CHAPTER 9

"Worse ,your nana is dead"

"Excuse me?", there's no way I heard that right .

" Christian I know this is a hard blow, and I was.., " Malîkana started but i didn't want to hear it.

" no..no.., " I could feel myself tearing up.

" Christian your nana was confirmed dead yesterday, " Anna tried getting close to me putting her arms around me.

" No you are lying, it can't be true.No , no, no, " i wanted to deny it but i knew Anna wouldn't lie about it.

"i am sorry christian , i am here for you," Anna whispered to my ear and that's when it all shattered , the hope of not having heard her right.

The unmistakable piercing through my very heart.

Nana was dead

It didn't feel right.

Nana was dead.

I felt sick.

Nana was dead.

I don't want to think.

Nana was dead .

I couldnt think.

Nana was dead.

It hurt too deep like a sharp blade.

Nana was gone for good

It hurt too deep, teared into me so harshly.

It kills all of me.I want to scream Why.

Why.., why.., why.., fucking why..,

Scream until it fades away.

" Christian I know how you feel bu.., " Anna started but i couldn't let her finnish that lie.

That's when I snapped

" YOU DON'T HAVE THE SLIGHTEST IDEA OF HOW I FEEL , SO DON'T EVEN SAY THAT YOU DO."

I couldn't hold back the tears anymore.How could she say that she knew how I felt .I lost the one centre of my whole universe.The one woman who took me when I felt like I had no one.The one person who gave up everything just so she could take care of me.The one woman who held me when my world was falling apart, when I felt like I didn't deserve to live.

She didnt know how I felt and i hated her for trying to act like she did.

I pushed her away .

I felt like my sanity was fading away.I wanted to scream at the whole world.

"God why her.Have I wronged you? I am told you are merciful but where is your mercy?I Know I haven't been the most decent  human being ,but please God bring My Nana back.Bring her back to me.I'll be a priest if you want me to ,just bring my nana back,I need her, please bring her back".

I wanted to say that out loud but it got stuck in my throat.

I could feel my chest constrict.i was finding it hard to breath.

Maybe God was there somewhere there maybe he was listening .

my vision was getting blurry , everything was spinning .

" Christian breath , in , out, " I could hear Anna's voice drowning out , but no matter how hard I tried I just couldn't.

Then I felt her mouth on mine.i Could feel my chest let loose.I gasped for air and she let go.I tried breathing in and out till I recouped.

I could see the look of pity on Anna's face.i hated pity.She probably thinks of me as a weak man.

"Get out Malikana.I need to be alone, " I ordered Malikana even though my voice was weak. I could feel another break down threatening to resurface .

I never wanted anyone to see me like this. I didn't want Anna to see me like this.. i was too vulnerable , too exposed, I didn't need her help, I didn't need her pity.

I needed to be alone. I tried calling Lisa , She was the only person who could help me but she didn't pick up my call .

i tried over and over again but Lisa didn't pick any of my calls.

i was getting frustrated .

Anna moved closer to me taking the phone away from me.

"Malikana what are you doing get out, " I tried sounding firm but my voice was shaky.She only moved closer.

"MALIKANA GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY OFFICE OR YOU ARE FIRED., " I warned trying to hold myself together. I needed Lisa . She always knew what to do .I needed her but she wasn't there. She had promised she would always be there but she wasn't.

"Christian I ain't going anywhere, not when you are looking like this, " Anna said pulling me to her.

" I don't need you or anyone malikana, just go already, "

She hugged me tightely ,

" Let me be here for you, let me help you Christian," she said.

i could feel her voice break .

"Let me go malikana, " I said trying to pull away but she was quick and strong and she pulled my head on her chest.

"Let it fall.Cry for your loss Christian.Cry for the loss of a woman dear to you, " She said making me break down.

I held her firmly.

The faith in my heart was dimming.

Tears were pooling in my eyes.I knew they were going to fall, they were going to then fade,

but how about the pain?.

It wasn't going away . No matter how hard i cried it didn't go away.

There was only one question that I didnt think I was ever going to get an answer to , the question kept swimming through my mind.

WHY

WHY

WHY MY NANA.

I could feel malikana rubbing my wrist.Just like Nana always did when I was sad.when she found out I had been cutting my wrists because the bulling had gotten too much.The memories kept flashing in like a kaleidoscope of memories.

Flashback

I recall how it had all started.I just wanted the pain to fade away so I cut my wrist.I knew I shouldn't have done it ,but all the hate I had received at school kept ringing causing me to cut even deep.

They had called me a freak, they called me worthless , they beat me , but every strike of the blade through my wrist made it all go away.

After that I promised myself I'd stop. But then my brother accused me of killing our parents.He told me I didn't deserve to live , he called me ugly and beat me up , telling me to die.

It was all too much and I couldn't take it ,so I drew the blade from the hidden box under my bed.

I know I should have stopped, but I couldn't , I promised myself it was going to be just that once.

I drew the trail, watched as red tainted my wrist, it looked beautiful unlike me.I knew I was sinking.But it made it all go away.

So I trailed another line.The red powerful.A colour in my dark world,I couldn't stop,i was losing myself but the pain easeed out my thoughts.So I went on and on.I couldn't stop it.It was like snorting cocaine ,I never wanted to it stop. I bled till I passed out and landed in the hospital.

My nana didn't scold me when I was discharged.She gently asked me what was going on.

So I told her about the bullying ,the demons.The darkness.

She watched me in silence.I thought she didn't care,until I saw her tears fall.

She smiled.I knew she wanted to be strong for me.

She held my wrist and rubbed them gently.

" you are strong son.I know it hurts and you feel like no one understands.You have me.Never forget that.I know it's addicting but don't do it again.I can never bare the thought of loosing you.I can overcome everything just not loosing you.I love you."

"I love you too nana. I promise I wouldn't do it again., "

End of flashback

**********"""""********"""""**

"She was my everything malikana, my mother , my father, my best friend , my mentor , my inspiration, She promised to be always there for me, but she left Anna. I haven't seen her for the past one month and now i wish i hadn't given work to much priority.I wish i had visited her more often.I abandoned her first . It kills me to know i waant there with her in her last moments.

She used to call me but it was never the right time, i would tell her everytime that i would call her back but i always seemed to forget and now she was gone, "

I felt Anna pull me closer .

"It wasn't your fault Chris ok ,it wasnt. I am sure she knew you loved her," Anna assured me. o wanted to lean in to her , Believe her but my conscience was making me feel so worthless.

It felt like everyone always left me , first my parents, then my Nana, my brother loothes me ,It's just a matter of time before Lisa leaves when she founds out about my relationship with Anna and there was no guarantee Anna would stay when my world will be falling apart.

"Shhh.., shhh.., I am not leaving you any time soon Chris.you hear me.you are an amazing man and am sure if your nana had a choice she would stay with you forever.But people die .Thats one thing we all have no control over and its ok to cry when the people we love die,I'll be here with you every step of it, "

She promised and deep down I believed her. I believed in myself ,I knew I could get over this with malikana by my side but for how long will she be here .