Eleven

We have reached the part in my tale of life where my heart gets broken for the first time, and my downward spiral begins.

At least, that's what it feels like right now.

After going to the mall a week ago, Sammy decided enough was enough. She would tell him how she felt.

February 8th, 2014. The day my life is going to change, the day everything gets turned on its head. And the worst part of it all? I have to wait. I have to sit and anticipate whatever happens between Austin and Sammy, all while knowing nothing about the timing. So, I woke up early this morning in stress after her telling me the plan last night, and simply have to wait until she decides to meet up with him.

I walk into the kitchen and am greeted swiftly by my fluffy dog. He seems happy as ever, not having a single care in the world. Sometimes, I wish my life were easy like that. Wake up, get fed the same food as every other day, take naps, eat food again, and sleep again. Wash, rinse, repeat. No responsibilities. No worries.

But here we are, in the real world. And it sucks here.

"Good morning, sweetheart. What are you doing up so early?" my mom asks as she washes her dishes from breakfast. Me, a heavy sleeper, waking up before noon? A miracle.

I shrug, grabbing the cereal from our cupboard. "Sun was bright." She purses her lips.

"Well, it's a nice treat. Any plans for today?" she asks.

I shake my head.

"Going to see Austin at all this weekend?"

My heart beats fast, not wanting her to ask me any questions at all. Trying not to be snappish, I say, "Not sure."

She gets the memo and leaves me in my wallowing silence.

I bring my bowl of cereal into my room and shut the door behind me. I eat in silence, just staring at my wall. My body wanted to shut down and go back to bed, but my mind and my beating heart wouldn't stop racing. Every single worry I've had about Sammy returned to my mind, and it felt as though I was going to explode.

The morning went slow, so slow. Any attempts I made to distract myself were futile, and as the minutes passed, my thoughts got more intense and loud.

I just wanted the noise to stop.

At 1pm, I get a text from Austin.

"Hey, are you free?"

My heart jumps out my chest. I type out the words quickly and sloppily, but eventually correct the spelling.

"Yeah, you want to hang out?"

"Yes, can you come over?" he asks. I gulp and agree. I quickly get dressed and freshen up a little bit. As eager as I was to get there and ask him about what happened, another part of me wanted time to stop.

I take a deep breath when I knock at his door. He quickly lets me in and leads me upstairs to his room. I sit on his bed while he stands up, looking a little standoffish. He closes the door behind him.

"What's up? Something you want to talk about?" I ask, playing dumb. His eyes avoid contact with mine, staying mostly to the floor.

"Yeah. Um, Sammy just came over and told me she likes me," he says, sounding glum.

"Wait, really?" I ask, trying to seem surprised. He nods.

"Yeah. She even brought a present," he sighs, pointing at the Magikarp Sammy purchased the other day, sitting on his desk.

"Wow, she must really have a thing for you," I say, tense.

"Yeah. And that's why... I kind of feel like an ass," he says, disappointed in himself.

"What do you mean?" I ask, waiting eagerly for the confirmation.

"I... told her I couldn't date her. I've never seen her in that light, and I didn't want to lead her on when the feelings weren't mutual," he admits. My heart sinks a little, thinking back to when I did lead her on and mess with her feelings.

"How'd she take it?"

He frowns. "Not well. I feel pretty terrible."

I frown too. "I understand how she feels. I hope things get better." He nods. Then, he sits at his desk chair, still looking a little downtrodden.

"Thank you for coming, by the way. I really hate this situation, and I appreciate the support."

"Of course, man," I say, implying that I'd be there for him no matter what. He looks into my eyes.

He takes a deep breath. "I wanted to talk about something else, too." My heart stops and I momentarily stop breathing.

"Oh yeah?" I ask, trying not to sound nervous.

"Yeah. Part of the reason I feel so bad, aside from totally rejecting a really great girl, is because of how brave she was for doing that. When, at the same time, I haven't even tried to be brave," he says, looking down at the floor.

"What do you mean? You're plenty brave, Austin," I reassure him. He shakes his head.

"No, I'm not. For years—so many that it's felt like forever—I've had that same feeling Sammy had about me. Except it's even stronger, more intense. I feel deep love for someone, and yet I haven't even attempted to tell them. I'm angry with myself for not even trying, and leading Sammy on as a result," he says, getting a bit worked up. I've never seen him get so intense.

"Well, it's hard to tell someone you feel that way about them. You're not weak for waiting," I insist. He smiles, eyes thanking me for trying to defend him. But then he ends up shaking his head.

"I need to be more forward with everyone. Brave. I came here to do something, and I'm not going back on my word, for the sake of being better. So..." he pauses, looking nervous. I wait eagerly.

"You. You're the one I love, Dylan," he says, looking me straight in the eyes.

My eyes widen and I instantly feel my face heating up. My heart completely races, faster than it's ever gone on the track that is my body.

"You? Love me?" I ask, completely taken aback. Did he read my mind?

He hesitates, and I can tell he's really scared. I would be too.

"I really, really do. You literally mean the entire world to me, and I feel so guilty that I kept that to myself. To hide something that big, from you, of all people..." he frowns.

"Aus," I say sweetly. He looks into my eyes, somewhat surprised. "First of all, you don't have to feel guilty. People do that all the time. Second of all... I also did it. Ya know, hiding my feelings from you."

His eyes shine bright and, despite the clear tension in his body, he seems to let go of a lot of that nervous energy.

"Dylan, are you saying..?"

"I love you, too," I nod, smiling wide.

He stands up, completely shocked. I stand up as well, and walk close to him. Our eyes lock, and as I get closer, Austin's face gets redder and redder. But at the same time, I could tell he was elated.

I move my hand up to the side of his head, and very slowly inch my way closer to him. He bends down and does the same.

We kiss.

Austin and I kiss.

I've never idolized kissing, and honestly found it kind of weird when I saw couples kissing in the hallways at school. But kissing Austin's soft lips was life changing. We connected so perfectly together, even though neither of us had any clue what we were doing.

The amount of adrenaline and dopamine surging through me was insane. Releasing, a few seconds feeling like forever, the two of us just continue to look in each other's' eyes. When Austin gets a big grin on his face, I basically catch it from him like a cold.

"I can't believe this... happened at all," Austin says, completely shocked. I run my hand from his face down his arm, and grab onto his hand. He holds on tight.

"Same here," I say, for lack of a better word.

The two of us sit down side by side on the bed. He looks at me and asks, "So, what do you consider yourself?"

"What do you mean?" I ask him, a little confused.

"Are you gay?" he asks straight out. I look down at the ground.

"I think so. I'll be honest, I never felt attraction until I found out I liked you. Not even with Sammy. I didn't like her that way to begin with," I sigh.

He gives me a soft smile. "Is that why you were so upset and confused?" Right on the nose. I nod.

I look back into his eyes. "I really wanted to fit in. I felt so lame, never having a crush, never mind a girlfriend. So... I just hoped jumping in headfirst with Sammy would somehow magically change things. But it didn't.

"But then my mind pointed me at you, Aus. I had dreams and daydreams, and all those things I thought I was lacking somehow showed up. Out of nowhere, I felt what it was like to be so hopelessly in love with someone else."

He pulls me in for a hug. "Thank you for telling me. I had no idea," he says, rubbing my back.

When we release I reply, "I had no idea you liked anybody either. Definitely wasn't expecting it to be me, of all people." He furrows his eyebrows playfully.

"Dylan Peters, you are such an amazing person. Of course I like you. Back in middle school, you would always buy me snacks at lunch, and made me laugh every single time I was having a bad day. You're so generous, and kind. You have a beautiful soul, and a beautiful face. I don't know if it's possible for me to fall even more in love with you, because I'm already at the bottom of the hole."

I gaze at him, completely melted. "That's the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me in my entire life." He smiles.

"I know I tend to shut down sometimes when it comes to emotions, but when I'm with you, all that goes out the window. You make me laugh, make me smile, make me swoon. I can't express in words how much you mean to me," he continues.

Tears spiking in my eyes, I kiss him again, longer than before. I wrap both my arms around him and he does the same. When we release, we continue to hold each other.

"I feel like if I let you go I'm going to wake up from a dream," I say, proceeding to rest my face on his shoulder. He rubs my back.

"That won't happen, but I won't let you go anyway," he coos.

We sit this way for several minutes. Losing track of time, Austin and I panic when we hear noise from downstairs.

"Shit, I think my dad is home," Austin sighs, releasing from our hug. I frown.

"So, I guess that means you're not out at all, huh?" He shakes his head in response.

"Only to Tristan," he tells me.

"I'd better head out. I don't want to make anyone suspicious and out you before you're ready," I say, standing up.

As I'm starting to walk away, Austin grabs mu shoulder and says, "Wait." I turn around briefly.

He gives me one last kiss. "See you soon?"

I nod, smiling brightly. "See you soon."