Chapter 4: You Want Me to Be What?

[Xiao Baitu is online]

[Xiao Baitu —> You: Hello!]

[Xiao Baitu —> You: Let's party!]

[You —> Xiao Baitu: Sure]

Wang Canghai clicked on his game notifications, seeing the familiar invite pop up on his screen. Xiao Baitu was an online friend he'd met over the summer in a forum, and bonded over when he'd been unmotivated enough to reach out for help over the internet. It wasn't the best move, looking for advice through the internet, but he'd had nobody else.

`"...Could I talk to you?" Wang Canghai asked, tugging at his pant leg nervously. "It's been on...my mind for a while."

Hong Qiaocui didn't look back at him, preferring to keep writing at her papers. "I'm busy. Go talk to your friends today instead."`

That was the last time he'd opened up to his mother.

[Xiao Baitu —> You: Are you down to play ranked?]

[You —> Xiao Baitu: Yes]

[Xiao Baitu joined the game]

[Nifeng Qiyu joined the game]

The game consisted of six rounds with opposing sides competing for the capture of either one of the two sites, swapping the teams after each round. All in all, however close the match was, the end result was still a loss.

[Xiao Baitu —> You: Are you good? I noticed you're not playing as well today]

[You —> Xiao Baitu: I lost a fight today, if it could be called that.]

[Xiao Baitu —> You: There's always a next time. I'm not so good at winning fights too]

[You —> Xiao Baitu: Is there anything you can recommend to me? I want to get better.]

[Xiao Baitu —> You: I do, actually.]

[Xiao Baitu —> You: But does that mean you'll stop coming to me once I don't have anything to give you?]

Xiao Baitu's avatar looked sad as her character bowed her head.

[You —> Xiao Baitu: No]

[Xiao Baitu —> You: \(＾▽＾)/]

[Xiao Baitu —> You: You're working out right?]

[You —> Xiao Baitu: Yes]

[Xiao Baitu —> You: That's good. Strength is always an advantage in fights]

[Xiao Baitu —> You: What is it you have trouble with?]

[You —> Xiao Baitu: A lot of things. Reaction, timing, speed, power, technique are a few. My opponent was definitely faster than me.]

[Xiao Baitu —> You: Ah, I see. There's pros and cons to both speed and strength—with speed, you can wear them down and strike at them before they get you, but with strength, you're a lot harder to take down and you can knock them out quickly.]

[Xiao Baitu —> You: However, they lack elements of each other. Too much of a focus on speed will diminish your power, and too much emphasis on power will lose you out on speed. Remember to find a balance between the two. You can look up videos and articles online for that, or buy the book Fighting for Dummies. Teach yourself the basics first, since you're still lacking a solid foundation.]

[You —> Xiao Baitu: Thank you.]

`Speed and power,` Wang Canghai thought, leaning back in his chair as he balanced a pencil on his nose. Both of which are not impressive on my end. `I need to up my training, and start working on my speed. I can't let that happen again.`

—

`Crimson beads glowered against the shadows as the grip on his jacket became chokingly tight. Liang Shen's mouth moved, but the only thing Wang Canghai could think about was the way his teeth were bared at him, the tips of his mouth curled upwards in a vicious grin. `

—

Zhang Yiling didn't scare him—not in the way Liang Shen's bloodthirsty cruelty had, in the way his cold words had wormed its way into him and clung with an unrelenting vice-like grip. There was no gleeful intent to hurt, like every other opponent he'd had, and that was what threw him off.

She enjoyed the fight purely for the sake of it, not for control or domination.

`What a strange person,` he thought, leaning forward.

Liu Fengmian, on the other hand, was the other oddity. He knew the intricacies of technique—was in taekwondo, after all—and yet, his first instinct was to curl into himself like a caterpillar, as if a timid creature. Arrogance and ego made not a single bone in his body, but that hole was filled with something else—fear.

`I should probably go to him for help,` Wang Canghai thought, although it filled his mouth with a bitter taste. He couldn't help but feel a bit off inside, seeing as he'd never depended on anybody, nonetheless somebody he could potentially call a friend.

`It hasn't been a week yet,` he thought, sighing. `And a lot has happened.` During the summer, perhaps in a wishful fantasy, he'd imagined his highschool career to be full of decent classmates with academic qualities, and of bright days going through the motions of a normal life, like he'd wanted.

Well, it wasn't impossible to make that a reality. He just needed to keep out of the public eye, and keep his head down, perhaps—the attention directed at him just made his head hurt, and he disliked the piercing stares of those bystanders. He just needed to get faster, stronger, more reliable—more and more until he could be satisfied with himself, and drive off any bullies.

He despised that helpless feeling in his chest he'd felt back at Xinan, which felt like an unscratched itch. He hated the way the cold floors against his back had felt, the way the cold water had felt in his throat and choked him like his dark thoughts that he'd always kept a unrelenting leash on.

Wang Canghai placed his arm across his chest, stretching it out to prepare for a workout, and his eyes flashed with a determined light.

`From now on, I won't let anybody knock me down.`

On the desk behind, in his worn-out notebook, were the words on the center of the page and centered:

Endgoal: Don't let anybody get in my way again.

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"Wake up!"

He felt a faint thump on the back of his head again. One eye cracked out to peer at Chen laoshi's figure in the front of the classroom, one arm extended from throwing the workbook.

"This is the third time this week!" She lectured sternly, rubbing the bridge of her nose in exasperation. "And it's only been three days since school started!"

Despite wanting to pay more attention to class, Wang Canghai couldn't help but feel sleepy as soon as class started. Maybe if school didn't want him falling asleep, then they shouldn't have started at 7:30 am. Or perhaps he should put in a modicum of effort to avoid falling asleep.

"Yes," Wang Canghai replied, not knowing what to say as he pushed his head off the table reluctantly. From his peripherals, he could see Liu Fengmian glancing at him incredulously.

"What was his name again?"

Wang Canghai's ears perked up at the whispers going around the class.

"Te Kunsheng? Isn't that what they're calling him right now?"

"I think his actual name is Wang Canghai."

Chen Laoshi sighed and told him to stand in the back until he was more awake. Wang Canghai wondered how much patience she had, seeing as she had not given him detention yet.

"Wasn't he involved in a fight yesterday? With Zhang Yiling?"

"Oh yeah, the ling xiu of class nine. I still don't know how this system works, but apparently it's a selection thing...?"

Wang Canghai crossed his arms as he leaned against the back wall, listening to the hushed conversation as the rough scritch scratch of chalk on the blackboard and Chen laoshi's crisp words filled the classroom.

"It hasn't even been a week yet and year one—our year—is already going crazy. I heard they're an insane bunch this year."

"Ahh, class three's ling xiu is so handsome. Why does our's have to be so ugly?"

"Ssh, don't let him catch you saying that. Anyway, I heard class four's ling xiu changed to Yang Guang, even though he's in our class, and class eight has already been passed to class one's ling xiu. Everything's going so quickly compared to last year's, I heard from an upperclassman."

Wang Canghai realized suddenly that he'd never actually seen the other classes' ling xius. He hadn't paid attention to the other students, knowing that he'd never actually remember their faces or their names, with his low-retention brain.

"Class one's ling xiu? That guy with the weird gelled hair and glasses? My friend told me that he is ruthless, especially since he managed to snag the class monitor position as well. I heard he also makes his class clean the classroom spotless and inspects everything with a microscope afterwards."

"Speaking of class monitors, who do you think is going to win? My bet's on Zhou Rong."

"Definitely her—I can't imagine the other two being in that position."

`...Class monitor,` Wang Canghai thought, furrowing his brows. `Zhou Rong?` Perhaps these students hadn't ever crossed Zhou Rong's bad side, but Wang Canghai had—and he wouldn't ever want to relive those days.

Yang Guang, Song Wenbin, Zhou Rong—none of them were great options. Yang Guang was too short-tempered and violent, Song Wenbin too impulsive and quick to jump at the slightest provocation, and Zhou Rong too prideful and unempathetic to be in that position.

`Perhaps Liu Fengmian would want to volunteer,` Wang Canghai thought, glancing at the splash of pink in the gray classroom. `If we can convince the class that Zhou Rong would not be a good option, then he could easily take the top. The other two are guaranteed to be unpopular.`

"Yuan Changying! Come up and solve this problem!" Chen laoshi's voice suddenly rang out, interrupting the whispering pair. "Wang Canghai, are you awake enough to go back to your seat now?"

"No, but I won't sleep again," Wang Canghai promised, flicking his hand up in acknowledgement, before ambling back to his seat.

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The first and second times he'd been in the cafeteria, Wang Canghai had sat alone. The third, Liu Fengmian had tagged along, eagerly jabbering at his side as they walked down the lit hallways filled with excited students.

"Liu Fengmian," Wang Canghai started after there was a lull in Liu Fengmian's chatter. "Would you want to go for class monitor?"

Said person gave him a surprised look, pointing at himself. "Me? Wha—I don't really think I'll be great for that. Seems like a lot of work, too."

"I think you'll be great," Wang Canghai bluntly replied. "Just think about it."

"What is this about? Do you want me to run for it?"

Wang Canghai glanced at him, before nodding lightly.

"I think you'll be better," Liu Fengmian said as they stood in line for food. "You know a lot of people are talking about you, right? They call you Te Kunsheng, because of your sleeping habits, and especially about your fight with Zhang Yiling. It sucks that you were...um, knocked out...but you can always challenge her again someday."

"...Challenge?" Wang Canghai uttered, stiffening.

"Are you not going for ling xiu?" Liu Fengmian asked, curiously peeking at him. "If you want to consolidate the first years, you're going to have to beat all nine ling xius."

`What?` He'd never even mentioned attempting to go for that position, but apparently Liu Fengmian had gotten that impression from him. He wasn't interested in starting the fights, and Zhang Yiling had never meant to start the one with him, so he wasn't planning on fighting her anytime soon.

"I don't care about tha'," Wang Canghai replied as the lunch lady gave him a portion of rice. "You know taekwondo, why don't you go for it?"

"Me?" Liu Fengmian asked, jolting. "I—well, I don't really think I can..." He trailed off, a nervous lilt in his voice. He seemed to still be unsure about himself, and wasn't confident about his own abilities.

"I just want to live out my highschool years without any problems," Wang Canghai stated firmly as they sat down on the edge of a filled table. "If anybody tries to start a fight, then I will fight. Otherwise, I'm not dragging myself into tha' which I'm not interested in."

"Ah, I see. Yeah, that's probably the best bet for us," Liu Fengmian replied, smiling lightly.

"Whatcha' talking about, guys?" A voice broke in cheerfully. It was Zhang Yiling, who was sitting at the table behind them. "I heard you two were talking about challenges and fights right? Something like that?"

"Why were you eavesdropping?" Wang Canghai deadpanned.

Zhang Yiling gave a confident grin, giving them a peace sign. "If you don't want to be listened to, you shouldn't have been so loud."

""There is so much victim blaming going on here," Liu Fengmian whispered loudly to Wang Canghai, who almost choked on his rice. Zhang Yiling gave him a confused glance.

"What the hell is victim blaming?"

Wang Canghai actually choked this time, coughing and thumping his chest as Liu Fengmian nervously waved his hands around. Zhang Yiling gave both of them a mystified look, as if she was wondering why her question caused that reaction.

`Glad I know that I can't rely on this guy if I ever get injured or need help,` Wang Canghai thought sarcastically as Liu Fengmian gave him his bowl of soup—Wang Canghai needed water, not soup. Although soup did have water.

"Anyway, if you're going for ling xiu, then let's work together!" Zhang Yiling extended, giving a thumbs up instead. "Jelly Glasses isn't gonna let up anytime soon, so we lower classes should stick together!"

"Didn't you beat him up?" Liu Fengmian asked, pointing at Wang Canghai, who answered at the same time, "I'm not interested."

"My bad about that," she replied, giving them a sheepish grin. "Well, that's fine then, I'll leave ya two at it! Just...don't cross paths with class one's ling xiu. He's quite annoying." She gave them one last peace sign, before turning around to talk to her shorter friend.

Liu Fengmian and Wang Canghai looked at each other.

`That was an interesting experience.`

"AGH—" Liu Fengmian suddenly shouted, clapping his forehead, sliding his hand slowly down his face. "I forgot about chemistry homework today! I think there's about fifteen minutes left of lunch, can you come with me back to the classroom?"

Wang Canghai nodded, finishing up his lunch before walking with Liu Fengmian back to the classroom. Near the doorway, Wang Canghai and Liu Fengmian began hearing soft sniffles and muffled crying—to which Wang Canghai stopped Liu Fengmian and peeked inside.

Inside the empty classroom sat a pretty girl with cascading hair, although her nose and eyes were red and her face was scrunched up, her hands coming up to hide her face not a second later. There was something about her that made Wang Canghai feel connected to her, like she reminded her of himself.

Sitting alone, crying alone. It should be a bit concerning to him that he kept comparing himself to those who would be considered pathetic in the eyes of others, but he couldn't bring himself to care.

"I thought nobody was allowed inside if the teacher wasn't in the classroom," Wang Canghai whispered, indicating at the empty teacher's desk.

"Well, yeah, but rules are made to be broken," Liu Fengmian whispered back.

"No they're not."

"I suppose that's why we get punished for breaking them," Liu Fengmian agreed, before glancing at the crying girl. "Well, this is awkward—I still need to get my homework. Um...do you think she'll even want anybody to talk to her? I'm not good with these situations."

"Go get your homework," Wang Canghai said before briskly walking into the classroom. Liu Fengmian gaped for a second at the doorway, before scampering inside just as quickly.

The bright blue of the sky reflected off the warm wood of the desktops, a faint shadow filling the room in contrast to the dim sunlight filtering in. Wang Canghai grabbed the chair next to the girl's seat, pulling it to face her.

"If you want me to go, you can tell me to go. But I'll be here to listen if you want—I'm a good listener," he started, leaning back. In all honesty, he was awkward enough as it is as a conversationalist, but listening was something he definitely could do.

She peeked at him through her fingers for a second, before her eyes darted back. She was trying to be more silent now, and her sobs weren't as loud as before. She didn't tell him about what was plaguing her, and he didn't expect her to, but she didn't quite tell him to leave either.

"Was it your friends?" He asked.

A pause. Then, she silently shook her head "no".

"Academics?"

A confirmation this time. He sighed internally, knowing he would have to carry the conversation since she was staying silent—he didn't know how he was supposed to cheer her up. Maybe he was being too forward? Oh well, he was already this far.

"Ah. It's only been three days since school started, what grades are you worried for?"

Looking closer, Wang Canghai realized she had gold flecks in her eyes. He thought it looked cool, before the girl bit her lip. "...I'm just....so awful. I know this seems really dumb, but..."

She fiddled with her hands nervously.

"I can't seem to get any of the subjects down, and when I do homework, I always get the problems wrong. I study so much and I try so hard, but I just can't memorize any of the formulas and use them, when all my friends are able to get everything down during class and they don't study and get perfect grades—" She rambled suddenly, before her throat seemed to close on her. " —and I'm just a failure. I can never get anything right, and I don't think I'll ever be able to get a good job or have a good future, and it makes me so nervous—"

Wang Canghai nodded at her to continue. From the background, Liu Fengmian mouthed at him, "good luck", before sneaking out of the classroom. He could've at least stayed for moral support—although on the other hand, he probably wanted to give her some privacy.

"And my parents want me to be talented, but I'm not. I'm not even average. I'm just awful at everything," she finished, clenching her uniform pants. "And now they're going to divorce, and I don't know what to do."

Wang Canghai took out a packet of tissues from his pant pocket, giving it to her so she could wipe her face. The girl suddenly put her face in her hands, eyes shyly looking down.

"I—I'm sorry, I rambled a lot," she said, seemingly embarrassed.

"It's fine to let things out," Wang Canghai replied, nodding at her again to reassure her. Then, he offered her a fist bump, and she stared for a moment in surprise before she bumped it back.

"I'm not in the same situation, but I can relate," he confessed, giving her a painfully mediocre smile. "I've never experienced a divorce, but my father died five years ago, and that was painful. I'm not talented either, and my academics are not the best—especially since I have to study hard for every test, and still somehow manage to fail."

She wiped her tears with her sleeves, stifling her sniffles.

"Regardless, academics is a large part of life, but it's not everything about it," Wang Canghai continued, despite knowing in the back of his mind that he cared about academics as much as she did. "Even without academics, you can make it in life—my mother did it. Just try your best, looking forward, and don't look back regretting it."

She was silent for a bit, to which Wang Canghai awkwardly thought, did I just make it worse? Then, she exhaled slowly, wiping the last remnants of her tears from her eyes.

"Sorry for taking up all your time," She said, giving a weak smile with the stark blue of the sky behind her, before standing up. "But thank you, for cheering me up—it means a lot. My name's He Hualing. Class eight."

"You don't need to apologize," Wang Canghai replied, standing up as well. "Wang Canghai is mine. You can keep those tissues, if you want."

He Hualing gave back the rest of the tissue pack anyway, saying, "ah, bye then, my friend might be waiting for me at my class. Again, I'm sorry for taking up your time."

"No problem."

Wang Canghai walked out of the classroom to see Liu Fengmian sitting near the doorway, jotting down formulas furiously into his math workbook, an intense look on his face.

"Were you listening?" Wang Canghai asked, looking at the rows of numbers on the thin paper.

Liu Fengmian glanced at him, then at the paper again. "The only thing I'll be listening to is Chen laoshi's lectures if I don't finish this right now, Wang Canghai. But no, I haven't been. I figured that girl wouldn't have wanted me to listen in on her very personal problems."

"Call me Canghai."

Liu Fengmian almost snapped his neck looking back at him, eyes widening. "W—huh? Me?"

"No, I'm talking to that kid behind you."

"Really? Where?"

"Why do I even bother."

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"Stay after school, Wang Canghai," Chen laoshi said as the familiar piano tune came on the school speakers, signalling the end of school. Wang Canghai felt the stares of his classmates on his skin, feeling uncomfortable with the attention.

"Got it, laoshi," he replied, leaning back in his seat and closing his eyes. Liu Fengmian tapped him on the shoulder, whispering "I'll be waiting for you right outside", before heading off with the other students out of the door.

Although the voices of excited students filled the hallways, the classroom itself was empty. Wang Canghai felt a familiar physical object hit the side of his head, catching it on instinct.

"You've got good reflexes," Chen laoshi complimented, raising her hand. Wang Canghai tossed it back to her, who caught it deftly. "I had a student like you. I can introduce you to each other, if you like martial arts."

Wang Canghai rubbed at the slightly aching spot on his head, tilting his head. "What did you actually want to talk to me about, laoshi?"

Chen laoshi chuckled, walking over to the other side of the blackboard and tapping on a list of names at the corner. "Have you considered running for the class monitor position?"

What?

"Me?" He asked incredulously. "I don't think I'm a good fit for the position, and I don't feel particularly inclined to do it."

"That's exactly why I'm asking you to do it," she replied, tapping her fingers against her arm. "I think it's good to have a candidate that is empathetic and down to earth with their schoolmates, and I saw that today in you. That girl you spoke to during lunch—she's been a worrisome topic among the teachers, because of her behavior these past few days."

Was he really so empathetic?

"But for the first time, I was told she was interacting with her classmates normally today. Not happily, by any means, but a drastic improvement from the days before. I'm not going to say you're certainly going to win, because I'm not the one choosing the class monitor. The students will, seeing as it's the class monitor that represents them. However, I am merely recommending you to go for it—you have the potential, after all."

Him? A representative? Somebody who would stand out?

Wang Canghai wanted to laugh, suddenly.

He'd already been in that glaring spotlight once before.

But...

—

`"I think you'll be better," Liu Fengmian said as they stood in line for food. "You know a lot of people are talking about you, right?"`

—

`"Anyway, if you're going for ling xiu, then let's work together!" Zhang Yiling extended, giving a thumbs up instead. "Jelly Glasses isn't gonna let up anytime soon, so we lower classes should stick together!"`

—

`[Xiao Baitu —> You: I have faith in you. Don't be afraid to take that leap]`

—

`"Focus on your academics. No need for the other extra things," Hong Qiaocui said, back facing him as she chopped up vegetables. "Remember, your Gaokao is in two years."`

`...Was it spite that changed his mind? Was it genuine want? Or was it because this was the first time a teacher had thought highly of him? Either way, he opened his mouth.`

—

"Put my name on the list."

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