chapter 18

We pulled up to the empty motel while the sun was setting. Trevor didn't say a word since he yelled at me. He didn't even look at me for the 3 hours we were in the car. Lydia woke up about an hour in and she looked confused as to why she was tied up and why we weren't even talking. She hopped out of the van as soon as Trevor parked it in the lot. I reached over to the door and I heard the door lock. I retracted my hand from the handle and looked over at Trevor.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to get mad at you."

I took a moment to look at him before responding. It really wasn't his fault that our lives have gotten so screwed up over the past 10 years. And we are all tired of running, hiding, or seeing people die at our feet.

"I know. I just thought I would give you some time to settle down. It's a touchy topic for us considering the amount of people that we have seen suffer from it all."

"I still had no right to take it out on you." He turned to look at me.

I gave him a faint smile. "It's ok. Really it is. We will figure it out. How to take down the labs, but for now we need to focus on getting to California," I said, putting a hand on his shoulder and giving him a reassuring squeeze. He put a hand on top of mine and looked at me. He took a deep breath before saying what he was thinking.

"How did you do it?" He asked, looking at Lydia breaking open the lock.

"Do what?"

"How did you...stop yourself from worrying? About Jared becoming a pure or dying? How did you stay...sane?" He asked.

"Are you kidding? I never stopped worrying about him. The nightmares. I haven't been the same since my mom died," I said. He stayed quiet before saying what he needed.

"I need you, Amber. Now more than ever because ever since the day you got shot... I couldn't help but think 'What if that was Lydia' and if she didn't survive I don't think I would survive that. She's the only family I have left, after Lisa..." He paused.

"I know. But, Lydia seems like she can handle it. You can't always worry about her because sometimes she needs to stand on her own. She needs to know what is happening around her or else she is always going to need you," I said.

"She does always need me, I can't just show her everything," He said. I took a moment of silence.

"Trevor, you may not know this but Lydia already knows what's happening. She can handle it and if you give her a chance she can also protect herself," I said. He didn't respond for at least a minute. He unlocked the door.

"Maybe you're right. I can't always protect her," He said with a faint smile.

I returned his faint smile. "Come on, let's go inside. You need the most sleep out of all of us," I said. I reached for the handle and jumped out of the car. A few seconds later I heard Trevor slam his door. I walked around to the back of the van to get my things and walked inside of the motel room. It was the same as the other one a few weeks ago. 2 beds, a nightstand in the middle of the 2 beds and a TV against the wall facing the beds. Lydia threw herself on the first bed, looking up at the ceiling.

"Can we just get to California already. I'm tired of being so tired," She said. I laughed setting down my bag in the chair that was at the window.

"Maybe you are just tired of hacking all day," Trevor said, closing the door behind him.

"I can never get tired of hacking," She said in a serious tone.

As they kept playfully bickering, I couldn't help but think about Trevor's conversation. I couldn't get his words out of my head. I couldn't get Jared out of my head. Did I make the right choice? Is he safe?

I could feel the anxiety building in my chest. Everything was starting to get so loud with my thoughts and Lydia and Trevor having a playful bicker. I looked around but it was like everything was sharp in focus and my hearing went high with sound then low. It started to make me dizzy and I couldn't breathe. My side-effects were going haywire again. I could hear my thoughts about Jared and then the bickering and then the drip that was coming from the faucet in the bathroom. I could see the dust floating in the air. I couldn't focus. It came to the point where I just yelled "Shut up!" to Trevor and Lydia. They both looked at me with wide eyes. I alternated looks between them and then walked out of the room, slamming the door behind me. I grabbed at my chest, trying to rip the anxiety from it. I put my back against the motel wall and slid down to a sitting position. All the barriers I built to keep the anger hidden were coming down one by one. And now I know the effect it has on me.

I sent Jared away with nobody to protect him. He has me and he is only 12. He lost his parents to a war that wasn't his. He knows nothing of this world, nothing about how to protect himself from someone with a gun. I tried calming down and putting the walls back up but it was like I couldn't build it. I wrapped my arms around my knees burying my face in my thighs. I heard the door open and then close softly.

"Amber?" her sweet voice said. I looked up to see Lydia.

"I'm sorry. I'm ok, I promise. Just go back inside," I said, trying to get her to leave me alone.

"It's about Jared, isn't it?"

I nodded.

"Look. He may not be like me, may not be someone who knows what world we live in or know how to protect himself or even knows how to be alone but you sent him away because you wanted a normal life for him. As normal as it could get," She said. I looked up at her with a confused expression on my face. She gave a faint smile.

"The van isn't soundproof and I have really good hearing. Not side-effect hearing but I could still get some pieces of your conversation."

She walked over to me and crouched down to meet my face. She put a reassuring hand on my shoulder.

"He's safe from all of this. And that's what matters. You did the right thing whether you think so or not. But it was the right thing to try and get him away from all of this," She said in a low, calm voice. She got up and went back inside. I spaced out thinking about Jared in Texas. Was she right? Could he have somewhat of a normal life even though it wasn't with me? If it was with me, he could have gotten killed or hurt. He would be an experiment. He would end up like Mom and Dad. It still hurts to let him go. Especially when I just got him back. But the pain never hit me until now. The heartache hurt more than anything I have felt before. And the anger was tearing the bricks away. Mom and Dad were my fault and I could have done something more for Jared. I heard the door open again but I didn't turn to look. I just let the tears keep falling and looked in front of me, trying to focus on one spot. He sat down next to me, taking the same position as me. I could feel his dark brown eyes on me, trying to figure out my thoughts.

"Want to talk about it?" He asked. I slowly shook my head, not breaking my stare from a certain point in the road. He leaned back against the wall, having a few inches over me when we were sitting. We sat in silence for a few minutes before I leaned my head against his shoulder. He put his head on top of mine.

"I miss them," I whispered.

"I know," Trevor said, wrapping his arms around me.

We sat there again in silence before he asked if I wanted to go inside. I nodded in response. He got up from his sitting position and held out a hand for me to take. When he pulled half of my weight up, our bodies were so close together. He was still holding my hand when we were standing, looking at each other's eyes. I ripped my hand away from his and wrapped my arms around him, my head on his shoulder.

"Stay with me," I said. I felt his arms wrap around me with such tightness when I said those 3 words.

"Always," He whispered. We broke our embrace and then walked inside of the room. Lydia was nowhere in sight, and then I heard the shower running. I sat down on the bed that Lydia was laying down on and finally got all thoughts of Jared out of my head. Trevor bought me the turkey sandwich that I bought earlier today from the gas station. I turned and gave him a faint smile before gently taking it from his hand.

"Thanks."

"You need it more than I do. Plus, I'm stuffed on twinkies," He said laughing.

I returned his laugh and opened the box that the sandwich was packed in. His laugh faded and he looked at me.

"Amber?" He asked.

"Yeah?"

"You know you can talk to me about stuff... right?"

"Yeah. I know. I just...," I said, pausing before I told him how I really felt. I didn't want him to see me broken. Angry. I was always the calm one in this whole mess and honestly, I didn't know if he would see me different if he knew how I truly felt. He fell in love with the calm Amber, but would he still love the angry and broken one?

"Sometimes it's good to have a little pain and loss because it reminds you of what you have gotten. You have Lydia. You have yourself. And you will always have me," He said in a deep and calm voice.

"I also have this sandwich. And it's probably my stomach's new best friend considering that the twinkie I ate yesterday wasn't on my stomach's good side," I said in a joking manner. He laughed at my words. That's when I heard the shower turn off. I set the sandwich down next to me and got up to get some clothes.

"I'm gonna go take a shower. Don't touch my sandwich," I said. I walked around the bed and to the bathroom when Lydia opened the door and ran to the closest bed and jumped in.

"Want me to come join you?" Trevor whispered, knowing that I could hear him. An evil smile popped up on my face, not that he could see it considering that my back was towards him.

"In your dreams," I said walking into the bathroom. I heard a little chuckle from behind me. I closed the door and locked it before turning on the shower and taking off my clothes. Then I heard muffled voices in the other room. I tried as hard as I could to ignore the pain that was still coming when I used my side-effects and tried to listen to the muffled words on the other side of the wall.

"Have you told her?" Lydia.

"Yeah. But I'm scared of it." Trevor.

"Is my big brother finally scared of something? And is it something so small as falling in love?" She said with a teasing voice. They both gave a small laugh before Trevor answered.

"I'm just scared of this whole thing. I'm scared of losing you but it's different with her. It's like she makes me stronger, like she builds me up."

"Well... She's a strong person. And I can tell by the way she looks at you that she is terrified by the thought of losing you. It's probably the first time she has felt this way and she is probably scared of losing the one thing that seems consistent," Lydia said, with a voice implying that she knows what she is talking about.

They go silent for a moment and then I hear the TV turn on. I try to balance my hearing into normal range and then the ringing and headache begins. I shake my head trying to shake the pain out and walk to the shower, letting the lukewarm water meet my skin. I closed my eyes and let the water fall all over my body, only focusing on my thoughts. Trevor loves me. I love Trevor. And we are both scared to lose each other. Nothing else was playing in my head except for those 3 words he said when I woke up from my coma. I love you.