Chapter Seventeen

After a numb return to my dorm and a dry sleep, I awoke the next morning with a note taped to my bedroom dorm. The outside read "To be read only by Agent Feckter." Underneath that was another line in large letters: "NOT FOR SYTRA."

I grumbled and took it off my door. I didn't have the energy to change last night, only slip off my multi-pocketed jacket and turn off the lights. It was hard to do much when my mind was a minefield.

I walked back over to my unmade bed and plopped back on the sheets. I opened the note.

"Dear Feckter,

I'm sorry about yesterday. I'm sorry that you're going through this. I wish things could be different, but it looks like you and I are just going to have to tough it out.

Here's the event that we spoke about."

Another slip of paper fell out of the note. This one was different.

It was a square slip of "tech paper," a type of commonly used B.L.A.D.E. technology. You could write on its surface with any writing utensil, and you could embed a certain black agency member's fingerprint into it. All B.L.A.D.E. agents' fingerprints were stored in the agency's database, so anyone could leave a fingerprint-activated note for anyone.

My thumb and forefinger were already holding the note, so it scanned my fingers, and a small green check mark appeared. Then Chief's small, neat handwriting appeared.

"Hey Feckter. This is an invite to the meeting I've set up.. One with all of my most trusted agents. There's a lot of us in this agency, so I've picked out the ones that have been on the most successful missions. Expect a group of about 20. It will be at my office, after the second agency-wide meeting. That one will begin this evening at 10am and end at 10:30, I expect you and everyone else in my office at 10:45. You don't need to bring anything. Thanks."

Okay.

Usually, with this day off until the meeting tonight, I would get my grappler. Find a high rise to jump onto. Wander down the rows of concrete and gray. Sprint along rooftops until my head was clear.

But this wasn't.. my usual.

WHY ARE WE STILL AT HQ?

WE CAN'T LEAD A ONE-MAN RESCUE MISSION! WE'LL DIE!

WE CAN'T JUST LEAVE HIM THERE!

WE DON'T CARE IF HE DIES.

A knock on my door.

"Yeah?" I asked in a groggy voice.

"Hey..?" Sytra's voice came from the other side. I didn't realize I needed her until now.

"Hi, Sy." The two words rhymed. I enjoyed saying it, it was common when we were children.

"You doin' alright?" She looked at me with the same concerned expression I'd gotten from Chief. The same look of sympathy, of pity. Of love. One that I couldn't handle right now.

I looked away. She sat beside me on my bed.

"I'm.. struggling a bit." It seemed impossible to me to lie to her about my feelings.

"I'm sorry."

Her words did little to settle me, but I appreciated them nonetheless. "Thanks."

"How's your head?"

"It's a.. series of wars. This one's still going from last night."

Those eyes. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

You don't have to be sorry. You didn't do this.

THAT CURSED BOY DID. THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.

HE CAN'T HELP WHO HE WAS BORN TO.

SAVE HIM. GET UP AND SAVE HIM BEFORE HE DIES.

HE DOESN'T DESERVE IT IN ANY WAY!!

Her words cut through the noise. "Can I help you? What can I do?"

I looked at the floor. "There's nothing you can do, Sy. You didn't do this, you can't fix it. This is all on Dix."

"I know, girl. And I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I wish I could go back and change things."

A moment passed. A thousand words raced through my head.

"I'm going to the gym. Maybe punching something will help."

"Whatever you gotta do." She stood, and seemed to appreciate that I could take control. That I could handle this.

"Thanks." I looked at her. In the eyes, this time. "For being here."

"Anytime." She backed up, started walking towards the door. She never mentioned Colves, and for that I was grateful. She knew I needed just her, not her and her new boyfriend.

"I'll see you.. when I feel better."

"Yeah, just.. let me know." She gave me a smile of sympathy. I just nodded as she closed the door.

I needed to let some steam off.

Changing and preparing to leave was a blur. I barely felt myself grab my keys, my knife, my water bottle, and tape for my hands. I waved to Sy without a word.

Out into the hallway, into the elevator, past the guards, into the night. The gym was three blocks from here.

The buzzing streetlights, the blaring sounds of traffic, the chill of the evening winds. It was so familiar, such a part of me. Details of Kistra that I would never forget.

I was always comfortable at night, alone. It was how I'd always done it. I had no reason to fear. Besides, I had a weapon.

The gym was in a slightly newer building than the ones that I'd stormed on missions. This was the closest one to B.L.A.D.E. headquarters, so it was commonly used by B.L.A.D.E. members.

I walked in, and the receptionist looked up. She had long, blonde hair tied up in a ponytail. Her eyes reminded me of a deer. She gestured to an electronic sign-in machine, which I put my name into and had my thumb fingerprinted. When it blinked green, she waved me on.

I opened the next door and walked into the main room. I was hit with the scent of sweat and cleaning supplies. The room had all kinds of electronic workout machines, from treadmills to ellipticals, from exercise bikes to vertical climbers. There were doors to the left and right, past all the equipment. The right was for yoga classes, and the left was my favorite part of the whole gym.

I went in, and a row of punching bags greeted me. There were some tackling dummies, speed bags, and stands of boxing gloves. Off to the side, there was a large matted space for wrestling.

Thankfully, no one was here. The place was open 24-hours, but nocturnal B.L.A.D.E. members preferred earlier in the evening.

I walked up to a punching bag and put my things on the ground beside me. I looked down at my hands and began the process of taping them up, the action smooth with familiarity. Once my knuckles were covered, I took a deep breath.

WE NEED TO GET DIXTER.

WHO CARES ABOUT HIM??

WE DO. WE'RE THE ONLY ONES THAT CARE ABOUT HIM THIS MUCH.

HE BETRAYED B.L.A.D.E.! AND US!

EVERYONE DESERVES A SECOND CHANCE!

I narrowed my eyes.

WE SHOULD LEAVE HIM TO DIE.

WE NEED TO GO RESCUE HIM! WE'RE THE ONLY ONES THAT WOULD!

My fists clenched. I dropped the tape.

THERE'S NOTHING WE CAN DO! THE AGENCY'S SURVIVAL IS AT STAKE!

THE LIFE OF OUR SOULMATE IS AT STAKE!

I hit the bag as hard as I could. Pain shot up my arm.

IF WE ATTACK WITH CHIEF'S GROUP, WE'LL HAVE A BETTER CHANCE OF SUCCESS!

IF WE GO ON OUR OWN, NO ONE CAN STOP US.

I hit it with my other hand. My anger rose. My frustration.

HE WILL DIE!

WE DON'T CARE!

My stress. My confusion. My broken heart.

HIS FATHER WILL KILL HIM!

HE DESERVES IT.

The fire in my veins. Everything I've kept under my skin.

I threw everything I had at that punching bag.

This time, the voices in my head were my own.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT HE DESERVES BUT NOTHING IS WORTH CHIEF'S DISAPPOINTMENT.

I DON'T KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT HIM BUT SCREAMING JUST TEARS MY HEAD APART.

My fingers began to bleed.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S BEST FOR THE AGENCY BUT I KNOW WE HAVE TO WIN THE WAR.

I DON'T KNOW WHO I CAN TRUST BUT I HAVE CHIEF AND SY.

My skin was getting redder. Face, neck.

I DON'T KNOW WHERE I'M GOING BUT IT HAS TO BE AGAINST M.A.S.K.

I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M CONFUSED. I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M SO ANGRY.

I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW.

Punch after punch, the tape was coming off. I couldn't feel my hands.

ALL I KNOW IS THAT I AM MADE OF ANGER AND FIRE.

Soon, my unprotected hands were punching, punching, punching. Every hit felt like I was beating the voices in my head.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND BUT I WILL.

Anger and fire. Anger and fire.

Blood dripped from my knuckles. When it dropped to the ground, I froze.

My color's voice rang through my mind, silencing the screams.

Do not harm yourself because you are confused. You need these hands to save your agency.

I dropped to the ground, my bloody fists in front of me.

She's right. She's right.

She was the water in my fire.

Her voice returned one final time.

I love you too much to watch you destroy yourself.

At that, I slumped against the wall and pulled my knees to my chest. A tear slipped from my eye.

My color's voice left me, but her truth returned to me. You can't be you if you're too busy wrecking yourself. I could almost see her concerned, teal face.

I had taken control. This voice was one of self-preservation. No more screaming. You cannot have peace if you are screaming.

I buried my face in my arms. Okay.

You'll figure this out. You always do.

When I returned to my dorm later that night, Sytra was standing patiently in the kitchen. I guess she'd been waiting for me.

Her darker-toned face looked scrunched with worry. It all melted away when she saw me open the front door.

"What took you so long? Usually you're only at the gym for–" Then she saw my bloodied hands. "Oh, Grace.. What happened?"

"I.." I couldn't speak. I had no words left in my head.

She wrapped me in her arms, and I took in her scent, her beauty products and dark brown hair. I relied on her to hold me up. She understood, and just held me.

I buried my face in her shoulder. "I'm sorry.. I should have come to you sooner, I just.."

"Shh sh shh. Feckter, you're fine." She spoke in soft tones.

"Thank you."

She waited until I withdrew, then held me by my shoulders and looked into my eyes. "But seriously. What happened to you?"

"I went up to a punching bag, and let everything out.. I didn't feel like myself."

"Well, you haven't been yo'self."

"I know."

I looked down, ashamed. "Sytra, I just.. My mind's been splitting down the middle. Whether I forgive him or not. Whether I should rescue him or not."

"Well, you can't go in there alone. If you do decide to go in, can you promise me that you'll tell me?"

"Yeah," I lied. I knew I wouldn't tell her. But I had to comfort her.

"So.. Do you at least feel better?"

"Yeah." I exhaled and stepped away from her. "At least, the voices in my head have stopped screaming."

"That's good." She looked at me with those eyes again.

Concern. For me. For my mental health. Sympathy for everything that's happened to me.

I couldn't look at them.

"Could I be.. distracted?" The words left me.

Her face lit up the second I spoke. "Ooh! Can I tell you about Colves and me?"

I smiled, nodding my head towards the couch. "Yes. As soon as I wash up."

"Yeah, yeah." She waved me off to my room.

I went in, and walked over to the bathroom smiling. She's excited. She'll distract me.

I turned on the faucet. I turned it to a warm setting, and put my bloodied hands under. It stung, just for a second. Then the red began to wash down the sink.

I rubbed my hands, carefully. As gentle as a mother's touch.

I was beginning to care about myself again.

I emerged from my room in a new hoodie and with brushed hair. Clean, bandaged hands. They were black to hide the stains. Sytra didn't have to see my wounded knuckles.

I plopped down on the couch across from Sy. "So. Tell me everything."

After her concern, and her realization that this would truly benefit me, she was her old self again. "Okay, girl, you are not going to believe this.."

"So, okay. You had just left with.. him, and then I got a message from Colves that he was free, and he was wondering if I wanted to hang out. I, obviously, said yes, and we went out to another one of his favorite restaurants. It was Italian, and we had pizza and pasta and it was to die for. You'd love it. So, after that, he found this little cafe dessert place on a roof a couple blocks down, and he was telling me about how he found all these places, and everything about his family and his cooking and gardening. He told me so many things about him, it was kind of funny. Like, did you know that when he cuts onions, he doesn't cry?"

"Uh.. No?" I smiled wearily at the speed she was talking.

"Exactly! There's so many things. Anyways, I told him some things about me, how we were a trio, then a duo, whatever, my life.. Then we got to the cafe. It was so cute and small and it had a great outdoor patio.. But yeah. He ordered a hot chocolate and I got a coffee, and we watched traffic and people watched. The lights there were adorable.."

I let her carry me away as she described her night with her new boyfriend. I just imagined I was her, and I wished it, just for a moment. To be at peace with your lover. To not be in a constant state of mental war because of him. Silence, just for a night.

"..And then when we got back to HQ, he kissed me! I didn't think the day would come, but here we are! And he asked me if I wanted to be his girlfriend and I was like, "Did you see what you just did there? You really gon' give me a kiss and still feel the need to ask? Of course," and he got all smiley and blushy and that was last night."

Her night was the exact opposite of mine, but I was grateful. I was glad she found someone as special as Colves.

She gave a love-struck sigh and dramatically collapsed on the couch across from me. "Oh, Feckter, he's just wonderful.."

I smiled. I was truly happy for her. Dixter's face flashed in my mind. "I'm so glad. As long as he doesn't break your heart, or leave you, or cheat.."

She sat up and gave me one of her famed Sytra expressions. Lip out, eyebrow raised. "You met him, din't you? He can do no wrong."

"Sy, we all make mistakes. I just hope he's good to you."

"He will. I can tell. I know it in my gut." She gave me a determined face, like she just decided that Colves would treat her properly.

"That's good," I sighed and stood. Stretched. "Aight. I'm gonna get somethin' to eat."

"Snacks!" Sytra sang, bouncing off the couch and into the kitchen.

I chuckled. "You and food."

"It's the only thing keeping me sane, Feckter!"

We snacked, we joked, we laughed. I kept teasing her about Colves. We talked about anything and everything to keep Dixter off my mind. Dixter, and the war that was coming.

We stopped talking when we heard Chief's voice from the ceiling. "Agents. There's going to be an agency meeting this evening at 10am. Tell everyone who's out and didn't hear this message. Agency meeting tonight at 10am. Thank you."

Sytra looked above us. "I wonder what this one's about."

I remembered the fingerprint-activated note I received earlier today. "I think it may be about.. the war."

"Really? Didn't she tell everyone about her plan already?"

"Yeah but, if you couldn't tell by the large number of people there, she was describing it to all who would listen. That means M.A.S.K. She did it to purposely throw off the spies among us, so they could report the wrong information to their leaders."

Her eyes went blank for a second, and it occured to me that she'd forgotten we have spies. "That makes a lot of sense when you say it like that."

"Yeah." Her announcement reminded me.

"Sy.. I forgot to tell you. Chief doesn't want you to know where I'm going, so I have to keep my mouth shut, but I have to be somewhere right after the meeting tonight. You can just come back here when it's over."

She waved a finger in my face, and her sassy attitude returned. "So you get to go to some secret little meeting with the leader of B.L.A.D.E. while I just go home and sleep?"

"Doesn't that sound good though?" I smirked.

"You're right. Maybe I'll just do that." She laughed, and I felt normal. At least for a moment.

Oh Sy. You don't know that this meeting is going to change everything. I don't think you truly realize that some people won't be returning to their dorms.

But, once this is all over, we can finally have some peace.

And maybe I'll figure out Dix.

"So, yeah," I laughed and stood. "Alright, I think I'm gonna rest for a bit. I'll be in my room."

"Yeah, sure. I'll see you later." She waved me on.

I'm so lucky to have a best friend that understands.

Once I was in my room, I changed into comfy clothes and sat on the side of my bed. I laid back, and just looked around me. I loved the drawings I had against the wall, the songs pinned up on one of the others. The random paint splashes of teal I'd thrown up when I was younger, the thick and thin lines of teal on my bedspread. The neon teal "create." sign above my bed. The one that flickered. My dresser, and the modern lights that hung above me. I had them on the lowest setting, because I preferred the teal in my room to stand out more than white.

I pulled out the lights' small remote, and turned them off. I slid an arm under my pillow, set an alarm for 9:30am on my phone, and went off to sleep.

I awoke from a dreamless sleep, the buzzing and twinkling notes from my phone serving as my alarm. I sat upright and rubbed my eyes, feeling somewhat rested. My eyes widened when I realized I had a war meeting to attend. In thirty minutes.

Oh boy.

I quickly got dressed, throwing on a new outfit. I went into the bathroom and got ready for the meeting, and what would come after it. I came out ten minutes later feeling refreshed.

It was time to grab some food before it started. "Sy, you ready yet?" I asked as I shut my bedroom door.

"Aughhh." Sytra's groan emerged from the room across the living room.

"Sy," I laughed and walked over. I slowly opened her bedroom door, and noticed her lumpy figure still in bed. She was softly illuminated by her many neon orange lightning bolt stickers scattered throughout her room. The large orange sphere lights above her bed were on the dimmest setting. "Come on. There's an agency meeting in twenty minutes."

Her eyes shot wide open. "Oh shoot."

I stood in the doorframe. "I know, sleepy head," I smirked as I watched her stand and throw the covers back. "Rise from your beauty sleep!"

She threw a scowl at me. "You're not helping. Now get out, I need to change."

"Okay, okay." I turned and closed the door.

The meeting! You get to meet the people you'll storm M.A.S.K. HQ with! After Chief does her other speech!

Shouldn't we be rescuing Dix? He'll be in the building once we get there.

Don't start screaming. It was a plea for peace.

I will if we don't make up our minds.

Didn't we already do that?

I rubbed my temples. Oh, God.

"I'll be ready in a few, Feckter!" Sytra exclaimed from behind the door.

"Yep!" I replied. Ice wedging my mind in two.

Not again.

Just before the voices screamed, Sy yelled out from her bedroom. "Hey, Grace?"

Thank you. I exhaled and replied. "Yeah?"

"I have a random question.. Have you ever been jealous of me?"

I thought of all the times I'd fought alongside Sytra on all those countless missions. When we would work together as a team, sometimes with Dix, sometimes not. I thought of all the times I'd walked past her room and heard her guitar through the walls, making the dorm vibrate. Watching her eat food like it was her last day on Riedhak.

"Yes, Sy. I've been jealous of you. Of your passion, your messiness, the fact that you didn't try to be perfect. You have always been loud, confident. You didn't care about anyone's opinion of you. You were simply you."

She opened the door and leaned against the doorframe. I stood in the hallway as I continued. "Even now, I'm jealous of your newfound love. Your soulmate isn't currently inside M.A.S.K. headquarters, the son of B.L.A.D.E.'s greatest enemy, probably either in chains or seated in his father's office. YOUR soulmate isn't causing your mind to split with indecision, to rescue him or not."

I gripped the sides of my head. "I've had voices screaming in my head ever since the white agency took him."

"Grace, I'm so sorry.." She came over and rubbed my back. "I didn't mean to.."

"It's okay." I stood to my full height and gently waved her hand away. "I'll be okay. But yes, I've been jealous."

Please don't start screaming.

"Is that why you went to the gym? Did it help?" Sy asked.

I nodded towards the front door, gesturing that we should be leaving if we were going to make it on time. "Yes, that's why I went."

I opened the door and let her go first. "It helped.. some. I'm going to have bruised knuckles for a little while."

She looked down at my bandaged hands as I shut the door. "Can I help?"

I shook my head. "No, I don't think so. Thank you, Sy."

She gave me an uneasy smile as we walked towards the elevator. "Of course."

When we arrived on level 5 two minutes past 10am, which felt like 2am for B.L.A.D.E. agents, I realized that this meeting was going to be much more serious. Just by stepping out of the elevator I sensed a growing tension, a stress from every agent amongst the crowd. The elevators to the left and right of the central one we'd come out of were flooded with people arriving for the agency meeting.

Chief stood at the front of the room, and began testing the microphone. "Hello?" Once she was sure it was working properly, she stood to her full height and looked over the crowd.

She waited until every pair of eyes was on her, spies and all. She was fully aware. "Good evening, agents. Morning, really. Today I have some very important information to share with you all: The means of our attack against M.A.S.K."

The crowd cheered in a tired way, simply because of the time. The entire room perked up with the word "attack." I felt Sy tense next to me.

"It'll be fine." I tried to give her a reassuring glance. She nodded, her dark brown hair bouncing.

Chief's voice poured out from the speakers. "Members of B.L.A.D.E. Preparing for this war has been tough. We have fewer numbers than our enemy. We have less perfected weapons, we have less trained individuals. It may seem like a disheartening ratio.

"But let me promise to you all: There is nothing more that I believe in than the people standing in this room."

Cheers, much more excited shouts, erupted from the agents. I could feel it in the hearts of the agency: if their Chief believed in them, B.L.A.D.E. could truly accomplish anything. I felt as though this had been true for a great line of Chiefs, all those who were before ours.

"I know that you all have a lot of questions. I'll begin answering them. How many days until we attack? Six. Who will be going? Any agent who has been training sufficiently, and is in the appropriate age range. I understand that most of you have been keeping up with your training simply because you're actively on the field, doing operations. Those fighting will receive a drafting notification, it will be delivered to their dorms. Where will we be fighting? We will be attacking M.A.S.K. headquarters, infiltrating it via the front doors."

She looked around the room, over the crowd she was so dearly devoted to. "What's happening with agent-assigned missions? I've decided that only the most critical missions remain. All side operations will be postponed until further notice. What will change with training? It will get more rigorous. I've hired some advanced trainers that will prepare those eligible for war."

The crowd seemed a little more anxious. Who would be selected to fight? Who would train to prepare for the battle? Who would have to possibly sacrifice themselves for the future of the agency? Who would save the agency?

"I know you're all probably wondering how we're going to attack. It's simple, really.." She continued on to explain the plan from yesterday all over again, the plan she called "Plan C, edit D."

But I knew that all of this was a decoy. She was planting the seeds in the spies, so that the false plan would be delivered straight to the members of M.A.S.K. The real plan was going to be a lot simpler: A small group of us sneak into our enemy's headquarters and kill their president before the scheduled day to attack.

I had a feeling that M.A.S.K. would win if our small party didn't assassinate the leader of the white agency. If you looked at our odds, we were pretty much dead. They had much better training, a lot more numbers, and more advanced weapons.. Besides the weapons we've stolen from them. We could use their technology against them. But we didn't have enough to go around.

"..And we do a victory lap around M.A.S.K. HQ before promptly turning it into an orphanage. What do you guys think?" Chief asked the crowd.

A very excited Woop! came from those around me, and several pumped their fists. I began to grin at the thought.

"We'll be victorious yet! I can feel it," Chief said, beaming. Now, whether she truly felt this way or whether she was just trying to give us hope, I didn't know.

"And that's it! Again, those who are eligible for war will know very soon. If you have any questions, feel free to ask me or one of the executives. And remember: We are going to win!" she shouted with wild hope.

The agents all throughout the room cheered, throwing their hands up. They all turned for the exit. The time was approaching 10:30am.

Sytra was next to me, talking nervously about who would be chosen and what they'd have to do. Her words blended into the background noise. The only thing I was focused on was meeting those who would accompany me for the most dangerous mission I'd ever been on.

Their faces, their attitudes, their names, their colors. I had no idea.

The meeting, the meeting, the meeting. There was nothing else on my mind. Sytra tried to speak with me, but it was clear that I was distracted. And with the wave of agents leaving level 5, we couldn't communicate.

The elevator doors closed, and when our dorm's floor came, Sy got off. She seemed to remember what I'd told her about having something tonight. She waved goodbye, and our elevator went on.

The agents around me continued to slowly trickle out of the elevator, one by one. Eventually, the elevator reached the last of the dorm floors, and I was alone.

I pressed the button for level 2, and it took me up. As the elevator moved, my thoughts drifted back to my soulmate.

There was a part of me that was shocked. That couldn't believe someone as close as him could ever have anything that big to hide.

But then there was the voice telling me I'd always known. I'd always known that he was hiding something, I just didn't know what. That he'd always been one for mystery, for keeping his past and his secrets to himself. I'd always felt that when he left the trio, when he had a life separate from us for a time, that he'd changed. Something had happened.

I just never knew what.