizing that she was patting my head.

"It's understandable for you to be mad and not trust me, and… I understand if you wished to not go–"

"I lied!" I interrupted, looking up at her with pleading eyes. "I still want to stay at Crimson High!"

For a moment there, it seemed like the whole world turned quiet for us when I abruptly made that remark. However, the once confused Serena suddenly laughed and smiled. And this time, it seemed genuine.

"You're so cute, Serenity! You know, you don't have to act like an adult in front of me. It's true that being an adult means holding lots of responsibilities, and being 18 means the start of becoming one. However--"

Something inside my chest made my heart feel at ease. As I could feel it fluttering, tingling in warmth, without knowing, tears overflowed my eyes. Serena noticed and comforted me,

That moment I couldn't hold my emotions anymore and like a child, I wept.

"What's the main point to care for someone… even though they never cared for you from the beginning?" I asked slowly so that Serena could understand.

Serena thought for a minute. "Well… you just care for that person. Is this… related to Hanako?"

I nodded. "What Nuera said is true. Before Hanako died, the two of us argued about..." I then paused and took a deep breath. "No one knows about this but me, and it is about her and another friend not present at school."

"Both her and the friend weren't at school?"

"Yes. It's been a couple of months, and one day, I got called to the principal's office. He told me that the two suddenly dropped out. He could understand why the other friend made that decision, but Hanako was a different story."

"Can you tell me how she is different?"

"Hanako... is from a prestigious family. As you've already known, the Corrines are her family."

"Ah." Serena nodded her head, understanding about it.

"As a friend, I was worried about the two, so I reassured the principal that I'll contact them at the end of the day after working on my part-time job."

"At the end of your part-time job, did you contact them?"

"I was about to leave when my shift ended; however, Hanako suddenly came into my workplace, looking frustrated. Since I was the only one present, and because the rest of the staff left and it was closing time, the two of us talked, and things... escalated from there."

"What do you mean?"

"I.. That day, I was angry at Hanako. I told her it was selfish of her and the other friend to drop out of school because the three of us promised that we would graduate together. We planned to go to Crimson High. But…"

"But?"

I took another deep breath.

"Hanako said, I wasn't protecting her and the friend. Rather, it is me protecting myself. And... she's not wrong."

"......"

"You know the rest. The two of us fought, Hanako left the cafe, I ran after her, and then—"

"She got into a car accident."

"...It was never my intention to hurt her, and… Neura wasn't wrong about the fact that I killed Hanako. I hurt her with my harsh words before she died."

"…Can I ask?" Serena let go of her hand from my head. "Do you believe what those girls say to you is true? Saying that Hanako was using you."

I looked down and answered, "Up until now, I've always had my doubts. Whether the truth of Hanako's intentions turned out true, I still believe our friendship is genuine. But for this case, I think it wouldn't matter because... she's not around anymore."

"Serenity…" Serena then wiped my tears away.

"You must be tired," I sniffed and gave her a small smile. "You should rest. I've been babbling to you all day."

"Are you sure?" She asked with concern. "We can take it slow if you like."

"Then… I'll do just that. Good night, Serena."

"You too, dear." Serena held the tray and left the room, turning off the lights.

As I made sure that her footsteps were gone, I scooted myself away from the edge of the bed as my back gently touched the wall. I then embraced my legs, covering my face as if to shut the world away from seeing me in a horrible state even more than before.

"If only," I whimpered. "If only I didn't say those words, none of this would've happened."

The tears that Serena had wiped away are streaming down my eyes once again.

A small fragment of my memory that I recalled is Uncle telling me I should always think before I speak out loud. Because sometimes, whatever it is in your mind, it could be hurtful towards someone.

"Hanako," I whispered and looked up at the ceiling. "I know you will never forgive me for your death, and it's fine if you still hate me even. Even so, always know that I love you and… I'm willing to atone for my mistakes. After all--"

I then placed a hand on my chest, feeling my slow heartbeat.

"I'm going to die anyway."