Self-Loathing

My heart races as he walks towards me, he lifts me effortlessly and kisses me without abandon. I gasp in shock as he drops me. He climbs over me resuming the kiss, his mouth and actions much gentler than I would have expected. I can't afford to count and pretend this isn't happening, not with Toga there, I find my hands in his hair and kiss him back wishing her were Tamaki real lust beginning to build inside me. I realize I whimper from desire as he shoves his hard cock between my thighs, his unnaturally large size rubbing the outside of my pussy, before I realize what I'm doing I start to kiss him deeper eager for more. He drags his impressive length back and forth as if he were inside me and I realize how wet I am, why am I so wet?. "Oh god Touya" it slips from my lips as I try to hold myself back from reaching climax. I feel his dick twitch and he kisses me harder, I can no longer hold the orgasm at bay as I feel his hot cum shoot out all over my pussy and thighs dripping down my ass. I'm thankful for his mouth and the fact that he is groaning, I don't think anyone heard my muffled screams as I peak "Fuck Touya yes, don't stop."

"Aww, she just had you and enjoys your touch again so soon." Togas giggle sounds threating. "Nighty night love birds" it comes out as a song and she finally leaves. Neither of us move at first, I lay under him trying to calm the shaking from the massive orgasm I just had. He looks at me before moving to sit next to me. "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to take it that far, it's been so long since I've been with anyone, please forgive me." He says it so sweetly, I hear how desperate he is I not be upset with him. I need to figure out what the hell just happened. I get up and grab something clean to put on and go take a shower to wash the shame away. As soon as the water hits my body the tears start to fall.

I sit in the bottom of the shower hugging my knees keeping my sobs quite so Touya won't hear. What the hell was that? I get that at first I was thinking of Tamaki, that was a stupid idea all that did was get me excited. But what happened after that? Something about feeling his length against me distracted me from thinking of the man I love and being very aware of who was instead touching me. Why didn't that knowledge kill my desire? Why did I start saying his name? Not the one I'm supposed to call him, but his real name. I don't think I've ever come so hard before. Was it being watched maybe? No my mind was barley on Toga, I forgot she was there most of the time. Why did she sound so threating when she spoke? Does she have a thing for Touya?

I can't stay in the shower too long, he'll come and check on me. I gather the willpower to stop crying and open the door. He looks broken when he sees me. I still can't find words So I just get in bed, I feel him lay down edging a little closer obviously wanting to say something. I'm dying inside, I don't think I can do this, the tears return despite my best efforts. "I really am sorry Y/N, please don't be mad at me." Why do his apologies make me feel worse? "I'm not mad at you Touya, we should try to sleep goodnight." I try to silence the sobs but I know he can hear me. His heart races for a moment, struggling to decide what to do. I suppose he decides to respect my space after a while as he says nothing. I wish he would stop apologizing, I don't feel like he did anything wrong. I kept telling myself I was imagining the way he looks at me sometimes, but now I'm no longer sure. Part of me wants to ask him about it, but I can't will myself to move or speak.

The tears continue for so long as I realize more and more that this one incident is going to lose me the love of my life. Tamaki loves me so much, what do I do to pay him back for being so perfect? Enjoy the touch of another man? "It's ok bunny, I know you don't actually want any of the touching and kissing that will take place, it's just acting, I will be ok knowing you only want me." His words repeat in my head breaking my heart more. I felt so sure in that moment that it was the truth, I was wrong. "You want to be an embarrassment to us, another dumb little slut in the world." My father's voice in my head makes the scar on my abdomen burn. He was right about me I'm just a stupid little slut.

I wake up the next morning to find Touyas arms wrapped around me. I let the comfort of his embrace wash over me for a moment before the guilt hits me again. I shouldn't feel comforted by another man. So we can no longer be comforted by our friends now just because we're no longer single? Fuck that should have stayed single. I swear my inner voice makes points in the bitchiest way sometimes. How many times have I found comfort from Kirishima long before I met Tamaki? I don't hate myself every time I feel my happiness rise from his smile. I didn't feel like a cheater for letting him hold me when I was having a melt-down about this mission. Maybe I'm over thinking some due to our friendship growing so quickly, I care about him a lot, it doesn't mean I love him. None of that excuses my actions last night though. Uh, hello, Touyas hot as FUCK, hung like a horse, and the way he was touching and kissing us would drive a blind woman insane. Ok, inner voice, you thirsty bitch. I hear the door opening so I push myself into Touya/Dabi as close as I can.