First and Last Night

River is in Stormcage, and she hears the TARDIS.

TARDIS…

The Doctor and Jared are piloting, River walks in, sees a dress hanging up by console.

"The dress is a little daring…" River said.

"Yup, so I went for this instead." The Doctor said.

"Are we going out?" River asked.

"Your parents are asleep. We have their younger versions here. Before they know who you are." Jared said, leaning against the TARDIS console. "Team RWBY, JNR, and Penny are in the karaoke bar with the Symphogear wielders. So, they're having a blast. How's Stormcage?"

"I'm on the first night of 12,000 consecutive life sentences, and I basically covered for Ryuko Matoi since she's human, kind of early to say. Where are we going?" River asked.

"Calderon Beta. Boring planet of the chip shops, but…there is a 400 foot tree growing out of a cliff top on the north side of a mountain in the middle of the sea. And, if you take the lift to the top and look up at exactly 12 minutes past midnight on the 21st of September 2360, you can see more stars in one sky than at any other moment in the history of the Universe. It's like daylight, only magic. You could read a book by it!" The Doctor said, excitedly.

"Is it ok if I don't?" River asked.

"We've got 10 minutes, get dressed."

"Oh that's so close to the perfect sentence."

"Shut up, River. You two can flirt on your own time." Jared said, smiling. "Thanks, for, you know…"

"Don't mention it, darling. You have a workload on you. Why can't I help a little with that?" River asked.

"You can. And you will start now. And it starts with the thing we left with you way back in Berlin. Did you bring the diary?"

"It's a diary?"

"It is now, because River from now on, there are rules…" The Doctor said.

"These rules are rather important too, River." Jared said, sadly.

"Oh the two of you have gone all strict, not that I mind." River said.

"River, the three of us, it's all in the wrong order, we never meet in sequence. You put everything in the diary so we know where we are." The Doctor said.

"And you put in the encounters you have with my friends in the diary too. Just have them tell me that you helped them." Jared said, looking at River.

"Put what in the diary? Just social calls? Sweetie, darling, I'm in the highest security prison in all of the known Universe." River said.

"River Song could walk in and out of that prison like the walls aren't there." The Doctor said.

"And River Song can snatch the TARDIS for a little getaway trip without the Doctor even noticing." Jared said, happily. "Maybe go on some adventures with me and my friends in the process."

"I'm River Song." River said. "And stealing it is no problem. I can do that easily, darling."

"Then you'll be fine. And oi, she is not stealing my TARDIS. If you don't like the dress, there's plenty more in the wardrobe. First right, second left, just past the helter-skelter." The Doctor said.

River leaves, the Doctor and Jared hears gunfire outside.

"Shit." Jared said, looking at the Doctor.

"Ah." The Doctor said. "That can't be good."

The Doctor and Jared run to the doors and the Time Lord opens it, another River falls in.

"River!" The Doctor and Jared said, at the same time.

"I knew the two of you would come back here, you nostalgic idiots. Doctor, hold me!" River 2 said, and she faints.

"River! River! River! River!" The Doctor said, putting River down.

"River? Are you ok?" Jared asked, looking down at River.

"Talk to us…ok, um…uh…breath, breathe, come on." The Doctor said, checking River. "Gotta keep breathing…uh…" His eyes widened. "River. You are holding your breath."

"You're a fine one to talk about holding. How many hands do you have?" River 2 asked, opening her eyes.

"Just get up, River!" Jared said, going to the TARDIS console with the Doctor. "The hell are you doing here? Who's shooting at you?"

"Oh just a few Sontarans. Chased me halfway across the galaxy. I probably shouldn't have asked them if they were on a hen night."

"River you can't do things like that!" The Doctor said, annoyed.

"Or what? You and Jared have already had me banged up in jail for 5 years, what else are you gonna do? Spank me?" River 2 asked.

"Now…"

"Doctor, Jared, have you brought someone else here? Does anyone agree to wear that dress? Where is she?" River 2 asked, seeing the dress.

"River, think it through…" Jared said, sadly. "You don't know what you're doing."

"This happened the last time the three of us were here. The both of you brought someone else!" River 2 said, storming off.

"No, we didn't!" The Doctor said.

"Yes the two of you did! Doctor, Jared, I heard you talking to her!"

"It's the same night!" Jared said.

"Doctor…Jared...were the two of you talking to someone?" River asked, entering the console room.

"No, no, just Jared." The Doctor said, while River left the console room.

"Were the both of you talking to someone?!" River 2 exclaimed, entering the console room.

"No, no, dear, just Jared." The Doctor said, and the second River left the console room.

"You just can't keep away can you…" River 3 said, entering from the doors, wearing the dress. "Doctor? Jared?" She sees the dress. "Why have the two you brought another one of these? Who else is here?"

"River, could you just check the light on top? I think the bulb needs changing." The Doctor said.

"The bulb?" River 3 asked, leaving the console room.

"We have to get rid of the two other River Songs." Jared said, looking over at the Doctor. "This is getting ridiculous."

"Don't you know how to deal with them?" The Doctor asked.

"Sorry! I wasn't expecting to deal with her. After the Inforarium."

"Who are you two talking to?!" River 2 exclaimed, entering the console room.

"You, we're talking to you. Back to Stormcage, Dr. Song." The Doctor said, while he sonics River's Vortex Manipulator.

"Oh…at least give me a lift. You know what this thing does to my hair!"

"It's always like that." The Doctor said, when River 2 disappears.

"One down. One to go." Jared said, smiling.

"Yeah."

"The light's fine, Doctor, I don't know what you're talking about…" River 3 said, entering the console room.

A second Doctor and second Jared rushes in.

"No, River! That's the wrong TARDIS!" Jared 2 said.

"We're parked around back…" Doctor 2 said, seeing himself and another Jared. "Younger versions of me and Jared."

"Doctor, there's two of you! And two of Jared! The mind races, does it not?" River 3 asked.

"Come on, let's go, we'll be late." Jared 2 said, frowning.

"They're taking me and the KMR triangle to the Singing Towers of Darillium! They've been promising for ages!" River 3 said, leaving the console room.

"The first time we met her at the Library, when she…" Jared said.

"...died, yeah." Jared 2 said, looking at his younger self.

"She said the last time she saw us, the four of us was at Darillium…is that now?" The Doctor asked.

"…spoilers. Good luck tonight." Doctor 2 said.

"You too." The Doctor said.

"Yeah…" Doctor 2 said, looking at Jared's future self.

"Good luck with Christmas." Jared 2 said.

"Well, good luck. With whatever will happen in Atlas." Jared said, smirking. "I bet it's gonna be a blast. Or will be hell."

"Yeah…" Jared 2, leaving the console room with the older version of the Doctor.

"Oh! Doctor, there's two of you and two of Jared! The mind races!" River said, entering the console room.

"Come on, River, let's go and see the stars!" Jared said, excitedly.

"But I haven't changed!"

"And you never will River, never ever."

"What were the other versions of the both of you doing here?" River asked.

"Sorry, can't say." The Doctor said.

"What's that word you two use?" River asked.

"Spoilers."

"I like that word."

"I thought you might."

"This is a bootstrap paradox. I learned that word from the both of you back home." Jared said, laughing a little. "That being the word spoilers. River, you will say the word in front of the Doctor constantly in the past. And he taught you the word here and now."

"Yeah. Right. Bootstrap paradox." The Doctor said.

"Oh, Doctor, Jared, the two of you and your secrets, both of you will be the death of me." River said.