Somebody's number one.
My father looked at me with a serious look on his face. He was always laid back and cared a lot about the surrounding people; he cared, and sometimes a little too much.
Father: Tell me what's going on in that head of yours, you broke down earlier, something is bothering you. It's my job as your father to help you put those pieces together.
When he said this, I could feel my heartbeat get faster, I've told no one about my struggles, I always bared threw it in self isolation. As much as it hurt, I didn't want anyone to even comprehend the problems inside my mind; I was alone, weak, nobody's number one. While these are all selfish wishes, I think it's okay to have these wishes, but sadly not all wishes come true. The room was dimly lit, my father was sitting waiting for my reply, It felt like my chest was going to explode. The awkwardness I felt when he asked that question was immense. No-one has never asked me what's wrong because nothing ever seemed wrong in people's eyes, The way my mind worked is slightly twisted, I could contain calmness on the outside almost 24/7 but I easily breakdown mentally. I always told myself that I didn't need the help of people around me, I told myself that none of it ever mattered. I was aimlessly trying to put pieces I didn't understand together, trying to figure clues about this girl, the trial, the spirit living inside of me, this aimlessness I had never seemed so bad. It felt like I finally had goals, something to work for, but every goal still proved to be too much for me. I entered the forest and failed the trial miserably. My power still proved no match for my father, even an almost 30% boost in raw power wasn't enough.
The second I tried to say something, tears immediately rolled down my face, like a sprinkle of rain on a gloomy day. My father looked at me with a smile, a calm smile, he was collected, he knew that this was going to happen. I sniffled to pull up the snot running out of my nose as broken words came out; I didn't know what to say. Years of anger, sickness, suffering, all bottled up, and I finally opened the lid and let my jumbled, confused words spew out.
Me: My heart is bitter, I suffered so much it feels like there's nothing there; it feels like my mind is deteriorating and my emotions are fading away. It's scary, I'm so scared of what's to come, what am I going to do, how am I going to do it.
Father: Hey, what are yo-
Me: And the girl I saved is gone, I failed the trial, Im weak, I have nobody, no friends, I'm no one's number 1, I'm useless and serve this world no purpose.
Father: That's ENOUGH
When he said this, I realized I was breaking down and stopped; he had something to say, and I kept interrupting him, I needed to collect my thoughts.
Father: Your just a little too hard on yourself. You may have failed and the girl your talking about may be gone. You may not have any friends outside the family. But you are someone's number 1, my number one. Whether that matters, I have faith in you, you will succeed me even if it's not in raw power, that's not what life is all about.
Me: But will I ever be able to become better like this? I'm a mess.
Father: You will, I know you will figure this out. You WILL find that girl, you WILL pass that trial, you will become somebody's number one, you just need to hang in there and keep trying, you may fail a hundred times but I have complete faith in your abilities. All you can do is get back up and keep moving.
While he was saying this, I saw the confidence in his eyes. He knew I could pull through and reach my dreams.
Me: Can you promise me that I'll do this?
I had so little faith in myself that I asked my dad for assurance; the world set me up to live a life of anger and sadness; I thought I was always the weakest. As much as I didn't want to say it though, it was me who held myself back, even though I kept trying so hard, I didn't have the mental strength to push forward.
Me: Do you think even this broken version of me can keep moving forward?
Father: Yes, no matter how deep you dig yourself, I know you can figure out a way to pull yourself out, it may end in a mess, things may happen. I believe in you, I'll say this as many times as it takes to make you believe me.
I tried to believe these words as hard as possible; I was taught to look down my entire life; I felt like I didn't deserve what I was after because I couldn't keep myself together. I needed to put myself together; it wasn't anyone who put me down; it was me; I was digging myself in the dirt. It was time to try. This was what I thought the closure I needed was. I knew I had a goal; It was to pass the trial and save the girl; I had side quests too. I needed to figure out about my mother and the truth behind this forest. I have to move forward no matter how bad it hurts me..