I Don’t Have A Choice

My eyes want to commit murder

From this screen I need to distract myself with

As the thoughts become the thing

Holding the razor in the first place.

"I should die, I don't deserve to be here."

My thoughts tell me

Like this pillow isn't the thing holding my screams,

Like the stinging on my wrist in the shower isn't me Fighting with my own skin, fighting for my worth.

Like the progress I made with people

Is something to be ignored.

I'm fighting so hard for the person in the mirror

To smile for once but all I see are glossy dull eyes

In the stranger of myself.

For a while I could blame my dad

For the child waiting to see if he'll ever come back,

But all I got back was a dad too far gone

Like the powder he snuffed up made him

Want to snuff out my childhood home into flames.

For a while I could blame my mom

For how color-blind she is

To not see me waving my pride flag internally,

But she had a shotgun full of words she shot

Ricocheting the damage of my fragile heart

When I just want to be accepted.

Now the only thing I can blame is myself

For laying on the bathroom floor,

My skin that is not a canvas, yet it's stained red.

The shame I feel for being a disappointment

Being too much or not enough for even myself.

For the mind that just wants to disappear

When I still want to be here.

I want to feel the sunshine on my face

Stay for the smiles I adore with my favorite people.

Hear them say my name and feel their words

Turn into sunflowers giving warmth to my heart

That needs a lot of encouragement.

I hit the rocky bottom,

I'll continue to feel the drift of agony

Balancing on the edge of the cliff

With the wind in my hair.

Going through it like I have a choice anyway.