Pay It Forward

Bai Yutang didn't know for how long he cried. Jian Ge just pat his head in silence, and sometimes repeat his words again gently.

"Everything is going to be okay, trust me..."

He just cried in silence. Letting all the grieves which stayed and gnawed his heart for the past two months to go, flowing out with his tears.

Before, it sneaked up quietly and took Bai Yutang under its arms slowly. Change him into someone he doesn't know. Bai Yutang felt like the old him vanished in thin air, gone with his father. He thought he would never feel safe again, never to feel secure again.

Bai Yutang didn't want to ask for help, because he didn't know how. Bai Yutang is also afraid of rejection. Even if someone helps him now, he also doesn't know how to pay it back. His father always taught him to protect, to give hands, and never owe anything to anyone. Paid back for all the kindness he received.

His father didn't teach him how to ask for help.

That's why he thought, he had to face all of this alone. If he always asks for someone else's hand, he would never be strong. When that someone leaves him, he will lose again. 

Like when his father left him.

But with one gentle word, all the walls he tried to build in the past two months crumbled down. Bare his naked heart to this person in front of him, who looks at him with those tender eyes.

Bai Yutang just nodded his head, again and again. When Jian Kang Lu opened the car door, he told him to wait in the car. Jian Kang Lu took all Bai Yutang's things from the luggage, and opened the passenger door. He held Bai Yutang's hand and took him to his apartment.

Bai Yutang just followed him in silence. Jian Kang Lu took him to sit in the living room, while he put Bai Yutang's things in the guest room. He made hot chamomile tea, mixed some honey inside. He gave a cup of that hot tea to Bai Yutang.

"Drink this first, i'll order some food. Let's have breakfast here, shall we? I'm hungry."

Bai Yutang received the tea, and sipped it slowly. He nodded his head again. Some time later, when he already dried up all his tears, his voice hoarse when he said, "Thank you, Jian Ge.."

Jian Kang Lu answered that with patting his head.

After finishing his tea, Bai Yutang stared blankly to the table in front of him. Now when he let out all his grieves, what's left is only shame. But what else could be done. He already shows his childish behaviour, crying like a baby. It's too late to feel ashamed.

So he excused himself, and washed his face with cold water in the bathroom. Then he unpack his things. The room still looks the same as when he stays here last year. Nothing changes here inside Jian Kang Lu's space.

When he almost finished unpacking his things, Jian Kang Lu called him to come out. The food has arrived. Bai Yutang already eats some buns. But of course he's still hungry. This past two months, he never felt his stomach full even just for one day. Until this morning.

After breakfast, Bai Yutang insists to wash the dishes. He said since he'll live here for free, then at least he needs to do the house chores.

Those sentences lead to Jian Kang Lu telling him they need to talk about living arrangements while he lives here. But Jian Kang Lu magnanimously let him wash the dishes first.

After Bai Yutang is done, they sit together in the dining room, illuminated with the red gold autumn sun from the glass door outside. It's been so long since Bai Yutang tasted the sun warmth like this. The warmth that brushes his skin, seeping into his bone, and sweltering his soul.

Jian Kang Lu holds his tablet and starts talking. "Lets each submit the rules we'll follow together. If you don't agree with mine, please tell me your reason. I'll also do the same. Now i'll start first."

Jian Kang Lu spoke his first rules while typing on his tablet, "Rule number one, Bai Yutang will stay here and doesn't need to pay. But he needs to report to me where he wants to go, and will never hide again."

Bai Yutang nodded his head. Jian Kang Lu looked at him with straight eyes. "You could think about it first, and refute it if you don't agree. Once these rules are made, they need to be signed by both of us. You don't have a chance to change it later. Remember, i hate it the most when someone can't comply with their own words."

Bai Yutang nodded. "I didn't need to go anywhere… This past two months I didn't go out. Maybe later I just need to go to university. And I can tell you first if i want to go. If i stay here, of course i'll follow your rules."

Jian Kang Lu is still looking at Bai Yutang with straight looks. Inside, he was thinking 'does this child didn't realise that i just shamelessly want to bind him here together with me?' Jian Kang Lu sighed. One part of him regrets his own selfishness, but nine parts are delighted with Bai Yutang's answer.

Jian Kang Lu told Bai Yutang, "Now it's your turn."

Bai Yutang answered immediately, "I'll do all the house chores."

Jian Kang Lu pondering for a while. "I'll refute that, I hired a cleaning company to clean this apartment twice a week. Why do I need to pay them if you clean the house? And the old lady from that cleaning company who often came here to clean the house needed the money, and I usually gave her tips. So if you clean the house, she won't have extra income."

Bai Yutang speechless. Why he felt that he can't win this argument. But he still stubbornly said, "Then i'll wash the dishes, and the laundry too!"

Jian Kang Lu said "I'll grant your wishes if you really want to do that. You could wash the dishes. About laundry, I always sent all my dirty clothes to the laundry downstairs. There's a good and cheap laundry place in this apartment complex. And my delicate clothes have different laundry places. But you can do your own laundry if you don't want to put it downstairs like me."

Now Bai Yutang really feels at loss. But at least he could wash the dishes. "Okay then, rules number two. Bai Yutang will wash all the dishes, and do his own laundry, and help to put Jian Ge's laundry downstairs or to the other laundry place."

Jian Kang Lu raised one of his eyebrows while staring at Bai Yutang. But he silently typed that rule. He could compromise with this if his kitten really wanted to do that.

"Now it's my turn. Rule number three, I'll give Bai Yutang monthly allowances to handle all the food matters in this apartment. It means i could order the food, or you could order, but you're the one who has to pay and it can't exceed the allowances i gave you each month."

Bai Yutang tried to think is there something wrong with that sentences? He knows he can't outsmart Jian Kang Lu. But he definitely feels something, this will only bring benefit to him. He just can't pinpoint what is wrong with this rules. So he just ask, "How much is this monthly allowance?"

Jian Kang Lu answered with a smile, "5000 yuan each month."

Now Bai Yutang is really in doubt. That money seems a lot right now for him, but that was for two people. And Bai Yutang knows that Jian Kang Lu likes to order expensive food. He really tries to think and calculate, but he can't find any reason to refute that. Finally he could only nod.

Jian Kang Lu happily typing, "Now it's your turn."

Bai Yutang answered, "Rules number four, I'll use those allowances to cook also."

Jian Kang Lu now blissfully suggested, "That could merge into rules number three. Make another rule."

Bai Yutang thought for a moment, but he could not find other things he could offer to Jian Kang Lu. What else could he do to help him? Jian Kang Lu has everything. "I don't know what else i could offer to you, Jian Ge.. Maybe you could just make the rules and I'll comply."

Jian Kang Lu really thinks that he's a genius. With these rules, he could tie his kitten by his side, at least until his kitten back into his dorm. "Okay, rule number four, Bai Yutang will accompany me to watching movies, shopping, or any occasion that i need to attend but i don't want to attend it alone. That includes fetching me and taking me back home if I drank too much."

Bai Yutang really didn't think that the rules would bring him any loss. So he just agreed.

Jian Kang Lu spoke again, "You could bring your friends here, you could also meet them outside. You need to call them and tell them that you'll register next semester. They worried about you."

Now Bai Yutang's mind is at loss. He didn't know how to talk to his friends. But he also knew that Jian Kang Lu was right. He owes them an explanation. Bai Yutang only could answer in a low voice, "Okay Jian Ge, i will."

Jian Kang Lu put his tablet down. He looked at his kitten who hung his head down. "Now, let me ask you something and I need you to answer me honestly. Let me tell you, TangTang. Humans can't live alone. We need to know when to ask for guidance and help from others. The final decision is in your hand, but you need to hear all the possible solutions for your problem before you decide on something."

Bai Yutang was stunned. Now he feels silly. He thought he was already mature enough, but Jian Ge is right. He hasn't asked for other people's opinions. Why does he think that his own decision is the best?

Jian Kang Lu spoke again, "How much money is left by your father? Why can't you enrol this semester?"

Bai Yutang answered slowly, "It's 115,000 yuan, Jian Ge. My father paid 500,000 yuan to settle our house and my grandparents' house this year. He also paid for my sister's tuition before. After paying the hospital bill and funeral, only 115,000 yuan left. That's why I can't enrol, my tuition is almost 40,000 yuan per year."

Jian Kang Lu doing a quick calculation in his brain. "So your father has two assets, your house and your grandparents house. Let's assume your grandparent's house can't be touched. That's okay. You actually have several ways out. Rent your house and let your mother stay with your grandparents. Or asking for a loan from the bank with your house as collateral. That way you could stall the expenses until you graduate."

Bai Yutang already thought about the first option. He just doesn't have the heart to tell his mother. But he never thought about the second option.

Jian Kang Lu continued, "Or the third option, you could ask for some loan from me. You could pay it back slowly by working for me until later on you finally graduate and find a job for yourself."

Now Bai Yutang is stunned. He answered hurriedly, "How could i ask that from you, Jian Ge. If I can't pay you back? How if I run away without paying you back? I don't want to leech on you. How could I pay for all your kindness when I know I can't do anything for you?"

Jian Kang Lu answered calmly, "First of all, i know that won't happen. Second, you could use that house of yours as collateral even though I don't want to. Third, let me teach you something."

Jian Kang Lu sipped his tea, and continued, "When we help someone, never assume that the person will pay you back. That way, it will hurt you. There's no use counting your own kindness. It was called insincere."

Jian Kang Lu looked at his kitten who widened his eyes, and looked at him with a confused face. "I know you thought that every good deed you received, you need to pay it back. You don't want to owe something from anyone. But TangTang. Once I read a book that changed my own thinking. This book is titled Pay It Forward by Catherine Ryan Hyde."

His kitten still listening, Jian Kang Lu continued, "The book tells a story about a boy doing a school task. His teacher asks them to do something that will make a world into a better place. His friends do some charity or small things that a child could. But this boy created a project called Pay It Forward."

"The purpose is to help a person. The recipient of a favour does not pay it to him, but does favour for three others. However, it needs to be a favour that the receiver can't complete themselves. And so on. The moral story in this story is so many. But what makes it change my life forever is, you don't need to pay a kindness you receive to the person who gave you some help. Instead, you could pay it to another person who needs your help."

Jian Kang Lu saw his kitten's face brightened and listened attentively. He continued talking, "I'll lend you the book, so you can read it for yourself. But the point is, It's impossible to count all the kindness you receive, and never assume that you could pay it back. You could pay the favour you received by doing a favour to someone else."

"For example, you receive guidance and knowledge from your teacher. You could pay it by studying diligently and using that knowledge to make this world into a better one. It doesn't need to be a big one, but by making people around you happy is enough."

Jian Kang Lu gently smiled at his kitten, "And I've told you many times, but maybe you don't believe me. So i'll say it again. You might think that when you receive my call or accompany me watching movies is a small act, but that's the thing that makes me happy. Because you're sincere, thus i'm happy. It will be different if you accompany me with a heavy heart because you have to instead of happily accompany me."

Bai Yutang really felt foolish for his own decision before. He didn't consider other people's feelings, and only thought about his own grievances. Now he realised that he was selfish. Especially when he remembers Jian Kang Lu at that Korean restaurant, who looks so lonely.

"Jian Ge, I'm sorry. I sincerely apologise for all my foolish actions before. I will also apologise to my friends later on." Bai Yutang looks straight into Jian Kang Lu's eyes.

Jian Kang Lu could see that his kitten's eyes are clear, and there's something changing in those eyes. He nodded, then continued his speech "I know you don't want to make your mother worried, that's why I propose the third option to you. That way, your mother doesn't need to know. You don't need to decide now. Like I said, you need to decide by yourself after listening to many opinions from other people. Remember, what's right for one person didn't mean it's right for the others."

Bai Yutang knew that, so he said "I will, Jian Ge. I'll tell you my decision later on. Thank you, Jian Ge. I really appreciate all your advice." Bai Yutang feels all the gloomy clouds and shadows in his world start to disperse, and let the autumn sun brightly illuminate his world.

He was never alone. And he doesn't need to be alone.