Falling

This ought to be an illness

This tendency to fall fake faint

The redundancy of my false well being

I'm sure I'm sick

A different type of sick

The current medical devices

Fail to diagnose my sickness

It's all in my head?

I don't think so.

But I know I'm not okay

Or maybe it's a different type of okay

The type of okay that smiles

When I'm hurting inside

The type of okay

that gently Pat's your head

When all I want is to bash your head in

The type of okay that makes my laughter sound like wails

The type of okay

That mirrors everything I should be

Everything I should do

And everything the world wants to see

This world that refuses to accept that I'm not okay

I can't be okay

For all that is good and all that is holy

I can not be not okay

Because everything is there that should be able to make me happy

How amusing

If that was it

Why then am I not okay

You choose to see what you want to see

If the picture doesn't fit your lens then it's wrong

It's a flaw

Shouldn't exist

Why can't you just accept it

Why do I even bother?

Because of all this

i pretend to be fine

You see the illusion am forced to make

That's your acceptable truth

But when you get a glimpse of my despair

I have personality problems?

I don't wish for your help

That's a pipe dream

I know my reality

I will not shove myself

into deeper levels of despair

by wishing for the impossible

I would rather have realistic expectations

I live with this sickness

That's my reality

Everyday the border of my sanity is tested

It's hard

Pretending everything is okay

One day I just might set hail to the wind

You won't know what hit you

Nor will you understand

By then

I bet

My sanity

would be long gone