Chapter 11

The crash didn't frighten me. In fact, as we bumped and rolled and was thrown around, I kept looking over, wondering if he would die. I kept thinking that if he died, I could be free. I know that the likelihood of my death was also high but I couldn't bring myself to worry over such a thing. Death and freedom seem to be one and the same to me anymore. Glass and other objects cut ad hit me but I don't feel it. I just feel the adrenaline as I watch him scream and hit his head and bleeding from various places. I've never had it in me to kill. To be the one who brings death. I've wanted to be, I've wanted to be strong enough to murder those so deserving. I simply can't, it's not in my character. I've had to face that reality with this master, I've had so many chanced to try to end him but every time I just break down and cry. I could never be that person, but watching him die...that is something I treasure. I find myself fighting my own fluttering eyes, trying to watch a little while longer before I too expire. I can't fight it for long as the adrenaline wears off and the car stops moving and I just look at him, silent and unmoving, his blood pooling below me. I know it is mixing with my dripping blood. I sit upside down, while he is tangled and broken on the roof of the car. I feel the blood pounding in my ears and the stinging pain begin to creep up my body from various injuries. I smile still and let the darkness take me.

When I open my eyes again, there is white light, moving back and forth, blinding me. This is an annoying way to die, I think to myself as the light retracts to reveal Dr. Cullen and a multitude of nurses. Behind them, along a white hallway, is Jasper looking at me from afar. I can feel rage and fear and sorrow, but these feelings are not my own. A few seconds ago I thought myself free, those feelings simply can't be mine. My eyes blink and few times and blur over again an again. "Stay with us." a nurse says beside me. I want to laugh at her...or to grimace at her. I don't know why she just seems like an unwanted piece of my picture. I was looking at Jasper, at the vampire doctor, and then she just chose to speak as if she belongs. Maybe I don't belong. We're human, we don't belong in their world. I've spent my life trying to escape it. So why do I now try to find him in my blurriness, why look for that strange vampire? I shouldn't want to know him, shouldn't be intrigued by him. In the end, these thoughts are too much and I fall back into unconsciousness, know that this time I'm not nearing death- I'm just taking a nap.